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Self-Sabotage: How to Stop Holding Yourself Hostage

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It was easy to put the blame on “2020” but now we are here in a New Year…so how long are we going to use that line? While the turbulence of last year certainly shook things up, it’s not a license for us to no longer hold ourselves accountable. At the end of the day, choices and perspective can make a huge impact on the trajectory of our lives. So…is it time for you to assess whether or not your decisions are the ones actually holding you back? 

The first step begins with an honest look at behavior. After all, if you can identify self-sabotaging behaviors that are fighting to take up permanent residence in your life – you can also kick them to the curb. The key here is recognizing what is happening and taking action to change the pattern – which will lead you on a different path – and not keep you stuck in an endless cycle of delivering exactly what you don’t want.

The Self-Sabotage game is a vicious vortex that keeps pulling you away from the success you desire, moreover that you deserve, despite your dreams and goals because it’s habitual and in habits we find comfort. Why do we do this to ourselves?  Chalk it up to our subconscious desire for drama or the fact that change comes with a degree of discomfort which pushes us to retreat right back to the vortex. 

“Self- sabotage is the smartest thing you can do if you’re sabotaging a self that is not really you.” – Armand DiMele

We stay in the familiar – even if it isn’t what is best for us – to avoid the pain of change – which is almost always what we need to get to the next level. The wrong hard wiring can – without a doubt – steal your future. So the sooner you can understand what self-sabotage is, how to spot the behavior, and how to address it head on – the sooner you’ll step into living the life you desire.

Here are 8 ways in which you may be self-sabotaging yourself and your goals: 

  1. Do you make social media comparisons to your love life, business life, home life, and compare your real life to the highly unrealistic, overly photoshopped, and aggressively managed messaging on social media posts?
  2. Are you a perfectionist who often feels everything isn’t “perfect enough” to move forward towards your goals? 
  3. Are you triggered by past traumatic experiences in your childhood, that you subconsciously allow, which control your actions in your present adult life?
  4. Are you so busy managing day to day life and feel like you need an abundance of time to work towards your goals but don’t have it so you quit them completely?
  5. Do deadlines put you in a tailspin so much so that you wait until the very last minute to get started? 
  6. Do you allow one bad moment in the execution of your goals to change your total outlook on your plans and micro-goals for the day…ultimately causing the whole house of cards to crumble? 
  7. Do you take any constructive criticism as a failure, and “a sign” to stop trying to achieve your goal?
  8. Are you a master of the blame game? Do you blame everyone else for things you should actually be accountable for?

If this sounds like you – any part of it – this is your wake-up call. It’s time to take control back from your alter ego who has been calling the shots. Sustainable change begins with recognizing behavior – and is then followed with intentional choices that allow you to remain on a positive and productive path.

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” – Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

If you are ready to create real change – here are three simple steps you can take to put an end to self-sabotage and leave it in the “2020” file – for good.

First, don’t run every choice you make or step you take by others. Learn to trust your gut. Don’t look for validation from others – they aren’t you and they don’t have the perfect playbook on how to get you where you want to go in your journey. You do. Trust that. Second, eliminate the dream killers and naysayers from your life. They will find a problem for any solution you have. Add in mentors that you look up to, positive friends that support your goals – and clap LOUDLY when you achieve them. 

Your circle is largely your success factor. Lastly, focus on progress, not perfection. You are striving for growth and as long as you continue to move forward, you will continue to grow. If you try to hold yourself to unrealistic ideals of perfection you will continually feel as though you have failed on one level or another. Take risks, make discerning choices and be excellent in how you execute them as the execution – not the perfection – is what will help you rise higher. 

Janene Verabian, CHt, CLC, CWK is Southern California’s Premier Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Relationship Expert. Specializing in past trauma healing through Clinical Hypnotherapy and Relationship coaching, Janene has earned a reputation for results through over twenty years of personalized guidance for men and women. Consistently strengthening her professional “toolbox” she regularly pursues advanced education and holds additional certifications as a Wholistic Kinesiology Practitioner, Certified Life Coach, and Gottman Institute Certified Level Two Couples Therapist. Janene can often be heard saying, “I don’t talk from the cheap seats.” She focuses on creating a safe space for her clients to speak openly without judgment while she listens – to extract the root issues and identify the core elements that the client is seeking to remedy. Her goal is to see each person make progress in an intentional way – creating sustainable change for the future they desire. Connect on LinkedIn or JaneneVerabian.com.

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Life

9 Harsh Truths Every Young Man Must Face to Succeed in the Modern World

Before chasing success, every young man needs to face these 9 brutal realities shaping masculinity in the modern world.

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harsh truths for young men
Image Credit: Midjourney

Many young men today quietly battle depression, loneliness, and a sense of confusion about who they’re meant to be.

Some blame the lack of deep friendships or romantic relationships. Others feel lost in a digital world that often labels traditional masculinity as “toxic.”

But the truth is this: becoming a man in the modern age takes more than just surviving. It takes resilience, direction, and a willingness to grow even when no one’s watching.

Success doesn’t arrive by accident or luck. It’s built on discipline, sacrifice, and consistency.

Here are 9 harsh truths every young man should know if he wants to thrive, not just survive, in the digital age.

1. Never Use Your Illness as an Excuse

As Dr. Jordan B. Peterson often says, successful people don’t complain; they act.

Your illness, hardship, or struggle shouldn’t define your limits; it should define your motivation. Rest when you must, but always get back up and keep building your dreams. Motivation doesn’t appear magically. It comes after you take action.

Here are five key lessons I’ve learned from Dr. Peterson:

  • Learn to write clearly; clarity of thought makes you dangerous.

  • Read quality literature in your free time.

  • Nurture a strong relationship with your family.

  • Share your ideas publicly; your voice matters.

  • Become a “monster”, powerful, but disciplined enough to control it.

The best leaders and thinkers are grounded. They welcome criticism, adapt quickly, and keep moving forward no matter what.

2. You Can’t Please Everyone And That’s Okay

You don’t need a crowd of people to feel fulfilled. You need a few friends who genuinely accept you for who you are.

If your circle doesn’t bring out your best, it’s okay to walk away. Solitude can be a powerful teacher. It gives you space to understand what you truly want from life. Remember, successful men aren’t people-pleasers; they’re purpose-driven.

3. You Can Control the Process, Not the Outcome

Especially in creative work, writing, business, or content creation, you control effort, not results.

You might publish two articles a day, but you can’t dictate which one will go viral. Focus on mastery, not metrics. Many great writers toiled for years in obscurity before anyone noticed them. Rejection, criticism, and indifference are all part of the path.

The best creators focus on storytelling, not applause.

4. Rejection Is Never Personal

Rejection doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. It simply means your offer, idea, or timing didn’t align.

Every successful person has faced rejection repeatedly. What separates them is persistence and perspective. They see rejection as feedback, not failure. The faster you learn that truth, the faster you’ll grow.

5. Women Value Comfort and Security

Understanding women requires maturity and empathy.

Through books, lectures, and personal growth, I’ve learned that most women desire a man who is grounded, intelligent, confident, emotionally stable, and consistent. Some want humor, others intellect, but nearly all want to feel safe and supported.

Instead of chasing attention, work on self-improvement. Build competence and confidence, and the rest will follow naturally.

6. There’s No Such Thing as Failure, Only Lessons

A powerful lesson from Neuro-Linguistic Programming: failure only exists when you stop trying.

Every mistake brings data. Every setback builds wisdom. The most successful men aren’t fearless. They’ve simply learned to act despite fear.

Be proud of your scars. They’re proof you were brave enough to try.

7. Public Speaking Is an Art Form

Public speaking is one of the most valuable and underrated skills a man can master.

It’s not about perfection; it’s about connection. The best speakers tell stories, inspire confidence, and make people feel seen. They research deeply, speak honestly, and practice relentlessly.

If you can speak well, you can lead, sell, teach, and inspire. Start small, practice at work, in class, or even in front of a mirror, and watch your confidence skyrocket.

8. Teaching Is Leadership in Disguise

Great teachers are not just knowledgeable. They’re brave, compassionate, and disciplined.

Teaching forces you to articulate what you know, and in doing so, you master it at a deeper level. Whether you’re mentoring a peer, leading a team, or sharing insights online, teaching refines your purpose.

Lifelong learners become lifelong leaders.

9. Study Human Nature to Achieve Your Dreams

One of the toughest lessons to accept: most people are self-interested.

That’s not cynicism, it’s human nature. Understanding this helps you navigate relationships, business, and communication more effectively.

Everyone has a darker side, but successful people learn to channel theirs productively into discipline, creativity, and drive.

Psychology isn’t just theory; it’s a toolkit. Learn how people think, act, and decide, and you’ll know how to lead them, influence them, and even understand yourself better.

Final Thoughts

The digital age offers endless opportunities, but only to those who are willing to take responsibility, confront discomfort, and keep improving.

Becoming a man today means embracing the hard truths most avoid.

Because at the end of the day, success isn’t about luck. It’s about who you become when life tests you the most.

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Change Your Mindset

The Four Types of Happiness: Which One Are You Living In?

Most people chase success only to find emptiness, this model reveals why true happiness lies somewhere else.

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In a world driven by rapid technological growth and constant competition, many people unknowingly trade joy for achievement. (more…)

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Change Your Mindset

The Secret Daily Routines Behind History’s Most Brilliant Thinkers

Uncover the daily rituals and hidden habits that powered history’s most brilliant minds to success.

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Why Daily Rituals Matter

Every great achiever has one thing in common: discipline. Behind the novels, inventions, discoveries, and masterpieces are small, consistent habits repeated daily. (more…)

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Finances

From Debt to Financial Independence: A Practical Roadmap Anyone Can Follow

It’s about having control over your money and not letting money control you.

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The 21st century has brought incredible opportunities but also new challenges. Rapid technological change, global uncertainty, and shifting lifestyles have made many people think more deeply about financial freedom. (more…)

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