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How to Take Control of Your Internal Dialogue So You Can Live a Life of Purpose



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On a downtown bus, just as it is pulling in to its next stop, a woman stands up, slaps the face of the man next to her, and hurries to the exit. Each passenger who saw what happened reacts in their own way. 

  • A middle-aged man feels sad for the man who was slapped. 
  • A younger woman is frightened. 
  • A teenage boy is angry. 
  • Another woman feels excited. 

How could the same event trigger such an array of varying emotions? The answer is found in self-talk.

Self-talk is the internal dialogue that goes on inside you throughout each day. I imagine you’ve caught yourself having these inner-conversations from time-to-time. Sometimes they are positive, as you dream of a new future.

Oftentimes they are not so positive. Maybe you’ve had one of these negative conversations already today: deciding it would be a bad day before you even left the house; fearing you would fail like you did last time; worried people might not like that new idea you plan to share in this morning’s meeting…

Self-talk like this has a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. In fact, it may surprise you to hear that it’s the single most important determinant of whether you feel loved, respected or appreciated.

Why The Words You Say to Yourself Matter

Consider the facts for a second…

  • Approximately 70 percent of your waking day is spent in one or more types of communication
  • Research suggests that you talk privately to yourself at the rate of 400-4,000 words per minute
  • This internal conversation is never turned off
  • It runs even while you sleep, monitoring your thoughts and feelings of significance
  • AND also influencing your hopes and dreams!

Your Self-Talk forms who you are. The problem is, most of the time you have little conscious awareness of this. So you can become as successful as you want, earn more money and buy more things, even become that version of yourself that you dream about… but so long as your self-talk is at the wheel, you face an uphill battle.

The good news is, scientifically speaking, you can bug your own inner conversations. You can listen in to your internal dialogue as it happens. Most important, you can use it to uncover your profound significance. 

Self-Talk not only originates in the mind; it could be argued that the human mind is self-talk. Remember that story from earlier; the one where the woman slapped the man on the bus? 

Each passenger reacted in a different way. The reason is because of their Self-Talk.

  • The middle-aged man who reacted with sadness thought to himself, ‘He’s lost her, and he’ll never get her back’.
  • The fearful woman thought, ‘She is really going to pay a price for that tonight when he sees her at home’.
  • The angry teenager says to himself, ‘She humiliated him; she must be a real jerk’.
  • The woman who felt excited said to herself, ‘Serves him right. What a strong woman; I wish I was more like that’.

These thoughts instantaneously took place where each person interpreted, judged, and labeled what had happened. Their individual self-talk impacted their emotions, feelings and reactions. As a result, this directs their beliefs! To a large degree, you prescribe to what you say to yourself when nobody else is listening.

“Consistent positive self-talk is unquestionably one of the greatest gifts to one’s subconscious mind.” – Edmond Mbiaka

How to Control Your Internal Dialogue in 5 Steps

Because your self-talk originates in your mind, it’s possible to consciously listen into what’s being said, interpret the meaning differently and take control of what you do next. 

I’ve dedicated much of my latest book ‘Healthy Me, Healthy Us’ to this process. It’s amazing the impact self-talk has on your relationship with yourself, your relationships with those you love, your beliefs on the past, and your dreams for the future. By taking control of this subconscious process you can dramatically change your life.

Step 1: Self-Talk Isn’t Always Bad.

What you say and think to yourself becomes what you feel. Negative self-talk will have a negative impact on your feelings. Whereas positive self-talk increases your belief and faith in yourself.

It isn’t that self-talk is bad in itself. Your inner conversations have a powerful impact on your emotional well-being.Becoming aware of what you’re saying can help you understand why you react the way you do. It can help you figure out who you are, control your moods, repeat your successes, and short-circuit your shortcomings. The key, of course, is to uncover exactly what you’re saying when you talk to yourself.

Step 2: Never Give Up.

Self-Talk played a huge role in helping Great Britain triumph during World War II. Although his life was racked by emotional neglect, parental hypocrisy, and excessive expectations, Winston Churchill kept saying the right things to himself.

He kept believing in himself as a human being. He demonstrated this during a commencement speech he made at Harrow School in 1941. Approaching the podium with his trademark cigar, cane, and top hat, he gave a speech that consisted of only six words…“Never give up,” he shouted after a few seconds of silence. More silence followed before he rose to his toes and shouted once more, “Never give up!”

“I can. I will. End of story.”

Step 3: Seek Rational, Logical Self-Talk.

The best kind of self-talk is rational.

It says, ‘I choose my responses; they don’t choose me’. 

It says, ‘No thought can dwell in my mind without my permission’. 

It says, ‘My value does not equal my performance’.

We all have those irrational and illogical thoughts that come to mind. We must look past these and search for the rational kind. These are the only ones that allow us to regain control.

Step 4: Find Inner Inspiration.

If you look for inspiration from outside of yourself…Social media, Books, Mentors, Famous people…Inspiration like this never lasts. Long-lasting and life-transforming inspiration has to arise from a deeper place. It needs to come from within you: a purpose, a belief, a vision or a dream… faith!

Step 5: Open Your Heart To God.

As the French philosopher Blaise Pascal once said: “There is an “infinite abyss” in the heart of each of us that can be filled only by God. And until we fill that abyss with God’s love—until we feel it deep in our beings—our sense of worth and significance becomes illusive.”

Faith plays a huge role when taking control of your Self-Talk. Whether you believe in God or simply something “bigger” than yourself…It’s important that you open your heart to it so you can finally let go of ego, self-doubt, insecurities, judgment from others and outdated beliefs.

Unless you take control, your self-talk will likely control you. It is possible to destroy the toxic self-talk that holds you back. I’ve seen countless people overcome it. At times, it seems impossible. Yet time-and-time again I’ve witnessed people revolutionize their lives, relationships and more. This process begins with realizing that not all self-talk is bad. Some of it is good, and you are made up of both.

How do you control your inner dialogue & conversations you have with yourself? Share your ideas with us below!

#1 New York Times bestselling author Dr. Les Parrott, is a psychologist and author of best-selling books include Love Talk, The Good Fight, Crazy Good Sex, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. His work has been featured in the New York Times and USA Today and on CNN, Good Morning America, the Today Show, The View, and Oprah.

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma



Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.


Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:


1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.


2. Persistent Pain

Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.

4. A strong need for control

It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
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