On a drive down the Great Ocean Road in Australia, my girlfriend said to me “Tim, I notice that you create unpleasant names for drivers that do silly things on the road or don’t drive how you would like them to.”
This realization was something that I never knew I did. Over the next few days, I began analyzing what I said to drivers while driving by myself. I realized that the language I used was harsh and unfair. It turns out, the self-talk in my head was negative and harsh most of the time.
I’d figured out that actually, my self-talk is driving me crazy.
“If you could hear out loud what most people say in their head it would sound like a crazy person’s thoughts”
For pretty much everyone, the self-talk in our head is driving us crazy. The self-talk in our heads is responsible for so many of our failures and why we think the way we do. Until we change what we say to ourselves in our head, we’ll continue to trip over these internal conversations.
Here’s how to change the self-talk in your head:
Become aware of the conversation.
What triggered a change in my own self-talk was this encounter with my girlfriend realizing that I was being unfair and rude to drivers. Even with all of the self-improvement I do, the books I read and my obsession with psychology, I still missed what I was saying to myself.
Until you become aware of just how crazy your self-talk is, you won’t be able to change it. What I found difficult was that when I heard my own self-talk for what it was, I was very disappointed. The language I used and the negativity I expressed in my head towards others was completely out of alignment with everything I did in the real world.
I was saying things that I would never dare say in real life. Once you become aware of the conversation you are having in your head, what I found useful is to be compassionate with yourself. Don’t become angry or critical of your own thoughts.
It sucks to learn what you really say to yourself and I know it’s tough. The best part is that every aspect of your life can be changed. Your crazy self-talk is no different. Becoming aware is the first step to battling this demon in your head.
Is your self-talk negative most of the time?
Ask yourself this question. Like me, you’ll probably realize a lot of your self-talk is negative. This is your survival brain trying to protect you from the dangers of the big bad world that you face every day.
If your self-talk is mostly negative, then this will 100% affect your results in life and how you see the world. To stop your self-talk driving you crazy, you need to change the conversation in your head. This will not happen overnight.
You’ll need to slowly become aware of the conversation in your head and then begin to add more positive self-talk. Question the old self-talk in your head and expose it for the damage it’s doing to you. The best self-talk is a compassionate conversation.
Be kind to yourself and others when you judge them in your head. Think about what really could be going on in the lives of people you are being critical of in your head. When you do something in the real world and your negative self-talk talks that action down, tell yourself “I’m doing the best I can at this moment in time.”
Change the conversation from the adult talking down to the child, to the adult speaking with his or her’s greatest idol. Become a coach to yourself and make the conversation about how you try very hard and how you’re getting better every single day.
Tell yourself that where you are today is so much better than where you were say a few years ago. You’ve come so far and you still have so much more growth to go.
“By simply changing the characters in your head, I’ve found that manifesting positive self-talk will come into these inner conversations with yourself slowly”
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your hero.
The conversation can be changed in your head when you imagine that you are talking to your hero in life. You wouldn’t talk negatively or swear at your hero, now would you? I’m guessing probably not. So, if you treat the conversation in your head the same way you would a conversation with your hero, you’ll be more disciplined at what you say to yourself.
Create new inputs.
Everything that goes into your head helps to shape the conversation. If you saturate your head with bad news from the TV, negative friends and colleagues, and a poor quality social media newsfeed, your head will think these inputs are real and use bits of these inputs in the conversations you have in your head.
The language, level of negativity and point of view your mind uses when creating a conversation in your head partly comes from all of the media and inputs your brain is given. “Garbage in, garbage out” as they say.
Try filling your brain with more positivity. I’ve done this for the last five years and it’s helped to shape a new conversation in my head. The best input I have found is books. There’s something about the words on a page that ingrains a new conversation in your head and changes your self-talk.
I try to read at least two positive books a month about people that are doing the extraordinary. I try to pick up what my heroes say in their head and what their self-talk is.
“You can learn so much about your hero’s self-talk through the books that tell the story of their life”
The conversation in your head requires discipline.
I say this in almost every single blog post I write. Discipline is a fundamental pillar of any change you want to make in your life. The self-talk in your head is no different. If the self-talk in your head is driving you crazy like mine did, you have to bring a new level of discipline into the fold.
When your mind starts saying dreadful things to yourself, don’t let your mind get away with it. Hold yourself accountable and insist on stopping negative self-talk when you witness it. Allowing the negative conversations to continue will hijack everything you are trying to create in life.
Your life is directed by the conversation in your head so make it a damn good one.
Break the pattern in the moment.
When you hear negative self-talk, the quickest hack you can use is to break the pattern. Interrupt the conversation in your head. Think about what you want the conversation to be instead. Don’t let the pattern keep running.
Think of your negative self-talk like an old vinyl record from the 1980’s. Pick up that negative self-talk record of material and scratch it with a screwdriver until it doesn’t play anymore. Do whatever you can to interrupt the pattern of your negative self-talk.
How my self-talk story ends.
It doesn’t. I’m still battling my negative self-talk. I will never have the conversation in my head be perfect and that’s okay. The aim of the game is to sway the conversation and at the very least, be aware of what you’re saying.
From the moment my girlfriend pointed out my negative self-talk through my driving behavior, I’ve used one hack to change the self-talk that’s driving me crazy:
Change the conversation in your head about the people around you to, “How can I be kind to this human being?”
That one question has given me a different focus that has helped to change the conversation in my head. The self-talk I have about my own actions and performance has become one of compassion like I said earlier. It’s about how I can be kinder to myself.
Changing the focus of my self-talk has been a fantastic way to rethink my inner dialogue that has driven me crazy for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’d love to see your own self-talk be transformed as well and I believe it can be based on what I’ve witnessed in my life. Kill the negative self-talk!
If you want to increase your productivity and learn some more valuable life hacks, then join my private mailing list on timdenning.net
Why You Should Prefer Emails to Phone Calls if You Want to Be More Productive
“Email” and “productivity” rarely go together in a sentence. Emails have been declared as one of our largest time wasters. A McKinsey report stated that people spend around 2.6 hours each day responding to emails. That’s 13 hours a week, 52 hours a month and over 60 days a year! Imagine what you could’ve achieved in 60 days!
Emails also negatively affect our cognitive resources. When we think of responding to them while doing other important tasks, it takes up to 23 minutes and 15 seconds after being disrupted to return to full attention to a current task. Imagine how much our cognition and productivity gets fractured when we get distracted over and over again.
Constant emailing also drains us mentally. And at the end of a day, we realize that we’ve achieved nothing worth mentioning. With a phone call, you can sort issues and solve problems quickly, right? In theory, you’re right. But we live in a practical world where many variables come into play.
Below are three variables that make phone calls adversely affect our productivity, and why emails are a better alternative:
1. Wasting Time
Most “five-minute conversations” can quickly turn into 35-minute calls because people ramble about irrelevant aspects. This derailment, several times a day, severely limits the limited time and energy you have for important tasks.
Emails, on the other hand, force writers to streamline their thoughts and stick to the point. Emails can save you plenty of time and energy because you avoid lengthy phone calls. The constant strife to keep your own emails short and crisp also makes you a clearer thinker, which rewards you in other aspects of your life.
“It’s better to waste money, than it is to waste time. You can always get more money.” – Hal Sparks
2. Inaccurate Responses
An unexpected phone call can catch me caught off guard on a topic. I might respond emotionally or give an answer that doesn’t do justice to what I want to share. In a world dominated by panic buttons and fire-fighting, these don’t just stress me out but the caller as well.
Emails give me flexibility to prepare a coherent response and share it when I’m satisfied. If I feel a surge of emotion, I can sleep over the thought and share a better (more rational) response the next day. Many page-long email responses to emails that upset me have turned into a simple “thank you for your email” the next day.
3. Constant Back-and-Forth
Phone calls often are ineffective to solve business problems. Accounting for multiple people, their views, their timelines… One phone call can quickly turn into three.
Emails are quicker and more effective than even conference calls. They let you communicate with multiple people at the same time. You can share information, assign tasks and give status updates while being as specific as possible.
You must be wondering, “What about back-and-forth emails then? Why do we waste precious time on them?” Yes, email has earned a bad rap. But it’s not because of the medium; it’s because we handle it ineffectively.
A Better Approach to Emailing
For most people, constantly refreshing the inbox is part of the daily to-do list. It keeps them busy and gives them a kick of dopamine – the feel-good chemical.
Ironically, this quest to remain busy makes people compromise on taking action that can move them forward. Using emails prudently, rewards you with plenty of energy and mind space to focus on tasks that truly matter.
Here are three steps that benefited me without succumbing to the side effects of email:
1. Checking Them Less
I check emails just 3 times a day – at 9:30 AM, 12:00 PM, and 4:30 PM. If you don’t have the luxury to do the same, you can start by checking your emails for ten minutes at the end of each hour. Most senders expect a response in a little over an hour. So they won’t mind a slightly delayed response. This gives you 45 undisturbed minutes each hour to work on your core tasks.
2. Responding Quickly
People delay responding to emails at least 37% of the time, which turns finding emails and responding to them into additional tasks that cost time and lead to attention residue. Most emails take under two minutes to respond. When you can respond to an email, do so instead of putting it off. This won’t just put your mind at peace, it’ll also reduce the number of “did-you-see-this” follow-up emails in your inbox.
“I do love email. Wherever possible I try to communicate asynchronously. I’m really good at email.” – Elon Musk
3. The If-Then Technique
The If-Then technique helps you address multiple scenarios at once. For instance, an email that says, “Can we meet at 3:00 PM?” becomes, “Can we meet at 3:00 PM? If not, please advise three other times that work for you.”
This technique is also effective when you want to suggest ideas or provide instructions on alternative steps. For example, “Here’s Plan A. If it doesn’t work, connect with [name] and ask for [specific information]. If you don’t get what you need, inform me.”
I’ll admit. This sounds like more work in the current moment, but it drastically cuts down the number of trail mails, confused correspondences, and fire-fighting instances that occur due to miscommunication.
The If-Then formula is the single most effective technique I’ve learned from The 4-Hour Workweek. All of this doesn’t mean that you abandon phone calls, In fact, it’s better to use the phone for sensitive topics or if an email conversation gets dragged. But remain mindful to not let phone calls waste your time.
If you want to pursue a meaningful life, place a premium on your time. Do things that create time for you to pursue meaningful actions and avoid doing what pulls you away from them. In the knowledge economy, this is the key to success.
Do you prefer email or talking on the phone? Share your thoughts below!
4 Questions You Need to Answer Before You Reach the Level of Success You So Desperately Crave
It’s normal that every person in the world wants to reach success and happiness. Yet, everyone defines both of these things differently. For some, success is making a whole bunch of money while for others this can be to become a good parent. Happiness is defined differently as well. Some people need to own a jet, boat and 3 cars to be truly happy, while others are happy just to be able to wake up in the morning.
It doesn’t matter how you define success and happiness, the truth is, you want to achieve them both. But, to be able to reach success and happiness, you need to answer 4 questions for yourself.
Here are the 4 questions you need to answer before you can achieve success and happiness:
1. Where Are You?
No, not geographically. It doesn’t matter where you live. What matters is where are you in life. Where are you in your way to success and happiness. Let’s say you are lost in the woods. You know exactly where you want to go, but you don’t know where you are. Even a map doesn’t help you with that.
The same is true in life. You may have a goal, but until you truly define where you are in the moment, you can’t move toward this goal. So, step 1 on your way to success and happiness is to define where you are right now.
“Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do. Don’t wish it were easier; wish you were better.” – Jim Rohn
2. Where Do You Want to Go?
When you define where you are in life, then you can think of where you want to be.
There’s this saying: When you don´t know your final destination, you´ll end up somewhere you didn’t want to be. Until you don’t know clearly where you want to be in life and who you want to become, your life doesn’t have a true purpose.
Without purpose, there´s no motivation. Without motivation, there´s no energy. And without energy, you´re not living, you´re just existing. I am sure you know someone who looks like a walking corpse everytime you see them. Do you think this person lives a successful and happy life? Most likely not.
So, step 2 on your way to success and happiness is to clearly define your goal. What do you want to accomplish and who do you want to become?
3. Why Do You Want It?
Okay, you know the basics. You know where you are and where you want to be. But, as Rocky Balboa said, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.” And as you already know, life usually doesn’t go according to your plan. There will be hard times and to overcome those and not give up, you need to know WHY you do what you do.
You need to know WHY you want to accomplish your goals. When you answer this for yourself, you don’t struggle so much to motivate yourself. You will be motivated every minute of every day.
So, as a step 3, sit down and think of WHY you want to accomplish your goals. What’s the big purpose?
“We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.” – Tony Robbins
4. How Are You Going to Get There?
And finally, how are you going to get there? What’s your plan? You may know where you are, where you want to be and why you want to do it, but until you truly understand how you are going to get there, there won’t be much success and happiness in your life.
For example, you want to become a bodybuilder. You want to do it because you want to have big muscles and you want to look fit. But, you have no idea how to work out, how to build muscle and how to lose fat. Do you think, you´re going to be happy? No. As Tony Robbins says, “true happiness comes from progress.”
To make progress, you need to have a specific plan; how to get from point A (where you are) to point B (where you want to be). So, as a step 4, sit down and make a specific plan for how you’re going to get what you want in life.
In order to reach success and happiness, there are 4 questions you need to answer for yourself. Without answering them, you´re not going to get ahead in life, you´re just bouncing around. Success and happiness never come from just bouncing around in life.
Good news is, that these questions are really simple. It won’t take much time to answer them. Just be aware of where you are and where you want to be. Don´t forget to understand why you are pursuing your dream and finally, how are you going to get what you want.
Answer these 4 simple questions today and you won’t struggle with finding success and happiness in life anymore.
Which one of the above 4 questions resonated most with you and why? Share your thoughts and ideas below!
The Empathetic Heart: How The CHO of VaynerMedia Is Changing The Way We Work
A month after I had joined LinkedIn back in July of 2018, I sent Claude Silver a connection request and began following her content. One day she made a post saying “Ask and you shall receive, what can I do to help you today?”. I commented on that post asking for a 5 minute interview and to my surprise she agreed by asking me to send her a message (I was given a full hour). This was the first example of pure kindness I witnessed from Claude.
The first message you see on Claude’s website is: People need people. People need people that listen and then do something. That message spoke to me on an emotional level, and I believe it will speak to you too. I wanted to know how she created such an amazing culture, what being a “culture carrier” meant, and how the employees at VaynerMedia have been changed by her work there.
A culture carrier in Claude’s own words is “someone who is aligned with our values, I can’t teach someone to be kind they have to already be kind. The process of developing a culture carrier takes about 6 months. It’s about bringing people together and having strong core values of kindness and empathy.”
Gary Vaynerchuk, co-founder of VaynerMedia, is often referred to as a combination of hustle and heart. With the hiring of Claude and the work she has accomplished within the company, it speaks to the level of empathy that can be felt throughout the entire operation.
Although business can be a challenging, tough, and often cut-throat terrain, by putting employees first and providing honest feedback the company has grown to include offices in New York, Chattanooga, Los Angeles and London, and continues to dominate the market.
Below we’ll see 3 different ways the CHO of VaynerMedia is changing the way people work:
1. By being unafraid to share her own story
Claude has been an influential part of breaking the stigma surrounding vulnerability in the business arena. Not only does she openly share her own story, but she sits down with employees to better understand their vulnerabilities and how to use characteristics that previously would have been considered weaknesses as strengths.
When asked what her biggest adventure to date was she replied “Having Shalom (her daughter). I have had an amazing life, I moved, worked hard, landed an amazing job and fell in love but it didn’t come without its challenges.”
Claude is openly gay and is living proof your sexual orientation doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but your character, your track record, and if you leave people a little better off than before you met them. From Claude, business leaders, employees and entrepreneurs can learn to be more open both on social media and in person, allowing them to build more meaningful relationships and connect on a deeper level. A deeper connection can mean more leverage but it also means a more lasting impact on the world.
“Everyone has something they can share. I’m not famous. I don’t have anything that would be newsworthy, but I have stories.” – Tafta Johnson Watson
2. Committing to a strong value system
VaynerMedia has some serious values for such a large company and those values are expected to be upheld by every employee and visitor. Values like kindness, empathy, honesty, hustle and the art of not complaining.
With Claude holding the title of Chief Heart Officer, she is the guiding light for others. When recruiting, she says she “takes the time to evaluate an individual’s talents but most importantly their own heart”.
Gary Vaynerchuk is quoted as saying:”To me, there’s no debate that kindness is a strength. And it breaks my heart to know that so many people believe it’s a weakness. So many people are afraid that other people will take advantage of their kindness or make them feel “used.” But the truth is, those who take advantage of your kindness are weak on the inside. Feel bad for them, don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself“.
Both Claude and Gary teach aspiring entrepreneurs that it is okay to live with an open heart and that having the strength to commit to and live with a strong value system, will be a powerful tool during the hustle journey. It also allows you to go to bed at night actually liking the person that you are, nothing will kill a business faster than going to bed at night and hating yourself.
3. Listening with action
As mentioned above Claude’s slogan is: People need people. People need people that listen and then do something. As a woman who wears many hats, she is also an Outward Bound Instructor, taking individuals on amazing adventures in the outdoors.
Taking action on any given day can mean a number of different things but it speaks to her own character and driving force that she is able to not only guide people through the world of office politics but also through the serene and sometimes challenging wilderness.
Claude cultivates an environment of trust by first offering individuals her own trust. It is a huge and vulnerable action that leads to a relationship of love – heart – and productivity. Listening as an action is something that has the power to change an entire organization from an unproductive, toxic environment to one that promotes creativity, passion, inclusion and positivity.
“Relationships are leverage. If you give value to someone else first, you have leverage.” – Gary Vaynerchuk
To get the truest sense of how Claude was changing the way people work, I asked her co-workers to tell me what working alongside Claude has done for them. Here is one of the answers I received:
“During my time working alongside Claude, I’ve really come to appreciate her example of being a good listener. As a society, we tend to praise the power of speaking. But Claude demonstrates on a daily basis that the most important thing everybody wants is to be heard.” – Steve Babcock, Chief Creative Officer VaynerMedia.
I tried looking for images of Claude on her website and I think it speaks to how focused she is on holding space for others, because I couldn’t find a single full sized image of her to use. I googled. Writing this piece has opened me up to evaluate my own values and the way I connect with people in my daily life.
From this article, it is my own hope that entrepreneurs come to the understanding that although tenacity and true grit are really important, the whole of what Claude represents is something to strive towards. The “soft” skills you develop are humongous strengths and to truly impact an entire organization.
What’s the last random act of kindness you did for someone? Share with us below!
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