Most of us, when faced with challenges, instinctively seek certainty and answers. In turn, our ego steps in and prompts us to defend our views, double down, or perhaps disengage. 

But what if the real superpower in challenging conversations isn’t being right, it’s being curious?

Curiosity often takes a back seat to certainty and gets labeled as a soft skill, which makes it sound obvious and easy. In reality, it’s anything but.

It requires a disciplined practice that takes humility, self-awareness, and courage. It takes being willing to set aside the need to be right in favor of the desire to understand. 

I consider curiosity the lifeblood of productive dialogue. It’s what shifts us from the role of the knower, rigid, certain, closed, to the role of the learner, open, exploratory, and engaged.

When we approach a conversation as knowers, we enter with a fixed mindset: I’m right; I need to convince them. This attitude is something we’ve been programmed with from kindergarten throughout our work life. 

It creates a defensive posture that leads to resistance. However, as learners, the tone shifts. 

Instead of advocating for and defending our position, we can inquire: “Can you help me better understand your perspective?” or “What’s your thinking behind your position?” 

Sincere questions encourage openness and invite collaborative dialogue. 

A client, Miguel, learned this lesson the hard way during a heated discussion with a colleague about remote work policies. He came in armed with statistics and studies, ready to prove his point. 

The harder he pushed, the more entrenched his colleague, Becca, became. In a flash, Miguel remembered the work he was doing to be less confrontational and woke up out of his defensive entrenchment. 

He paused, took a breath or two, and shifted to inquiry. He stopped and asked, “What are you most worried about if we implement this policy?”

The dynamics of the conversation shifted. Becca voiced her concerns about team cohesion and her struggles with work-life boundaries, issues Miguel hadn’t even considered. 

Within a few minutes, they transitioned from adversaries to collaborators and discovered a rewarding hybrid approach. The breakthrough was their willingness to stop pretending their position was the only answer and instead listen to and learn from each other.

The Courage To Say “I Don’t Know”

The shift from the arrogance of a knower to the humility of curiosity requires practice. It’s a shift of strength, not of weakness. It takes humility and vulnerability to honestly say, “I might be missing something.” 

And it takes real presence to listen without rehearsing a rebuttal. The rewards are invaluable. 

When we lead with curiosity, we signal to others and to ourselves that it’s safe to explore. That openness creates a space where new thinking, real listening, creativity, and mutual respect grow.

One executive, Racheal, initially struggled with this concept. “If I admit I don’t know something, won’t that undermine my authority? I’m being paid to have answers.” 

But with some coaching, she tried a new tactic in her team meetings. Before advocating her position, she began asking questions to hear other perspectives. 

Her fear of losing authority was unfounded. Her team began speaking up more, bringing problems to her earlier, offering more creative solutions, and taking greater ownership of outcomes. 

Her willingness to adjust her approach had a profound impact on the team.

Questions That Transform

When emotions run high or our values are threatened, it’s a cue to make an effort to change our reactive pattern. 

Asking sincere, non-judgmental questions in the heat of conflict can change the whole temperature of a conversation.

I witnessed this during a particularly tense C-suite meeting where two board members were locked in what seemed like an irreconcilable disagreement over budget priorities. 

The room was thick with frustration when one of them became aware of the impasse, paused, and said, “Okay, please help me understand your thinking. What am I missing?”

Our firmly held positions consist of four key elements that support them, elements that serve as a guide for asking effective questions. 

These aren’t just clever techniques, but are easy-to-remember questions that demonstrate a commitment to learning rather than judging, and to discovering rather than defending. 

I refer to the four key elements as CADS, rascals in our heads, full of mischief. They represent: Concerns, Authority/power issues, Desires, and Standards. 

Questioning our own and others’ motives around each of the CADS will guide us to reflect on and express our thoughts, as well as inquire into others’ perspectives.

Concerns – “What concerns are you holding that I might not be seeing?”

Authority – “What power dynamics are surrounding this issue?” (They exist in every conversation.)

Desires – “Help me understand what you want to accomplish with the decision.”

Standards – “What values or ethics are driving your position?”

With CADS, the questions reveal the unspoken thoughts driving each person’s position. 

In the instance with the two board members, when one simply asked the other about their concerns, the executive broke the intractable spell. One was concerned about growth and finances. 

The other was worried about quality and the need for careful stewardship. Their ability to change their reactive pattern led to a path forward and a collaborative conversation that satisfied them both.  

The Practice Of Curiosity

Curiosity as a conversational practice means developing specific habits. Before entering difficult conversations, I’ve learned to ask myself: “What am I most certain about here?” That certainty is often where my blind spots live.

Then I ask: “What might I be missing?” This small internal shift prepares me to listen for what I don’t yet know rather than for confirmation of what I think I already understand.

One parent shared with me how this approach transformed her relationship with her teenage daughter. Instead of launching into lectures when her daughter made questionable choices, she began asking, “Help me understand what was going through your mind.” 

Not only did she learn about pressures and social dynamics she’d forgotten from her own adolescence, but her daughter began coming to her for advice instead of hiding her struggles.

The Ripple Effect

When we trade the arrogance of knowing for the humility of learning, we unlock new possibilities in our relationships, our leadership, and ourselves. Curiosity creates a contagion of openness. 

When people feel genuinely heard and understood, they become more willing to extend the same grace to others.

This manifests in team dynamics, where one person’s genuine curiosity can shift an entire meeting from a defensive to a collaborative problem-solving approach. 

It appears in marriages, where partners stop trying to win arguments and aim to understand each other more deeply. It transforms organizational cultures, where diverse perspectives become assets instead of obstacles.

A CEO I coached discovered that his habit of asking “What are you learning?” instead of “What are your results?” in his one-on-ones had created a culture where people felt safe to experiment, fail fast, and innovate. 

His curiosity had given his team permission to also be curious.

The Quiet Revolution

Practicing curiosity is not about pretending to agree. It’s about being genuinely interested in how others think, feel, and see the world. 

It’s the practice of staying open when everything in us wants to close down, and of remaining teachable when we would rather be the teacher. 

In a culture full of noise and certainty, curiosity is a quiet act of rebellion and a powerful path to connection.