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How to Get What You Want in Life



How to Get What You Want in Life
Image Credit: Unsplash

Once upon a time, there was a ruler of the ancient Greek city of Sipylus called Tantalus. He was invited to dine with the great Greek gods on Mount Olympia, where he stole some exotic fruits to share with the common people. Of course, this made the Gods angry for betraying their hospitality. To please them, Tantalus then sacrificed his own son and offered him to the Gods. Goes without saying, this made things even worse.

As a punishment, the Gods threw Tantalus in the deepest part of the Underworld, reserved for evildoers. His damnation? — He was sentenced to sit in a pool of water, with fruits over his head. Every time he wanted to take a sip, the water receded. And when he reached for the fruit, it moved up. Simply put, it was a life of eternal frustration and dissatisfaction.

This story of King Tantalus very likely echoes to anyone with big goals who’s tried to achieve them all and have fallen short—which captures most of us really. It’s certainly a tantalizing feeling. 

Often, success seems so close on the horizon and yet—so far when we try to go after what we want. And every time we fail, we sit there, stewing in the juices of our own humiliation and disappointment, paralysed and frequently discouraged.

If you take it a bit further and do a post-mortem analysis of what happened, the reasons for not succeeding boil down to a few common reasons.

So, here is my advice on how to get over these hurdles and get closer to everything you want in life:

1. Know What You Want

Don’t fall into the too-broad fallacy. We often fail because we have our goals are too general or too vague. Don’t just say: “I want to be rich,” or “I want to be successful.” That’s very undefined. Success has many faces, and it means something different to every one of us.

Be explicit. For example, “I want to finish my book by the end of the year, I want to become a vice president next year, I want to have my own business by the time I’m 30.” It doesn’t matter how big or “crazy” your dream is. To be able to plan to “get there,” you must have a very good idea what and where “there” is.  So, get down to the nitty-gritty details and set for yourself some S.M.A.R.T goals.

“A goal properly set is halfway reached.” – Zig Ziglar

2. Believe in You

We sometimes think that our goals are out of our league—that they are too big and impossible, and that we are mad for dreaming about them. We also think we don’t have what it takes to achieve them or the needed skills, abilities, mojos. But remember that it may be all subjective, a perception. So, if you think you are lacking something which stops you from shooting for your stars, assess realistically—is it your low self-esteem talking, or you actually need to take some additional training or practice more.

What psychologists call self-efficacy, or the belief that we can achieve our goals, has been found to be paramount in successfully completing them. To build belief in you, run a strength inventory. Remind yourself of past successes. Often, we are so focused on the negative, our shortcomings, the dark in us, that we forget to look at the light and what makes us worthy.

3. See Yourself as the Person You Want to Become

How we see ourselves and what we think of ourselves is a major protagonist in our success story. It’s called self-image and generally has nothing to do with the image we see in the mirror. It’s internal. But how we view ourselves dictates our behavior, actions and outcomes.

Bob Proctor, the famous coach and public speaker, calls that picture of ourselves we hold deep in our subconscious minds “prime cause of success and failure in life.” If you have a low self-image, you have a slim chance at winning. It’s that powerful.

The best ways to build a more favorable self-image are through visualisation and priming. Creative visualization is the practice of purposely creating a visual imagery in your mind of the things you want to achieve and have. “A thought, in its substance, produces the thing that is imagined by the thought,” according to one of its first advocates Wallace D. Watters in his book “The Science of Getting Rich”.

That is, your subconscious mind drives your performance and successes. Priming is another technique for upgrading your self-image. It’s a way out of the gloom and the “I can’t do it” feelings. Tony Robbins admits practicing it every day and often talks about the ritual as the step toward turning around your life.

The main idea with these tactics is to challenge the comfort of the status quo. Seeing yourself in your mind succeeding day in and out will help you believe that it can actually play out in real life.

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” – Jim Rohn

4. Try (and See What Happens)

Have you ever been rejected? It stinks, right? It rarely feels as a blessing in disguise, no matter what we are told by the gurus. But what about if you were deliberately seeking rejection, to get more used to it? This is exactly what tech entrepreneur Jia Jiang did, which he also talked about in his famous Ted Talk “What I learned from 100 days of rejection.”

And guess what—if you try or ask, he tells us, you will be surprised how many people are willing to say “yes.” And of course, not every door you knock on will be answered, but his point is to get more intimate with rejection. It’s psychologically freeing to know that not every goal has a happy ending and that’s also perfectly fine.

To advance this a bit further—Prof.  Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist at Boston University, talks about the Challenge List in her book “How to be yourself.” It’s a list of all the things that make us anxious, which we need to purposely start doing anyway such as public speaking to being more assertive to socializing. It’s a successful technique in psychology, called desensitization—continuous exposure to the fear breaks its spell. 

In the end, going after what you want can be scary and intimidating. Often, it feels like a long shot at best. Of course, the easiest way out is to dismantle your tent and just leave—move on. But can you constantly run away when things get too challenging? Doesn’t sound like the winning strategy, does it? There are better ways to approach your goals—and amp up your chances of success.

In the times when I need to remind myself of this, I always remember a line I read a while ago from Venus Williams: “Games are won and lost long before you step on the court.” And judging by her strong track record, I believe she got it right. 

What do you want to get out of life within these next few months? Share your goals with us below!

Evelyn Marinoff is a writer and an aspiring author. She holds a degree in Finance and Marketing,  works in client consulting, and spends her free time reading, writing and researching ideas in psychology, leadership, well-being and self-improvement. On her website, she writes tips and pieces on self-enhancement and confidence. You can also find her on Twitter at @Evelyn_Marinoff.

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Failing is More Important Than Succeeding

Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures.



Image Credit: Unsplash

People often consider failure a stigma.  Society often doesn’t respect the people who failed and avoids and criticizes their actions. Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures. Not to have endeavored is worse than failing in life as at some stage of your life you regret not having tried in your life.  (more…)

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma



Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.


Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:


1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.


2. Persistent Pain

Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.

4. A strong need for control

It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
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3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Courage and Create a Life of Meaning

we cultivate meaning in our lives when we pursue our calling



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Our deepest human desire is to cultivate meaning in our lives. Our deepest human need is to survive. (more…)

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Grit: The Key to Your Ultimate Greatness

Grit is an overlooked aspect of success, but it plays a critical role.



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A grit mindset is an essential key to your greatness. It’s what separates those who achieve their goals from those who give up and never reach their potential. It’s also the difference between success and failure, happiness and misery. If you want to be great and achieve your dreams, then you need grit. Luckily, it’s something that can be learned. Please keep reading to learn more about grit and discover four ways to develop it. (more…)

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