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5 Reasons Your Relationship Is Keeping You Mediocre

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relationship tips

Relationships are challenging. It’s frustrating and disheartening when a relationship is operating below its potential. It can take the wind out of your sails and affect the tone of your day. You come home and you can tell she’s in a mood already. You wonder if you should ignore it or confront her about it.

With everything you have going on, the last thing you need is a problematic relationship. It’s distracting and it’s eating into the limited time and energy you could be spending on your side-hustle/world-domination project.

You ask yourself, “How can I get her to understand this is only temporary? How can I get us back on the same sheet of music?” The simple answer is by acting like it is temporary; by acting like it’s an investment in extraordinary. Fortunately, there’s only one way to do that; by not being ordinary.

If there’s one thing that’s true it’s that ordinary guys make explanations and excuses. Extraordinary guys make a difference. The way you handle her moods tells her volumes about which side of that line you are on. If you want a relationship that fits into a self-actualized life, start being extraordinary.

Here are 5 ways you’re being ordinary:

1. You use her for validation  

It’s natural for you to want validation, want her to fawn over you, and to treat you with awe and respect. But do you want it for doing nothing? Instead, do something amazing; try changing the world or changing somebody’s life. You’ll find you care a lot less about the applause once you do that.

2. You expect fairness  

She’s not fair, she misunderstands me. It’s supposed to be 50/50 right?”, you say. This sounds about as sexy as a household cleaning product commercial. Stop wanting fair and start wanting to light your life on fire. Start wanting extraordinary. Make her want to spontaneously combust because of how you make her feel. That’s an end zone worth driving for.

3. You want it to be safe and easy

Remember when you fell in love? Remember telling her you loved her for the first time? Remember the lump in your throat and the racing heartbeat? You need to understand that real love isn’t safe, it’s a risk. If the relationship is to be extraordinary, it will not be easy and will challenge you at every turn.

You know this from your job or running your own business. Rather than risk chasing a dream, most of your colleagues would stay in a job that was secure and paid decent even if they hated it. Most people pick mediocre and safe over extraordinary and risky. Which one are you going to choose?

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

4. You over-share  

How many times has this happened to you? You walk in and your partner asks “How was your day, honey? The floodgates open immediately. You bore her to tears about that new diet or new workout you’re starting and how hard it’s going to be. Or you go on and on about the problems you had in your day without showing interest in her day.

A little sharing goes a long way in relationships. Keep a little mystery and make her a little curious about what’s going on inside your head. Give her the bare minimum information about your day and instead be interested more in hers.

5. You’ve forgotten who you are

Here’s how to tell your identity is slipping: You get defensive and feel misunderstood; you feel like people don’t get you. Now, I don’t know you but maybe you’re totally intact. Maybe you are making a difference in your life that is completely in line with your identity; with who you want to be most.

Maybe you are creating meaning in your life and climbing Maslow’s pyramid every day. Sadly, I’m betting you’re not. I’m guessing you sold out a long time ago. Sold out to the money the promotion, the toys. Your wife’s affection or even just keeping her in a good mood took the place of the search for meaning. It’s time to get it back.

“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley

An exercise you must do to change your relationship

Imagine this, you come home to the same scene you always do. Your wife is sitting there with the same look and moodiness, ready to pounce on you for leaving your socks on the floor as always. But something’s different this time. This scene just doesn’t feel the same as normal.

At first you can’t place what it is, but then it hits you. It’s you that is different. The heaviness is gone and the burden has been lifted. For some reason, you find her mood endearing. You are strangely excited by the idea of engaging with her and the risk doesn’t scare you.

Instead, you feel confident and grounded in knowing who you are and the meaning you want to make in this situation, in your relationship and in your life. So if you’re ready to start being extraordinary here’s your assignment:

Step one: Share this article with five guys you know who are settling for ordinary in their relationships.

Step two: Spend the next five days keeping track of every time you fall into an ordinary guy pattern from above. Keep a journal and every night before bed brainstorm ways you could have handled those situations differently. Once you’ve done that, then come back here and tell me what happened.

What problems did you figure out you had in your relationship and how did you fix them? Leave your thoughts below!

Image courtesy of Twenty20.com

Joseph Freynik helps the successful man who doesn’t want his marriage to become another casualty of chasing his dream. You can learn to speak her language, actually win fights, be her hero again and stay out of the doghouse for good. Home should be a place of peace, romance and inspiration. Start today: get the free quick start guide: Basic Romantic Fighting Tactics.

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Life

The Imbalanced Problem with Work/Life Balance

Balancing is for your checkbook, gymnastics, and nutrition; not for your people’s work/life ratio.

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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