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The Reason Why You Should Let Toxic Leaders Win

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toxic leadership
Image Credit: Entrepreneur.com

Have you ever had to suffer under a toxic leader in a business setting? You know, the one who puts their individual interests ahead of the company or organization they serve? Of course, toxic leaders don’t come equipped with a warning label. They are usually hidden under smiles and friendliness. But it rarely takes long for that feeling in your gut that something isn’t right to be justified.

Oftentimes, you figure this out when what you thought was straightforward turns out not to be, or when you’re told something you later learn was a lie. The problem with toxic leaders isn’t just that they are poisonous to the culture around them, it’s that they are typically very good strategists. Toxic leaders might be bullies, but schoolyard strategies don’t work.

When I was in grade school, I was a scrawny kid. I learned to deal with bullies at an early age. Once, our local newspaper snapped a photo of me in karate class. It was a great photo of a small, skinny kid in full kick. But when the paper ran it, suddenly all the school bullies decided to test their skills on me. At that time, my best strategy was to be fast. I vividly remember a particularly large kid yelling, “Hold still so I can hit you!” Really?

“Don’t let bad people turn you anti-social. Just become anti-jerks.” – Karen Salmansohn

As an adult, it isn’t in me to give in to bullies. When someone is misrepresenting themselves or lying at the expense of others, it ignites every feeling of wanting to create justice in an unjust situation. Initially, when dealing with toxic leaders in my career, I followed the same strategy that has worked as a kid. I worked fast to out-maneuver them.

They lied, I told the truth. They did backdoor campaigning, I immediately spoke openly. They misrepresented facts, my fact checks were rapid and came with backup. They got rid of impediments to their rule, I stood up for people who were being ousted unfairly. The thing is, it’s exhausting. There is great personal cost because it takes all of your energy.

And often when everything was finished, the results were exactly the same as if I had done nothing. Toxic people get to leadership roles because they are good at strategy. And I found that I often underestimated just how far they were willing to go to get what they wanted.

Will you cross your own personal lines to win the game?

Stephen Covey shared in his book, The Speed of Trust: “When keeping your commitment becomes hard, you have two choices: You can change your behavior to match your commitment, or you can lower your values to match your behavior.”

I found that in dealing with toxic leadership, the question I had to ask myself wasn’t: “What happens if they win?” Instead, it was “Who do I want to be?” I could be someone who became consumed with winning, or I could drop the rope and end the game of tug of war.

This willingness to let go is one of the hardest things to do, because you don’t know what will happen to the company, group, or organization you love. Toxic is a synonym for poison, and make no mistake, poison has one function. Perhaps, you stay in too long and get consumed with angst trying to patch up the collateral damage that toxic leaders create in their wake.

So, how do you know when it’s time to drop the rope?

The timing gets clear, when you look inside. There is always a moment when staying will require you to cross a personal line. When you get to the point where the only move is one that will compromise your integrity, you’ll know you’re done.

You wave the white flag and pack your bags. You leave, giving up whatever it is that you’ve built that you’ve been so afraid to lose. It’s the counter-intuitive move to let the toxic leader win that is the very thing which creates positive motion.

And often, there is great personal cost to make that move. But here’s the thing, that’s only in the short term. Toxic leaders always make the same mistake that costs them in the end; and it’s inherent in the nature of the toxicity itself.

Healthy leadership focuses on the people they are leading. They look at the impact of their decisions on others. They build people up, and engender loyalty which results in influence. The focus of toxic leadership is on themselves. They go for ego-based wins not realizing that those short-term wins lose them followers. Leverage gets mistaken for loyalty.

The myopia causes toxic leaders to miss that they don’t have a following. In fact, it often produces deep frustration for them because they don’t understand why their actions don’t create momentum. The surprising reality is that toxic people don’t think they are toxic. Most are genuinely astounded—not to mention defensive—when confronted with their toxicity.

“Over time, you start noticing that some people just aren’t worth it anymore.”

The win you get from letting go

You can’t win the “you’re toxic” argument. Evidence doesn’t work because they won’t believe it. Not only that, but they enjoy the fight because they believe they are fighting a just cause in protecting themselves. You can’t bank on their empathy for those they are leading. It doesn’t exist.

Toxic leaders enjoy the fight, and no amount of strategy will allow you to protect yourself (or your reputation) against someone who doesn’t act with integrity. So don’t. Let the toxic leader win. If you stay too long, your creative energy is drained in the conflict—and often the results are the same as if you’d left earlier. Go use that energy to build something life-giving somewhere else. Besides, you can afford the short-term loss. The win is in protecting your integrity by not playing the game.

How do you deal with toxic people? Share your advice in the comments below!

Craig Janssen is an expert in design for spaces where thousands come together to share an experience.  As an international facility strategist serving architects, venue owners, and developers, Craig leads Idibri—a multidisciplinary team of technology designers, acousticians, and theatre planners. Check out Craig’s TEDx talk, Will Future Generations Want What We Build?

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Success Advice

20 Ways You Can Become a Powerful Communicator

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Emile Steenveld Speaker and Coach

Some people seem to naturally know how to effectively communicate in a group setting. They can express themselves clearly and listen attentively without dominating the conversation.

Being a powerful communicator is important for several reasons, including building and maintaining relationships, achieving goals, resolving conflicts, improving productivity, leading and influencing others, advancing in your career, expressing yourself more confidently and authentically, and improving your mental and emotional well-being. Effective communication is an essential life skill that can benefit you in all aspects of your life.

But, don’t worry if you don’t naturally possess this skill, as effective communication is something that can be developed with practice, planning and preparation.
 

1.  Listen actively: Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the speaker and responding to what they are saying.

 

2. Use “I” statements: Speak from your own perspective and avoid placing blame or making accusations.

 

3. Avoid assumptions: Don’t make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.

 

4. Be clear: Express your thoughts and feelings clearly and concisely by getting to the point and avoid using jargon or overly complex language.

 

5. Show empathy: Show that you understand and care about the other person’s feelings.

 

6. Offer valuable insights: When speaking in a group, provide a valuable takeaway or actionable item that people can walk away with.

 

7. Be an active listener: Listen attentively and respond accordingly, incorporating your points into the conversation.

 

8. Choose the right time: Pick the most opportune time to speak to ensure that you have the group’s attention and can deliver your message without interruption.

 

9. Be the unifying voice: Step in and unify the group’s thoughts to calm down the discussion and insert your point effectively.

 

10. Keep responses concise: Keep responses short and to the point to show respect for others’ time.

 

11. Avoid unnecessary comments: Avoid commenting on everything and only speak when you have something important to say.

 

12. Cut the fluff: Avoid being long-winded and get straight to the point.

 

13. Prepare ahead of time: Sort out your points and practice them before speaking in a group.

 

14. Smile and be positive: Smile and nod along as others speak, to build a positive relationship and be respected when it’s your turn to speak.

 

15. Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

 

16. Ask questions: Ask questions to clarify any confusion or misunderstandings.

 

17. Avoid interrupting: Allow the other person to finish speaking without interruption.

 

18. Practice active listening: Repeat what the other person said to ensure you have understood correctly.

 

19. Use your body language too: Use nonverbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language to convey your message and build rapport.

 

20. Be aware of the tone of your voice: it should be calm and assertive, not aggressive or passive.

 

By keeping these tips in mind, you can improve your communication skills and become a more powerful communicator, which can help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a more fulfilling life.

I you want to learn how to become more confident in life then you can join my weekly mentorship calls and 40+ online workshops at AweBliss.com so you can master your life with more success.

 
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A blueprint for CEOs to draw a disciplined strategy

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Strategic thinking helps CEOs build successful businesses. It helps them establish everlasting enterprises. It is one of the key elements of decision-making. It is different from strategic leadership. It differentiates between leaders from managers.  (more…)

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How to Focus Your Mind on Your Goals in 2023 Constructively

In this world of distractions due to information overload, it has become a big challenge to focus our minds

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In this world of distractions due to information overload, it has become a big challenge to focus our minds on positive aspects and constructive activities. Sometimes we waste our precious time mentally and physically due to distractions arising out of technology. We must understand our priorities and learn how to focus on them religiously. (more…)

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