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Are You A Victor or Victim? 12 Signs You Have The Victim Mentality

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When was the last time you spent a day or two being the victim? Was it that you wanted something, and it just didn’t go your way or did someone hurt your feelings?

If that’s you, do not even start feeling bad about it.  We are all guilty of playing the victim at some point in our lives.

You like most of us react the same way when our feelings get hurt.  You feel insulted, disrespected, abandoned, humiliated just to name a few of the emotions you experience.

You are human, and human beings will feel those emotions but how long do they last?  Do you hang on to these emotions for lengthy periods of time? Do you tend to wallow in self-pity for days? Do you think the whole world is against you? Or Do you get yourself together, realize that you made a mistake and that some things are just not under your control and immediately start working to change your future?

“Learn from your past but don’t live in it.” – Steve Maraboli

I hope you choose the latter and work on making positive changes in your life. If you don’t, I have included a few of the tips that I used to become unstuck.

Here are 12 ways to become the victor and not the victim:

 

1. Recognize the self-loathing stage

When you start thinking that bad things only happen to you, and you are asking yourself why me, then you are in the self-loathing stage.

Change your mindset immediately.  Instead of asking yourself those questions, start thinking about what you can do to turn things around.  Thoughts like those only make you feel worse about yourself. Remember you will have to fix the situation if you want to make things right, so it is better to do so immediately than to spend time attacking yourself.

Refocus your mind on things that will take you from that low.  Think about the things that make you a wonderful human being.  Listen to motivational speakers, read positive quotes or find something to do that will take your mind away from your problems.

 

2. Recognize when you start looking back at the past with regrets

When you begin to focus on the past with regrets, it means you are heading down the wrong path.  Grieve for your mistakes and bury them.

You must realize that the past is behind you and never can be retrieved so you must move forward.  Looking back will only delay your progress.  The past is in the past for a reason, either you must continue to grow, or you need to change your focus.  Dwelling on your past mistakes and feeling down and depressed will only increase your suffering and ruin your chances for future successes.

Use the mistakes of the past, not only as a reminder never to go back, but also to see how far you have come.  You are over your past at this stage so applaud yourself for moving ahead.  You are now stronger and wiser because of those mistakes.  Learn from them and move on.  Your mistakes are not who you are as a person.  Separate yourself from the things you did.

Victim Mentality
 

3. Recognize when you are comparing your achievements to others

When you start comparing yourself to others, you view as better off you are playing the victim.

First you have to know who you are as a person.  There is no one else like you on this earth, and there will never be.  Even if you imitate everything they do, you will never be them, and you must accept that. Start accepting who you are and work on appreciating your gifts. Why would you want to live someone else’s life when you have yours to live?

You will never be happy being someone else so accept yourself and love who you are. Work on building your dreams and achieving your goals. Work to become the best version of yourself.

 

4. You aren’t happy with your success

When you start looking at your achievements and not seeing much, you are feeling sorry for yourself.

You must start celebrating your achievements no matter how small and insignificant they may seem to you.  Someone else would love to be in your shoes.  Do not diminish all the things you have achieved thus far as this will prevent you from appreciating anything else in the future.  Be happy where you are in your life and celebrate what you have.  That is exactly where you should be.  Keep working harder to get where you want but in the meantime celebrate your achievements.

Happiness is a choice so choose to be happy.  Work hard to achieve your goals, but choose to remain happy while doing so.  Don’t delay your happiness to achieve material things because they won’t make you happy.

 

5. You are becoming withdrawn

If you weren’t someone who liked staying away from others and you find yourself suddenly wanting to be by yourself, then you are playing the victim.

Never abandon the relationships you have and become withdrawn when you are feeling sad. You may be sad and disappointed but remember, we all at different stages of our lives, have been disappointed and heartbroken.  Abandoning your friends and family will only make things harder for you.

Make the effort to hang around positive people who will encourage and motivate you.  Stay amongst people who know and support you.  The ones who see the greatness in you and will encourage you.

 

6. You start placing blame  

When you start blaming someone or something for the state you are in, then you are becoming the victim.

You must realize that you are solely responsible for your life and your achievements.  It is no one else’s job to give you the life you want. Blaming others for the position you find yourself in will only prevent you from improving.  You must accept responsibility for your life.

Desist from blaming others and work to find solutions to your problems.  Blaming others will only create distance between you and others who could help you. Remember you cannot do it alone and placing the blame will only keep people away from you.

Accept that you have erred and work to improve your future.  Remember whatever you want, you can achieve if you are prepared to work hard enough.  You have your whole life ahead of you to make up for all your mistakes.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless.” – Byron Katie

7. You see yourself as a failure

When you start seeing yourself as a failure then you know you are wallowing in being the victim.

You can never be a failure as long as you are prepared to keep fighting. You will sometimes fail like most of us have, but you must realize that failing at something doesn’t mean the end.  It might simply mean you need to pause, change your strategy or work harder.

Never think of yourself as a failure because things didn’t work out this time.  Keep doing it until you get it right.  Remember you only fail when you give up.

 

8. You are not able to forgive

If you are not able to forgive all those who have hurt or harmed you including yourself, then you are in a victim mentality state.

You must be prepared to forgive those who have caused you harm not for them, but yourself.  Most of the people who have done things to you might not even be aware they have caused you pain and even if they are aware, do not care.  Letting go of the hurt and pain does more good for you than anyone else.

You must also forgive yourself in the process for allowing others to hurt you.  You have given them your power and they have used it to hurt you. You need also to forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

When you forgive, you are giving yourself permission to be free.  You are allowing yourself the freedom to grow and succeed.  You are allowing yourself to live life to the fullest.

 

9. You have become angry and bitter

If you find that you are becoming angry and bitter, it means you are still in your victim mentality state.

No matter what happens in your life, you must make a conscious effort never to allow these things to make you angry or bitter.  You will be the one to suffer because of it.  You won’t enjoy life, relationships or your successes, as you will be too angry and bitter to appreciate the good things in your life.

Life knocks us all down sometimes, but you must understand that is life.  You are no different nor are you special when it comes to pain, disappointment and hurt.  We all have to go through hardship.

 

10. You stop caring about your appearance

If you find that you are no longer taking care of yourself, then you are in a self-destructive mode.

Your appearance is very important when you are going through difficult times.  You cannot afford to let yourself go.  Take care of yourself for you.

Find a gym or dance class if you like indoor activities and if you are more of an outdoors person start jogging or doing other outdoor activities. Choose clothes that fit properly and try not to become an emotional eater.  You must make an effort to eat well. Remember you are special and that will not change because you are going through a difficult time.  You will remain special through life’s ups and downs.

 

11. When you take rejections hard

If you find it very difficult to take rejections, it means you consider yourself a victim.

Nobody likes being rejected, but when you find that you take it too personal, then you are allowing the rejection to be who you are.  A person might reject you not because they have issues with you, but because they are having problems of their own.  People will critique you based on their perception of themselves.  Many times that has nothing to do with you and who you are.

You must be able to differentiate between someone critiquing your work and criticizing you.  You must also be able to take rejection for what it is.

“I am not a victim. No matter what I have been through, I’m still here. I have a history of victory.”  – Steve Maraboli

12. You are no longer taking risks

When you find that you are no longer willing to take the necessary risks to succeed, it means you see yourself as a victim.

To succeed, you must be prepared to take the risk that will enable you to succeed.  Without risk, you will not be rewarded. You cannot be afraid or lack confidence in your abilities that you are no longer willing to take the steps to achieve your goals.

Resist becoming a victim of any kind.  You must understand that you are special and being a victim will only rob you of the chance to succeed.

 

Take care of yourself and those you love.  Forgive those around you who haven’t been so kind and most of all forgive you.You do not have to become a victim ever in your life if you are prepared to remain the victor.The fact that you are still alive means you have already won.  You are a victor and will forever be one so start accepting who you are.

Thank you for reading my article! Which sign is your biggest action killer?

Rose Costas is a big believer in the power of facing your challenges head on and then boldly wear your scars to show others that they too can be triumphant.  She is an accountant by profession with a new found passion for blogging and a future author and best seller. You can received her amazing free Ebook  “34 Ways to Build Your Confidence Today”.

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10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. Olga

    Oct 19, 2017 at 3:06 am

    Great article. As my autistic 17 year old was raging in the house today, I kept saying over and over ‘I am a victor. I am a victor”. I never use that word, but for some reason today, I started saying it– I liked the way it sounds. I like your positive take responsibility attitude. My favorite was number 2- Grieve for your mistakes and BURY THEM. I need to remind myself of that as I am often tempted to cry over spilled milk. But most of all, I keep making every effort to continue to follow the Lord. God bless you.

  2. John Michael

    Aug 27, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Thank you very much for this article. In truth, someone really hurt me earlier this year and I’ve been carrying it around in my heart not forgiving the person nor myself for what happened.
    Thanks to you i can breathe again. I am truly grateful.

    • Rose Costas

      Aug 28, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      John Michael as I stated earlier forgiveness is for you not the other person necessarily. When you choose to forgive you are setting yourself free to go out and love and live a free life. You are releasing yourself from the bondage imposed by pent up anger and bitterness so the real you can live again. I am glad you have chosen to forgive and move on so you can enjoy the wonderful life you so rightly deserve.

  3. B Collins

    Aug 25, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Rose,

    Another great article. I have to admit I fall into the trap of reviewing my life and wishing I could change things in the past. Can’t do it. Have to focus on being positive and looking forward to the future.
    Keep up the good work Rose!!!

    • Rose Costas

      Aug 26, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      Thanks Bill for your comment. It is very important to learn the lessons from your past but you must work on leaving the past where it belongs. Hanging on to the past will only delay all that is waiting ahead for you in the future.

  4. Ngiam Tee Ee

    Aug 24, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks for the advice given, today I just trying to get to talk to the girl that I quite interested sometimes ago, since I don’t know her and she don’t know me as well. So when I approach her wanting to meeting her knowing her name. She ignored me and went. At first, it was quite hard to accept but, i’m a risk taker and I tried, i’m a winner here!!

    After reading your article I think that most of their opinion on you won’t matter, because you can’t control what happens. So may I ask should I continue to try getting to know her or move on? Thanks, hope you can give some advice here, thanks!

    • Rose Costas

      Aug 25, 2015 at 11:10 am

      Ngiam Tee Ee I am not an expert on relationships but I would suggest you become her friend. Try to know this person for who she is by becoming friends first. You might even find out that you do not even like her as much as you thought you did..
      You have to be confident in yourself and approach her with confidence. Nothing beats a great smile and a hello. Find out something about her from her friends and use that to start a conversation.
      If she refuse you then it is her loss. Good luck.

  5. Rose Costas

    Aug 23, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    Hi Tejaswi

    The point I am trying to make is that people often times judge others based on how they view themselves. We all have short comings and many times we use our short comings as a guide to how we see others. We limit ourselves and therefore we have limits for other people as well.

    For example you mentioned your ex criticizing you a lot. You have to understand that in fact she wasn’t criticizing you but herself. She placed limits on herself and because of those limits she was using that to judge you.
    Most people become angry at others because they are angry and frustrated with themselves first. You have to know yourself and be confident enough to believe who you are and never allow anyone else’s perception of you to be who you accept as real.

  6. Tejaswi Khanna

    Aug 23, 2015 at 1:41 am

    Hi. Great article

    “People will critique you based on their perception of themselves.” Can you elaborate on it??

    My ex criticized me to a whole new level and I could not handle rejection. Now, a burning desire to prove her wrong sticks in my mind, which I know I should let go, but I don’t know how.

    Thanks

    • Rose Costas

      Aug 23, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      Hi Tejaswi
      The point I am trying to make is that people often times judge others based on how they view themselves. We all have short comings and many times we use our short comings as a guide to how we see others. We limit ourselves and therefore we have limits for other people as well.

      For example you mentioned your ex criticizing you a lot. You have to understand that in fact she wasn’t criticizing you but herself. She placed limits on herself and because of those limits she was using that to judge you.
      Most people become angry at others because they are angry and frustrated with themselves first. You have to know yourself and be confident enough to believe who you are and never allow anyone else’s perception of you to be who you accept as real.

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Life

6 Reasons Why You Should Never Glorify Failure After You’ve Failed

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Many people are ashamed of failure. If they so much as smell a whiff of failure, they quit instantly because the public notices it quickly. But you shouldn’t be ashamed of failure. A lot of people have failed. I’ve failed over and over again in my career, business, relationships and more. Yet, I keep trying because failure isn’t the final verdict. (more…)

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Life

How to Move Forward When All Seems Lost

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A few weeks ago, the relationship of my venture with a long-term client turned rocky. Losing them would mean a huge loss for my business, but it appeared like that’s where we were headed. My mind raced with unpleasant thoughts. Maybe the client had figured out that I couldn’t lead my team well. Maybe I was not good enough to be an entrepreneur. Maybe I was not good enough to do anything.

Why was the world so unfair?! Within moments, my anxiety had shot through the roof and my heart was racing faster than an F1 car engine. But I know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

Why Problems Overwhelm Us

As human beings, we’re good at solving problems, so they shouldn’t stress us out. Yet, they do just that. Why?

Consider some of these situations in life. When a relationship is headed for troubled waters, we wonder whether our partner loves us anymore. Our mind unearths memories of when we got dumped or rejected. We blame ourselves for falling for the wrong people and tell ourselves that we’re not worth receiving love.

How do you think the relationship will steer after that? If we cannot stick to a diet, we think of other times when we gave up. We remember what people said about things that we couldn’t do and ask ourselves, “were they right?” We tell ourselves that we don’t have what it takes to succeed at anything.

Do you think we’ll find the grit to stick to the diet after this? So here we are… thinking we’re not good enough to be entrepreneurs, to be loved, to get promoted, or to achieve our personal goals. Notice a pattern yet? We move in the wrong direction. The destination is to achieve the goal. And unless we stop giving into emotions and start addressing situations, we’ll keep failing to get there.

Negative emotions (and even extremely positive ones) blur our vision. The more we focus on them, the deeper we go into how we feel. We either get angry because things aren’t the way we want them to be, or get paralyzed by the fear of the worst possible outcome. This means we pull away from the one thing we must do to set things right — take action.

“If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.” – Dale Carnegie

How to Take Action in the Face of Problems

Most human beings are good at solving problems. Where we get blindsided is at diagnosing the right problem. To diagnose the right problem, we must address the situation instead of emotions. We must see things for what they are, collect facts on what we’re worrying about, and then ask ourselves, “What should I do next?”

In his book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, Dale Carnegie wrote: “Neither you nor I nor Einstein nor the Supreme Court of the United States is brilliant enough to reach an intelligent decision on any problem without first getting the facts.”

To address the tricky situation with my client, I took the following three steps:

1. First, I acknowledged the feeling

Solving a problem doesn’t mean ignoring emotions. It’s important to acknowledge how you feel because it reveals the path, but domesticating your emotions is more important. I acknowledged how I felt by saying, “I feel anxious because the client might not want to work with us anymore and this will be a financial loss for us.”

Note how I said “I feel anxious” and not “I’m a loser.” If I had given into negative chatter, I wouldn’t have uncovered the direction to move in (the part after “because”). This is why domesticating emotions is crucial.

2. Next, I prepared for the worst

We often run from our worst fears rather than facing them despite knowing that the worst outcome rarely comes true. The result is that we stay stuck in fear instead of pushing beyond it. And we never discover what we’re really capable of, which sucks.

In my case, the worst meant losing the client. It would hurt but it was the truth. However, we could get more clients. Plus we already had other clients who helped us pay the bills. In other words, I wouldn’t have to live on the street.

The moment I accepted this, a huge weight got lifted off my chest. This prepared me for the third and final step.

“Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.” – Zig Ziglar

3. Lastly, I examined the situation

Examining a situation means setting aside your emotional baggage and focusing on facts. When you trust that you’ll be okay, you become better at diagnosing the real problem. Once I felt lighter, I could see things clearly.

I used the 5 Whys Technique (asking “why” five times) to figure out the real reason for the client’s dissatisfaction. Then I collected data on the issue and on what we had previously delivered.

Finally, I reached out to the CEO of the client and held a detailed and constructive discussion based on my findings. Within four days, the CEO and I were back to the way things were before.

The best way to prepare for tomorrow is to give today your best. I’m not sure whether the issue with the client got resolved for good or whether the client won’t pack up and leave one day. However, I am sure that I’m prepared to handle such cases better today than I was yesterday.

Control your emotions instead of letting them run amok. Accept things for what they are instead of what you want them to be. Be realistic instead of delusional. Address the situation instead of succumbing to emotions.

Don’t preempt what lies ten miles ahead and get paralyzed by fear. Address what lies clearly in front of you and keep moving. One day you’ll be surprised about how close to your destination you are.

How do you move forward when all hope seems to be lost? Share your advice below!

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8 Effective Tips to Improve Your Emotional Wellbeing

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You know what they say, “Health Is Wealth”. But, more often than not, we only mean it in the context of physical health. There’s no question that being fit is the world’s greatest treasure. Unfortunately, not a lot of us take time out to look after our emotional health and wellbeing.

Let’s not forget – it’s ‘Mind Over Matter’. So, if you are able to take control of your emotions, thoughts, how you feel through the day and how you respond to myriad situations; there’s nothing quite like it. When you become the master of your emotions; health, prosperity, and basically all good things are bound to follow you.

With that said, here are 8 surefire ways that will improve your emotional wellbeing:

1. Practice Mindfulness

Half the time, we don’t even know what we’re thinking or how we’re feeling. That’s because we let our minds operate on autopilot. It’s time to take control of your mind. Be aware of what and how you feel throughout the day. The upside to this practice is that you can detect negative emotions right on the onset and quickly change them and their corresponding feeling.

Feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred; they are not good for the mind, soul, or the body. Paying close attention to the spectrum of emotions you experience throughout the day, will help you detect the negative ones and kick them away before they fester deep enough to take away your happiness and emotional health.

2. Stay Physically Active

As you engage in physical activities, your brain produces a whole bunch of feel-good hormones such as endorphins and dopamine. These hormones are what causes the ‘elated’ or ‘euphoric’ feeling. Being physically active uplifts your mood and your outlook towards life. It readies you to take the challenges more head-on instead of becoming overwhelmed by the littlest of inconvenience.

You are better able to analyze tough situations and take a more proactive rather than a reactive approach. It’s no question physical health is in direct proportion with emotional health. A healthy mind resides in a healthy body and vice versa.

“Caring for the mind is as important and crucial as caring for the body. In fact, one cannot be healthy without the other.” – Sid Garza-Hillman

3. Get Sufficient Sleep

Ever noticed how you feel depressed and cranky, and just out of focus the day you fail to get a good night’s sleep? Well, if you fail to get sufficient sleep for a couple of days, you are bound to feel more depressed, cranky and eventually more prone to a host of negative emotions. Research shows that sleep deprivation sends amygdala – our brain’s emotional response center into overdrive.

Amygdala controls our immediate emotional responses. When it becomes overactive, we become more reactive rather than active. We become more irritable, angry and anxious. A good night’s sleep is vital to improving your emotional wellbeing.

4. Develop a New Hobby

Learn to swim. Try arts and crafts. How about painting? Swimming is a ‘happy’ activity. You get to make new friends and stay fit. Arts and crafts, as we all know, tends to have a relaxing effect on the mind and the nerves.

Just the process of creating something from scratch makes you confident and gets those creative juices flowing. Similarly, painting helps you express yourself. All these factors together create a ‘happy you’. The one who likes to engage in new things instead of resisting change or difficult situations.

5. Eat Healthy

Ever heard of the phrase, “You are what you eat”? Well, it’s true to the last syllable. When you eat foods rich in salt, sodium, fat – you are bound to feel lethargic. It takes longer for the body to digest such foods. That means the body is forced to deprive organs of blood and use it for the digestion purpose.

Result? You become lazy, moody, not ready to take any responsibility which leads to feeling cranky and irritable. On the other hand, eating fibrous vegetables, fruits, salads, and complex sugars keeps you upbeat and healthy.

6. Laugh Your Heart Out

Laughter is the best medicine. That is why they have a dedicated ‘laughter session’ in yoga studios. You don’t even have to mean it. The simple act of spreading your cheeks and pretending to laugh sends a signal to your body that you are happy.

And what happens when you are happy? Your brain releases happy hormones like dopamine, serotonin and what not. In fact, many studies have gone so far as to stipulate that laughter alone is capable of treating all kinds of physical ailments. Why should emotional ailments be any different?

7. Try Relaxation Techniques

‘’Visualization technique’’ where you imagine yourself in a happy place is a surefire way to calm your nerves if you find yourself distressed. You may also try praying to elate yourself. Praying is good for the mind and the soul.

Controlled breathing or ‘biofeedback technique’ are some other relaxation techniques that can tame how you feel and even your bodily functions. Try surrounding yourself with aromatherapy or scented candles because the smell is a big factor in governing how we feel.

“Positive emotional energy is the key to health, happiness and wellbeing. The more positive you are, the better your life will be in every area.” – Brian Tracy

8. Count Your Blessings

We all have so much to be thankful for. It could be a friend who stands by you or a happy family. Good health. Financial freedom. Make a list of all the things that you feel grateful for in your life. If it’s a person, be sure to communicate your feelings and express your gratitude.

You will feel so much happier. Happiness is the diet of a healthy mind and an intelligent emotional response mechanism. You could also try writing a poem or simply expressing your gratitude through the power of prayers.

There are so many ways to become emotionally intelligent and not one of them requires any investment or special skills. Practically anyone and everyone can do it. All you need is the will and the desire.

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How You Can Use the Power of Gratitude to Your Advantage

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The word gratitude has been tossed around, but do you know exactly what it means or how to implement it into your life? Someone has probably told you in your life, “Express more gratitude.” Well, that sounds like a great idea, but if you don’t know what gratitude is, how can you fully express it in your life? It’s a concept that once you grasp, it will change your life. (more…)

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