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3 Secrets to Instant Charisma & Likability

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3 Secrets to Instant Charisma & Likability

Do you have one of those friends who absolutely everyone loves? People love talking to them, confiding in them, and they always seem to get ahead in life even when they may not be as smart as you. These people have charisma.

There’s a common misnomer that charisma is one of those things you either have or you don’t. That’s wrong. The deal is charisma is a skill that can be learned, adjusted and practiced. It’s true! In a controlled lab experiment, researchers proved that they could increase or decrease people’s charisma ratings by training them to speak charismatically.

Today I want to share three ways you can instantly boost your charisma and likability when interacting with other people:

Secret #1: Be present

Do you notice that when you talk to charismatic people you feel like you’re the only person in the room? This is because they’re insanely attentive and they make you feel important.

The difference between them and you is that while your mind is racing about what you should say next or how you’re being perceived, they’re “in the moment.” They are present and engaged and that’s why people describe them by saying something like “oh that person just has a presence about them.”

Well, you can too.

How to be present in conversations

Next time you have a conversation, rather than letting your mind run around about how the other person is judging you or what you’re going to make for dinner, focus on the conversation at hand. Observe your mind the next time you’re in a conversation and figure out if your mind was wandering or if you were listening attentively. I like to call this the “mental double-check” and you can do this every few minutes to make sure you’re staying present.

Observe your mind like a parent watching over a playground. Catch yourself if your mind is not focused on the conversation and the other person. If your mind is wandering, draw your mind back to the conversation. Visualize what the person is saying in your mind to stay present.

Remember, what you think in your mind dictates your verbal and nonverbal cues. By focusing on the words and imagining the story the person is sharing, you’ll find it easier to maintain eye contact and react to the other person, making them feel uber important. Since you’re treating them like they’re the only person in the room, you will seem more charismatic and attentive.

 

Toba-Meta
 

Secret #2: Listen

Our society has become so obsessed with broadcasting our own thoughts and emotions that we forget to acknowledge others’ sentiments. Did you know you spend 60% of your time listening and only retain 25% of what you hear?

One of the easiest ways to make people feel good is to show that you’re listening. People love talking about themselves. Harvard scientists studied the human brain while subjects talked about themselves and learned that “self-disclosure” triggers the pleasure center of the brain, the same areas that are triggered by alcohol, sugar and even sex!

So the next time you want to be charismatic….shut up and listen!

How to listen effectively

Julian Treasure, a sound consultant who studies sounds for a living suggests this acronym for conscious listening: RASA

  • Receive- receive and pay attention to the other person
  • Appreciate- appreciate by using verbal and nonverbal cues like nodding, eye contact or saying “yes”
  • Summarize- you can summarize what the other person is saying by using “so”
  • Ask– ask questions to get a better understanding of the other person

Keep this acronym in mind the next time you’re having a conversation and notice how much the other person enjoys speaking with you. When others are talking about themselves and those pleasure centers are activated, they’ll be thinking you’re the most charismatic person ever.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” – Bryant H. McGill

Secret #3: Establish trust by getting personal

Conversations are two-way streets. Although it’s great to listen, you can’t solely rely on the other person to hold the entire conversation, that would just be awkward. There are also times where you may want to establish trust or take the conversation to a deeper level. You can achieve all these things by sharing something personal about yourself.

Showing vulnerability can go a long way. In an interesting study by Richard Wiseman, two actresses tried to sell blenders to people at the mall. Actress one had a flawless performance demonstrating the blender, actress two “forgot” to put the lid on before blending getting juice all over herself! Guess who sold more blenders? Actress number two. Her vulnerability humanized her, it made her more relatable and people were drawn to that.

How can you begin to show some vulnerability?

How to get personal

Use the conversation at hand to parlay it into an “I” statement where you share an experience or story. For example you could say something like, “When I started a business a few years ago, I learned XYZ” or “When I went through a tough breakup last month, I also XYZ.”

This is especially effective if you’re sharing something that strongly resonates with your conversation partner, like if you both went through tough break-ups.

To take this principle a step further, you can also preface your “I” statements to show that you’re sharing something really personal. You can use phrases like, “I haven’t told many people this…” or “I usually don’t tell people I just met this, but I feel like I can trust  you…” this helps establish trust and goodwill, which will likely be reciprocated.

Showing vulnerability can make you relatable which in turn will make you likable and charismatic. So the next time you want to take your charisma to the next level, share something to make a more “human” connection.

Conclusion

Just like social skills, charisma is one of those things that can be practiced and perfected. The next time you have a conversation with someone make it a point to be present, to listen effectively and to share something about yourself so you can up your charisma score.

Thank you for reading my article! What other secrets do you think helps build charisma?
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3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Kyle Colley

    Nov 16, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Great post, Charisma on Commad is an excellent book that will make you instantly more charismatic as well.

  2. Patricia Whited

    Oct 16, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    Awesome advice, and so simple…All you have to do is respect the other person’s right to an opinion. The give and take that makes human interaction enjoyable. Thanks!

  3. Lawrence Berry

    Oct 11, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Great tips for seeming and actually being more charismatic! Being present and actually listening to the person can make you a lot more likable and persuasive. Charisma can be learned if you are willing to learn about the art and actually practice it in your everyday life. I love it when people seems a though they are giving me their undivided attention and smiling at what I say, and I use this same technique every conversation that I have. Great post and information!

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It’s pretty annoying isn’t it? All those great and accomplished people telling you that FAILURE is a necessity on your way to success. Yeah, that’s easy for them to say; they’re already ‘on the other side’! You on the other hand, are still struggling all day everyday to get your business lifted off the ground and are really not that sure if you’re indeed going to make it.

There’s that little voice in your head that keeps telling you that you don’t have the stuff to make it all happen. Not now and not ever. You feel like a failure…it’s holding you back and you don’t know how to deal with it. Well you could do yourself a favor and start dealing with it by doing the following things:

1. Stop Denying You Feel Like A Failure

Telling yourself things are going great when they’re not is one of the biggest, though most useless, coping mechanisms human beings deploy in rough times. Common denial signals among entrepreneurs: trying to regain more control by working even more hours and on the other side compensating this by letting go of all this control by partying and drinking way too hard.

What you’re doing is denying yourself the opportunity to actually feel what’s going on and acknowledge the problem; that both you and your business are in a bad place. Without acknowledging it, it’ll be pretty difficult to actually STOP feeling it. And remember, just because you feel like a failure, this does not mean that you indeed ARE a failure!

2. Stop Making It Bigger Than it Really Is

This is one of those other ‘fun’ things human beings do; we blow things way out of proportion in our heads! In business, when you lose that big client you’ve been working on for weeks, it feels like it’s the end of the world. You start doubting yourself, your strategy, your entire business model right up to the point where you barely sleep because you’re working on pivoting the whole thing.

But what if that customer simply didn’t have the money to go for your service anyway? Or what if they just decided to go for someone who is cheaper but who offers less quality? Does that mean there’s something wrong with YOU? Or that this was the ONLY customer out there and that you’re now doomed forever?

Of course not, it simply means that THIS CUSTOMER wasn’t a match. It’s a bit like dating actually…So if you take this into consideration, could it be that you just feel like a failure instead of really not succeeding in that what you want to at this point in time?

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In fact, it’s very likely that you’re already doing, learning and succeeding at WAY more than most other people are. But for entrepreneurs, somehow, that never seems to be enough. You don’t just want to be successful after a few years of hard work (which is normal). You want to be successful after only a few months. Because you’re special…or at least you think you are…

Well, here’s the truth: you ARE special! But…it’s just not very likely that you’re one of those – very very rare – entrepreneurial superstars that – seemingly – just added some hot water and got instant business success as a result.

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Entrepreneurs are stubborn…almost by default. It’s what makes them push forward in the hardest of times. But…if you’re not doing the right things right you might just be hammering a square peg through a round hole. Which will only add to that frustrated feeling you’re already having. So why not stop being so stubborn for a moment, stop hammering away on that what obviously is not working and ask for help?

No matter who you ask – a business mentor or coach, a befriended entrepreneur – someone with a neutral perspective on you and our business will be very likely to see what’s going on with a lot more clarity than you can and can guide you to a place that will feel a whole lot more comfortable.

6. Stop Being Afraid Of Failure

I know, I know, you’ve heard this a million times before and you wouldn’t be in this pickle if you could do this. Right? I’m right there with ya!

But, if you get really rational about it, what’s the worst that could happen?

  • You might have to get a ‘real’ job for a while and start over on the side;
  • You might not be able to afford your rent anymore…but with Airbnb on the 1 hand and couchsurfing on the other, you should be able to work it out somehow;
  • You’ll have all the more experience to start over a whole lot faster;
  • You’ll be no less respected by anyone because it’s clear you gave it your all;
  • In a few years, when you’re an established and supersuccessful entrepreneur you’ll also have a cool failure story to tell;
  • None of your limbs will fall off;

Now that’s not too bad for a plan B is it? Failure is such a negative word. And the associated feeling is terrible and numbing. But really…how is giving it your all and not succeeding really the same as failing? Shouldn’t the definition of failure not be along the lines of ‘not even trying’ or ‘giving up when it gets hard’?

In other words: stop beating yourself up over this!

There’s really no need to feel like a failure at all because you’re sticking your neck out, you’re trying to make a difference and you’re still moving upward on that treacherous entrepreneurial mountain.

And that…is what success REALLY is.

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Quotes To Live By:

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

“If you don’t try at anything, you can’t fail… it takes back bone to lead the life you want” – Richard Yates

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison

“We are all failures – at least the best of us are.” – J.M. Barrie

“Success is stumbling form failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm” – Winston Churchill

“Don’t let success go to your head and failure to your heart” – Will Smith

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