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2 Ways to Stop Your Negative Thoughts From Sucking the Life Out of You

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One of the greatest powers we have is the ability to have thoughts. Yes, sometimes those thoughts become negative or detrimental and they don’t serve us, but sometimes those thoughts are empowering and can take us anywhere. But have you ever asked yourself where your thoughts come from?

Most of our thoughts are self-created; in other words, they come from us. We can learn something or hear something or see something, but everything that happens after that is created by you. Why that’s so important to understand is because your thoughts are your greatest superpowers, and you have the ability to make them your trusted advisors instead of your biggest critics.

If you are the author of most of your thoughts, that gives you the power to create ones that serve you…if you choose to. Thoughts are choices, and the choices we make determine how we feel, how we sound, what we pursue in life, what we don’t pursue in life, whether we’re healthy, whether we’re not healthy, and whether we give certain things a try or never try them. 

Those choices are the key ingredients to our self-confidence, our self-esteem, and our self-worth. Other people don’t create any of those things for us. Ever! We create it all, and if your life isn’t where you would like it to be, you can begin making it different by using that superpower in ways that serve you.

Start with self-awareness

Example #1:

Do you have thoughts in your head that are contrary to what people have told you over the years? For example, maybe you’re a good artist and people have told you over the years you’re a really good painter or that you draw so well. But when they say, “You’re a really good artist,” your response is always, “Really? You think so?” or “No, I’m not that good.”

What you’re thinking or choosing to believe is the exact opposite of what everyone else is telling you. That’s a problem. If you hear multiple people telling you that you are good at something (especially when they don’t have to), begin to believe them instead of your dismissive thoughts.

Example #2:

Do you have thoughts in your head about something someone said to you one time, years ago, that you’ve spent the last several years telling yourself over and over and over? For example, maybe you were at a business event and you tripped and a coworker said, “You’re such a klutz.” From that day forward, you became extra super careful because you were so embarrassed by tripping that you took on that one thing that one coworker said in a moment when maybe it was true for a second, but you’ve been so careful and cautious since because you constantly are reminding yourself, “Don’t be a  klutz. Don’t fall down or trip. Don’t embarrass yourself.”

It was a one-time event that you could have laughed off in the moment and said, “Yep, the gravity is really strong right there!” Chances are, it would have been forgotten by all as soon as the conversation went to the next topic. Instead, it was a choice to take on the identity of a klutz for years after the event, and that has continued to affect your behavior, making you uncomfortable in business situations.

“Your beliefs, either positive or negative, helpful or hurtful, largely determine everything you do and how you do it.” – Brian Tracy

The first step to using this superpower is to take out your head-trash

Sit down and do a thought inventory. Just like you would do in a warehouse full of crap, it’s time to declutter your thoughts. Beginning today, really start paying attention to your thoughts. Which ones are reoccurring? Write them down and make a list. As you start to notice the thoughts that come into your head regularly, ask yourself, “Where did those thoughts come from?”

As you discover thoughts during your excavation that are completely made up and have zero validity, purge them. How do you do that? Use these two tools:

Tool #1 – Acknowledge it’s not real.

Say to yourself out loud, “That’s a ridiculous thought, because it’s not true!”

Simply acknowledge to yourself that it’s not real; it’s completely made up and a lie. Remind yourself that the reason you have that thought over and over is because you’ve created a habit. The more you say to yourself, “That’s not true,” when the thought pops up, the quicker it fades away because you’ve replaced it with something that stops it in its tracks.

Tool #2 – Practice more positive self-talk.

That doesn’t mean you have to get all Pollyanna about your life, but rather to become more balanced with your thoughts. Chances are, if you’re a negative self-talker or a negative thinker, you never give yourself the whole story; you only give yourself half the story. I call this the ‘partly cloudy, partly sunny approach.’ When a weather forecaster says it’s going to be partly cloudy, she is also saying it’s going to be partly sunny because, in order for one or the other to happen, both have to be present! If you’re a pessimist or a negative thinker, you will always be looking at the partly cloudy side of everything (“yeah, but…”) and you will miss the fact that it’s also partly sunny.

People who are extreme positive thinkers have the same problem, as they only choose to see everything as partly sunny and miss the partly cloudy, which sometimes includes challenges that need to be faced. But negative thinking is often more detrimental than positive thinking is, so we’ll stick to the topic at hand. You’re allowed to continue choosing to look at partly cloudy, however get in the habit of also seeing the partly sunny side. If you only have half the story, you don’t have the story.

This simply means that every time you complain about something or think ‘that can’t happen,’ flip to the other side and see the whole picture by thinking, ‘If it could happen, what would that look like?’ or ‘Maybe it can’t, but maybe it can.’ Give yourself a chance to see the possibilities or the other side of the negative thought you’re having, because it’s always there! There’s always another side. Using this tool will help you to get out of the negative-thinking hole a lot faster.

You are the author of your thoughts.

Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you have to listen to it or believe it. Which ones you choose to listen to and believe is your choice. As the author of your thoughts, you can make choices as to which ones you’re going to keep and which you’re going to edit out. Listening to too many negative, made up, or untrue thoughts will never give you a positive outcome in your life. However, by getting in the habit of seeing both sides, and choosing which thoughts are keepers and which are head-trash, is up to you and will change your life.

Robin Sacks teaches smart people how to shift their self-talk, body language, and mental attention, so that they show-up in a more powerful, confident, and effective way, no matter what the situation or who is in the room. Professionally, she is an award-winning journalist, award-winning author, professional speaker and confidence coach. Personally, she's a mom, wife, and friend. Robin has facilitated personal and professional development programs focused on Public Speaking, Executive Presence, and Self-Confidence internationally for companies including Microsoft, Panera, and American Greetings. Her own professional experience includes being an on-air talent for NBC and ABC network affiliates, during which time she trained Emmy award nominees and an Emmy award winner. Robin's coaching clients range from young athletes to Fortune 500 Executives. Get inspired anytime at https://www.robinjsacks.com. If you're ready to jump right in, check out her online course, Owning Your Confidence.

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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