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How to Recalibrate Your Relationship With Yourself

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We are not given a blue-print for life. No rule book is alphabetically arranged that say for Fear turn to page 27 and for Anxiety page 57. There is only performance without rehearsals. We act, react and respond on the spot. Mostly, this is a factor of how we are feeling ‘in’ the moment which in turn depends on the type of thoughts that run in our mind throughout the day.

And to be fair to ourselves, even if we get out of bed anxious & stressed, we never consciously say to ourselves that “I choose to not be my best self today’. We relentlessly try to make the next thing better. Whilst there is no one-size-fits-all type of answers, we can all support each other with thoughts and ideas that help us get through the day.

I am sharing 5 bite-sized strategies you can deploy to centre back whenever you feel anxious or you feel determined to have a better day.

1. Self-talk to get you off the ledge

Words and conversations should leave us in a better place from where we started. We may not always see the merit in the words immediately and that is fine so long as they positively contribute. But if a conversation leaves us feeling negative & cynical about ourselves, that is a big sign that something is wrong. Most often it’s our inner critic on a rampage telling us how we are not good enough, not smart enough, not witty enough & so on. 

Be very choosy about what you tell yourself. In transforming and calibrating your relationship with yourself, it is very important to see how your self-talk leaves you feeling. Better or not is usually a good question to ask?

Its job is to get you off the ledge and assure you that you are enough and the little you did today was also enough for today. If your self-talk doesn’t get you off the ledge and into a better place, you need to befriend your inner-critic and maybe even invite it for a cuppa.

“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.” – Robert Holden

2. Baking kindness into your day

An act of kindness does wonders for us by reducing stress and enhancing mental health. Here are some ways you can explore. A small online delivery for someone that you know will lift their mood. A thoughtful birthday present as opposed to a last-minute scrambling. It could be ‘time’ that you give to a friend or a parent. Greeting a stranger when you go for your walk. Buying the till-operator a candy bar as you check out with your trolley. 

The only catch is to consciously plan and then do. So if you tell yourself when you wake up, that no matter how crappy I am feeling, I still choose to lift someone’s spirit today, and then you go ahead and do it. Studies have shown how Altruism translated into small acts of kindness are good for our health. I also believe that happiness generated by kindness also gives us good skin. Just remember to be deliberate about baking kindness and not use hindsight to recount what you did.

3. Your body keeps a score

We have all heard platitudes tell us to take care of our body because this is the only body we have. But here is my case to amplify this fact so we can sit up & take notice. There are no chronic conditions, there are only acute symptoms. When the symptoms go unattended, the condition becomes chronic. I remember a physiotherapist called a crick in my neck a chronic condition because I had been living with it for over 6 months and was adjusting to not being able to fully turn my neck on one side. 

I was quite shocked, I must admit, to be told I had a chronic condition, because I do not identify myself as someone who lets things linger. But there I was having to accept a bitter message from someone who was more qualified than me on the subject. I got back wanting to ‘fix’ it but turned out I had to ‘nurse’ it gradually. There are no instant fixes for cricks in the neck. Symptoms are our messengers, welcome them and engage with them so we can hear what they are telling us.

4. Make happiness as deep as your faith

Faith not in the religious sense but the kind of seriousness, focus and intention we exercise when we are looking for misplaced keys. We have all been there. That’s the moment all our attention and energy lines up perfectly to one goal – finding the damn keys. I urge you to find happiness with the same focus in your everyday life.

We all have so many reasons to fold our arms and despair. We hope that one day we will be happy. Happiness is a topic that lights up a janitor, an astronaut and a barista in equal measure. I like to use the word ‘Faith’ because it helps us to loosen the grip of unhappy and negative thoughts in our mind. It nudges us into positive action. And every day presents us with numerous opportunities.

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” – Steve Maraboli

5. How often to use I Don’t know

We live in a culture where having an opinion is important. You stand the risk of being the odd-one out if you say I don’t have an opinion on this. Offering an opinion is a survival need. But here’s the funny thing, we don’t know a thing about any of the important things in life.

We know nothing about death, sickness or loss. The best doctors in the world can explain how a human heart operates but they can’t tell us why it functions that way. So, using IDK keeps our childlike curiosity alive. It leads us to the next discovery and the next micro-accomplishment. IDK is the source of all the new recipes you tried and new friendships you made. The taste in music and wine you acquired over the years, it all started with a humble I don’t know!

You see, it is so important to be deliberate about things we allow into our 16 hours (sleep time excluded), so we can show up in the best possible way to whatever is in front of us because it will forever become what we have done. Unchangeable. And what we have done over many days becomes our Life.

Pallavi Sidhra is a Cancer Survivor. She identified herself not as an expert at anything but a Mindfulness Junkie and a Consciousness explorer. She believes that the quality of our life depends on two things – How we treat ourselves and how we break away from our default thinking patterns to rewrite our story. When you don’t see her gulping oxygen or in a yogic posture you will see her immersed in conveying scarps of wisdom about life, health and wellbeing. She channels her thoughts at her website www.magiclieswithin.com and selflessly dishes out strategies for Positive Wellbeing on Instagram and Facebook.

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Life

How to Find the Courage to Start New

Change is scary, but it’s a normal part of life.

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It’s 2023, a new year, new you, right? But how do we start over? How do we make the changes in our lives that we crave so much to see?  (more…)

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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Life

3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Courage and Create a Life of Meaning

we cultivate meaning in our lives when we pursue our calling

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