Life
How to Instantly Heighten Your Influence Through Effective Communication

As a practitioner and coach of NLP, I regularly experience people reaching out to me to work through a problem. While these issues range anywhere from a relational vendetta to a self-discovery impasse, roughly 90 percent of these hang-ups are centered around ineffective communication.
Now, I in no way claim to be an expert in this department. In fact, the more I dissect what I know to be true about communication, the more I realize I’m aloof to most of it. However, amongst the sea of pain and heartache, some common themes arose from the language and perceptions being opted for. These patterns clearly weren’t doing anyone any favors in the arenas of connection and influence and moreover, created a vague feeling of —and I use this term loosely — helplessness.
This isn’t exactly a surprise, as sharing and receiving ideas isn’t exactly our strong suit. Social issues, divorces, and violence can all be traced back to some type of breakdown in communication. Much of the world succumbs to a baseline of ineffective dialogue and we need an effective solution.
After just about every meaningful relationship in my life bit the dust, I woke up to a few painstakingly common denominators that were consistently tarnishing the effect I was having on people. Have a peek behind the curtain.
Here are four critical communication distinctions that will make an immediate impact with the people in your life:
1. Resist the urge to say “you”
Because of our overwhelming desire to be right — and therefore protected — we love sharing where the other person failed to meet our expectations. It’s common practice to pepper the phrases “you did this” or “you said that” throughout our explanation, as we want to reinforce how the other person made us feel.
This gets us absolutely nowhere and transforms the pre-existing chain-link fence into castle walls. By renouncing the use of “you”, the person’s nerves are calmed as the spotlight has been taken off of them—dissipating the feeling of being put on trial. The entire experience is now under consideration and they can sense you’ll be a little more objective in your drawing of conclusions.
“Communication- the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.” – Paul J. Meyer
2. Use “what” instead of “why”
Questions can be the most powerful gateway to understanding what’s happening in another person’s world. However, we often jump the gun when it comes to dealing with communication breakdowns.
“Why” possesses far too much depth as an inquiry, often careening someone off an emotional cliff. It pierces the conscious mind and it typically elicits a sharp comment or cutting remark in response, capping a lid on the potential for forward momentum in the conversation. Most people would prefer walking into the ocean, as opposed to being dropped into shark-infested waters.
“What” is much more of a surface-level inquisition. It treads lightly and doesn’t require the other person to dig as deep in their explanation. “Why” confronts the individual, while “what” confronts the situation.
3. Resist over-identifying with what’s being said
Expecting someone else to base their every move around your feelings is a recipe for disaster. No one has a complete picture of reality but our continual sole reliance on our own subjective view robs us of being quality contributors to others — most notably, in our closest relationships.
It’s the difference between the spouse who yells and screams at their partner for coming home late versus the one that greets their partner with genuine concern and worry for their well-being. One is a focus on the short-term (the emotions that arose from the situation), while the other is a response to the long-term and what’s most important (the health of the individual).
Taking the “all things considered” approach will do you far more good than simply concerning yourself with your own feelings. After all, they aren’t always valid. Stop yourself from the knee-jerk reactions whenever curveballs get thrown your way and instead, take a look at the score, the inning, how many outs, and the men on base— then you can take a swing.
“Communication must be HOT. That’s Honest, Open, and Two-way.” – Dan Oswald
4. Understand that how you perceive the conversation is entirely one-dimensional
Words, tone, and body language can play serious tricks on us sometimes. Consider that it’s impossible to know the truth within a conversation, as the “truth” is contingent upon whose point of view you’re basing it off of.
When communication reaches a stopping point, it’s usually a result of neither party being willing to waver on their indifferences. Attachment and pride get in the way in many areas of life and communication is no exception. To truly understand another person and appreciate where they’re coming from, you must give up your point of view.
It allows you to be a clear space for their ideas and input—free from judgment or cynicism. You can literally create freedom for another human being simply by opting to remain stoic and allow them to try on their own opinion, instead of having to force it down someone else’s combative throat.
This doesn’t mean you agree with them or validate what they’re saying. It’s simply a matter of making an impact— people will not move for someone they don’t feel heard by. Giving up your position not only allows room to understand another person, it creates freedom to roam the meadow of new ideas. It shows you that you’re okay despite temporarily being of no position or stance.
Our ego thinks we can’t survive without a strong opinion etched firmly within our psyche. It’s up to you to show yourself that you don’t have to be held hostage to that opinion— for you can let go of it at any moment in lieu of what really makes the difference for people.
Life
What the Army Taught Me About Letting Go of Who I Thought I Was
It would become my first real teacher in the art of transformation

Everything is Changing, All the Time
What I thought I was and would continue to be disappeared in a single sentence: “You’re unfit for duty.” (more…)
Life
How to Stop the War in Your Head and Find Peace
When you argue in your head, you poison your mind and waste your precious time
Life
Imposter Syndrome Is Rooted in Your Past But Here’s How You Can Rewire It
Imposter syndrome is most prevalent in highly successful women

Imposter syndrome is “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.” (more…)
Life
The Surprising Mental Health Tool You Probably Haven’t Tried
Through journaling, I arrived at a more balanced perspective, it reinstated my sense of gratitude and led me to accept my disability

In two particularly difficult times in my adult life, my journaling practice is helping me heal emotionally. It has been a vital tool for helping me see the bigger picture and land in a place of gratitude. (more…)
-
Life5 days ago
How to Stop the War in Your Head and Find Peace
-
Scale Your Business4 weeks ago
This Is How Successful Entrepreneurs Manage Their Time Differently
-
Change Your Mindset4 weeks ago
The Leadership Skill Nobody Talks About (But Changes Everything)
-
Change Your Mindset3 weeks ago
Peter Drucker’s Life Lessons Every Leader Needs to Hear
-
Explode Your Social Media4 weeks ago
Want More Views? Master These 6 YouTube Growth Tactics
-
Did You Know3 weeks ago
This One Proxy Mistake Could Be Slowing Down Your Entire Operation
-
Success Advice3 weeks ago
The 70-Year-Old Management Strategy That’s More Relevant Than Ever
-
Success Advice2 weeks ago
The Modern Blueprint for Success: Mastery, Purpose, and High-Income Skills
1 Comment