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Here’s What Most People Are Getting Wrong About Positivity

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What if I told you being positive is a big waste of time? Would that be crazy? Well, trust me, It’s not. And that’s because 90% of people use positivity completely wrong. And going further, it can lead to feelings of inauthenticity and low-grade motivation at best. But there’s a way to fix this. And I guarantee that when positivity is done this way, it can be a powerful source of motivation that reinforces your confidence and pride in the process.

How Everybody Gets Positivity Wrong

You’ve seen generic motivational phrases before. You know, phrases like:

  • You can do it!
  • Anything’s possible!
  • Just believe!

And so on, and so on. But if you’re anything like me, saying these phrases feels completely inauthentic and even a bit icky. Why is that? Because they’re not based on reality. More specifically – they’re not based on my reality. What I’m getting at is the fact that these phrases have absolutely nothing to do with my experiences, personality, or how I usually succeed in life. They’re simply canned statements that anybody can shout. And it’s impossible to ignore this fact.

“Positivity always wins. Always.” – Gary Vaynerchuk

The Key To Making Positivity Work

You’d be a fool to completely dismiss positivity altogether. You just got to know how to make it work in an effective and genuine way. And there’s an easy way to do that. The secret is simply making your motivational phrases positive and objective

The first part is obvious. Just make sure it actually feels like a motivational phrase. But objective? What does that mean? Let me first share where I learned about this technique.

There’s a sports psychologist named Dr. Jon Fader. He wrote a book called “Life As Sport,” and he talks about this technique called “Objective Optimism.” And he specifically points out that this method has been used successfully on many of his outstanding athletic clients.

(And bear in mind, results are everything in sports. There’s no space for fluffy positivity that “might” be helpful)

In fact, there’s an Israeli former welterweight boxing champion that uses this technique as well. His name is Yuri Foreman. And he repeats certain mantras in his head during a match to keep his focus and motivation strong and steady. Based on his list, it’s clear that everything he tells himself is a reminder that he’s earned his place in the ring. Here’s a few things he repeats:

  • “I’ve trained hard.”
  • “I’ve done all the work.”
  • “I’m ready.”

Now, here’s how you can use this – think of where you’ve already succeeded in life, or where your performance is best. It can be a big or small success. Or even a reliable characteristic you have.

For example:

  • Consistently going to the gym
  • Getting a good job
  • Mastering an instrument
  • Staying calm when it matters
  • Being an effective planner

Really, there’s no “too low” threshold here – every win, proven skill, and achievement counts. And once you’ve determined a few of these, just choose the most relevant one to your current goal and then turn that “win” into a motivational phrase you can use when you need it. All of a sudden, what was once a generic statement is now an evidence-based tool for motivation.

Here’s a couple of examples:

  • “They chose me.” (If you’re feeling underqualified for a promotion, just remember they chose you for a reason – your skills and potential are real)
  • “My calm creates power.” (If your major skill is remaining calm, use this phrase when you need to take control of haywire situations and settle things down)
  • “Just another rep.” (I use this when I’m feeling resistance in the gym. It’s a reminder that I’ve already done thousands of reps before – so what’s one more?)
  • “I’ve put in the work.” (Like with Yuri Foreman, if you’ve put in the training for something, don’t let that fact slip your mind when it matters. Use this phrase to put things in perspective)

As you can see, it’s much more powerful when your motivations are born from real-life experience. They carry a weight that has immediate and long term impact on your ability to get things done. And the best part is they’re custom-tailored to you as an individual – nobody else can use it but you.

“believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to success.” – Charles F. Glassman

Your “Mantra” For Success And Motivation

These statements are kind of like using NOS in a car – when you feel yourself losing speed or meeting resistance to the task at hand, you bust it out to gain speed and momentum again. But if you use low-grade NOS instead (aka fluff positivity), don’t expect to get much mileage out of it. Instead, focus on using your evidence-based motivational phrase – aptly named by Dr. Jon Fader, the “Mantra.”

And most likely, you’ll feel motivated, authentic, and even proud because your phrase reminds you of the fact that you have wins in your life already. And now, it’s being used to fuel even more wins.So don’t wait to make your mantra and use it to gain even more success today.

Ericson Ay Mires here, and if you’d like to see more motivation advice like this, you owe it to yourself to download the first chapter of my ebook, “Motivation Instinct,” for free - it shows you why typical advice like “just be positive” and “visualize your success” doesn’t work for the average person… and the “dangerous” motivation method I use to create instant, long-lasting motivation to achieve all my goals instead.

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Life

Failing is More Important Than Succeeding

Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures.

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People often consider failure a stigma.  Society often doesn’t respect the people who failed and avoids and criticizes their actions. Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures. Not to have endeavored is worse than failing in life as at some stage of your life you regret not having tried in your life.  (more…)

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5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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Life

3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Courage and Create a Life of Meaning

we cultivate meaning in our lives when we pursue our calling

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Our deepest human desire is to cultivate meaning in our lives. Our deepest human need is to survive. (more…)

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Life

Grit: The Key to Your Ultimate Greatness

Grit is an overlooked aspect of success, but it plays a critical role.

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A grit mindset is an essential key to your greatness. It’s what separates those who achieve their goals from those who give up and never reach their potential. It’s also the difference between success and failure, happiness and misery. If you want to be great and achieve your dreams, then you need grit. Luckily, it’s something that can be learned. Please keep reading to learn more about grit and discover four ways to develop it. (more…)

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