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​​Don’t Ask for Permission or Forgiveness. Do This Instead

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“Ask for forgiveness, not permission.”

It’s an old adage that can be a tad controversial, but more importantly—neither is going to get you what you want. Plus this saying inherently means that people are going to be upset, and you’re going to have to deal with that. Not so fun.

In the game of entrepreneurship and personal growth, it’s vital that you know the key things that will help you grow and the ones that will hinder your growth. Giving your power away to someone else—that’s not going to cut it. Neither will thinking subconsciously that people (especially your inner circle) will be mad at you for making the right decision for yourself.

Subtle but important

Growing up, we ask our parents, our teachers, and other adult figures in our lives for all kinds of permission—to go to the zoo, to cross the street, even to go to the bathroom. In the United States, we’re not even allowed to regulate our own bodies until we go off to college in most academic settings. But that mentality doesn’t just go away because you turn 18, get a job, or enroll in college. 

The truth is that we seek permission in all kinds of ways throughout the day, undermining our own authority, values, and voices. So it stands to reason that we would subconsciously seek permission as we grow our businesses or make major life decisions. 

The subconscious believes that if we get permission, then we can move forward with less resistance and more support. The downside is twofold. When you ask permission, you’re not honoring what’s right and true for you. Yes, the interest is nice and it’s really fun to watch the people you love get excited about your idea. But being able to validate your own ideas and decisions first is key in developing your circle of support and owning your innate value.

“Your support network is the solid ground from which you can propel yourself upwards.” – Anna Barnes

What to do instead

Instead of asking for permission or forgiveness, we ask for support. We all want to be supported, especially if our ideas feel big, hard, or out of reach. In order to receive the support that you want, you have to be intentional and clear about asking for it. 

This means stating what are going to do and the decisions that we’ve made with an air of, “If you want to support me in this, I would love that because I want as much support as possible,” mixed with the attitude of, “If you want to support me in this, that’s great. Thank you! But if you don’t, that’s okay, too.” 

Releasing people from the need to support you is important for two reasons. The first is in practicing being genuinely okay with others not supporting you, you release people from this sense of obligation to be okay with everything that you do. The second is that you’re making the decision about what you’re going to do long before you ask for support. 

Their decision about whether or not to support your idea is not going to change your decision about whether or not to do it. 

Counsel vs. Support

Seeking counsel and seeking support are two different things, and you have to know which one you’re looking for. If you’re seeking counsel, then you haven’t made the decision yet, and you should only be speaking with someone you believe can help you make the right decision for yourself (not make it for you). It’s important to seek out someone who has the perspective and ability to ask you the right questions in order for you to come to the right conclusions for yourself. Once you’ve made your decision, then you’re seeking support.

If you’re seeking support, then you need to be consciously asking for support for the decision that you’ve made. Statements like, “Hey! I’ve made the decision to do something, and I’d love your support on it. If you don’t feel like you can support me on this, that’s okay.” Even better if you can ask them for specific support. Once you have the other person’s agreement, you’re able to move forward with the conversation. 

However, if the other person isn’t willing to support you, let it go. Because you’re not making your decision based on the support of others, you can put boundaries in place for your communication—both protecting you and honoring their choice. Once someone has made it clear that they’re not comfortable supporting you, don’t waste energy trying to convince them. Instead, revel in the people who are excited to support you and move forward with confidence knowing that you have a circle of people who have your back.

Bevin Farrand is a business strategist, coach, and founder of the Take the DAMN Chance movement, using her over 15 years of experience in personal development, psychology, and communication to support small businesses and entrepreneurs to develop and execute strategies to take their revenue to 6- and 7-figures. Her superpower is helping people bring their big, bold, crazy dreams to life. In 2019, after unexpectedly losing her husband 5 days after they returned from a whirlwind trip to France, Bevin Farrand founded the Take the DAMN Chance movement. Her DAMN framework has inspired hundreds to connect with the people that they love, do the “crazy thing” that makes all the difference and, when given a choice, to take the damn chance. Bevin's genius and insights have been seen on NBC, the Online Marketing Made Easy Podcast, Lessons from a Quitter, and more.

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Life

Failing is More Important Than Succeeding

Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures.

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People often consider failure a stigma.  Society often doesn’t respect the people who failed and avoids and criticizes their actions. Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures. Not to have endeavored is worse than failing in life as at some stage of your life you regret not having tried in your life.  (more…)

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Life

5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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Life

3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Courage and Create a Life of Meaning

we cultivate meaning in our lives when we pursue our calling

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Our deepest human desire is to cultivate meaning in our lives. Our deepest human need is to survive. (more…)

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Life

Grit: The Key to Your Ultimate Greatness

Grit is an overlooked aspect of success, but it plays a critical role.

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A grit mindset is an essential key to your greatness. It’s what separates those who achieve their goals from those who give up and never reach their potential. It’s also the difference between success and failure, happiness and misery. If you want to be great and achieve your dreams, then you need grit. Luckily, it’s something that can be learned. Please keep reading to learn more about grit and discover four ways to develop it. (more…)

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