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7 Things You Need to Look Out for When Trying to Experience Happiness

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happiness

Peak experiences. We all get excited about fulfilling our current craving be it planning a trip, being invited to a special party, finding the perfect shoe to wear or having our latest crush call for a date. This is not shallow. It’s fun and I’m all in. I love it all, but I am here to tell you true happiness is not about hitting the peak now and then.

It’s about maintaining the life’s peak experiences. Momentary fulfillment is fun but it is situational happiness. If this, then that. How do you feel when nothing special is happening? I’d like to address a happiness that lasts a lifetime. A default state of happiness and appreciation when it seems like nothing is happening.

You could say that what exists between peak experiences is the gap. How do we all feel about the gap? Dull? Uncertain? This is where true happiness is experienced. You could call it ease and peace and joy on a low simmer.

Happiness, like a bicep, needs to be worked on and once you have developed the strength of consistent well-being, it takes little effort to keep it strong. Without working on it, your happiness will be as flaccid as the muscles you don’t tend to. Sometimes it is easier to get at happiness by looking at what corrodes it.

Below are 7 things you need to look out for because of their ability to sabotage your happiness:

1. Our Emotions

Even though they appear to come out of nowhere, they don’t. We allow ourselves or others to stir them up inside of us until they take over our mood and, eventually, our life. If we don’t learn how to control our thoughts, our emotions will run over us and our dreams. Happiness is not an emotion, it is our home base only with lots of clutter on top of it.

Antidote: The clutter is our thoughts. Happiness demands we see things clearly.  Emotions are more like a cloudy cup we drink from. Thought precedes emotion. Learn to control your thoughts and the emotions will no longer run the show.

2. A Default Identity

We construct our world through what we say to ourselves and what we choose to accept from what others say to us. Untamed, our minds are reckless, random, and reactive. It doesn’t occur to us that we have control over our thoughts because we assume they are all true.

Even our beliefs are just thoughts we either never examined or thoughts we keep thinking. Yet one day, we choose to exercise control instead of reacting and find we do indeed have choice. Choosing happiness is equivalent to being free.

Antidote: Emotions come from thoughts and we can learn to control our thoughts. That is the happiness muscle at work. Off with the negative weight.

“Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. There’s going to be stress in life, but it’s your choice whether you let it affect you or not.” – Valerie Bertinelli

3. Living Conditionally

Much of our day to day happiness relies upon other people acting a certain way and conditions being “perfect” in the world according to us. Since we can’t control others, we should drop the “shoulds” and embrace the “coulds.” What could be? The mood of your life is at stake here.

Antidote: To get the shoes, or the Rolex, or the house on the hill is a short-term thrill. The shoes will get scuffed and out of date, the Rolex may get stolen, and maintaining the unreliable notion of perfection will make you uptight. Happiness lives between your ears. To live unconditionally is to choose happiness over your “shoulds” and other people’s opinions and actions.

4. Being In Control

That you can exercise control over others is a myth. Even if they seem to go along on the outside, you don’t have control over their thoughts and feelings. You’ve got to give up trying to control other people. They are not animals to be tamed.

The only control I recommend is taking control of your thoughts and therefore, your perspective. We try to control people out of our own insecurity. Insecurity is also a thought. Control is too small a pen to play in.

Antidote: Catch yourself when you want to exert control over another. No one has successfully changed anyone else. Don’t threaten or pout when things don’t go your way. When you take responsibility for your mood, life will be sweet.

5. Judging

It is not possible to be happy when you are judging yourself or another. Happiness requires equilibrium. Judging keeps you off balance. It is a signal of seeing yourself or another as superior or inferior.

Judging is the product of a foolish ego who likes a short lived win until the next “challenge” to itself comes along. Happiness doesn’t come from comparison any more than it comes from being taller or shorter than someone.

Antidote: Change the thought. Silently wish them (or you) well and compliment them in your mind and move on.

“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.” – Wayne Dyer

6. Complaining

Most of us regurgitate the same complaints to our friends, therapists, and bartender. Our lives seem to revolve around a few complaints. Think of it this way: Inside every complaint is a request. The complaint is asking you what you really want? Focus on the positive action or your complaints may come to define you.

Antidote: Get up and get out. Put your attention on creating something new. You can’t have a fulfilling life through an unfulfilled journey.

7. Being Right

This certainly is the booby prize and a lonely place. The ego loves little wins, acknowledgement from others, but there is generally little peace to be had in such an interaction. I would love to convince my husband of the value of a certain program I listen to. He wants none of it. While I would love to share it with him and see him grow from it, he has said “no.” I respect that. What’s “right” for me may not appeal to you.

Antidote: Allow things to be this way and that way. They usually are. No one is in this world to live up to your expectations, and for sure, you won’t live up to theirs!

There is no gym for happiness outside of you. By divesting yourself of the automatic reactions you have to things, you will come to realize that a change in attitude, moving a few thoughts around is all that is required. Only by exploring what is driving the negative into our lives, dropping the drama, the funk, and beliefs that don’t serve us will we free ourselves to be filled with joy.

Joy is the outcome of the happiness muscle workout. Flex that muscle wherever you go. It’s stunning and contagious.  

Which one of the above 7 things do you need to work on most in order to enjoy a more fulfilling and happy life? Let us know below!

Known throughout her career as the happiness expert, Nanci Sherman was raised in New York City and earned a B.S in Journalism and Communications at the University of Colorado, Boulder. Nanci revolutionized the industry and consulted on leadership and motivation on three continents. Nanci raises the bar on happiness. Her personal quest has been "How do I live an extraordinary life?" Nanci studied with some of the greatest experts in the field of self-development and personal growth. She synthesized their teachings, expanded upon them, and translated this into her work success and life. You could say she is “terminally” happy and wants to pass that recipe for joy onto you. You will find her enthusiasm to be infectious, and her insights to be profound. She is a Happiness and Leadership Coach, Hotel Revolutionary and an established Author.

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Life

How Learning the Skill of Hope Can Change Everything

Hope isn’t wishful thinking. It’s a state of being and a skill that has profound evidence of helping people achieve success in life

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Hope as a skill
Image Credit: Midjourney

Hope isn’t wishful thinking. It’s a state of being and a skill that has profound evidence of helping people achieve success in life.

Wishful thinking, on the other hand, is like having dreams in the sky without a ladder to climb, having a destination without a map, or trying to operate a jet-engine airplane without instructions. It sounds nice but is impossible to realize. You don’t have what you need to make it happen!

What Real Hope Is

Real hope is actionable, practical, and realistic. Better yet, it’s feasible and can be learned.

One popular approach is Hope Theory. This concept is used by colleges to study how hope impacts students’ academic performance. Researchers found that students with high levels of hope achieve better grades and are more likely to graduate compared to those with less hope.

Hope can be broken down into two components:

  1. Pathways – The “how to” of hope. This is where people think of and establish plans for achieving their goals.
  2. Agency – The “I can” of hope. This is the belief that the person can accomplish their goals.

Does Hope Really Work?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, hope as a noun is defined as: “desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.”

As humans, we are wired to crave fulfillment. We have the ability to envision it and, through hope, make it a reality.

My Experience with Hope

For 13 years, I was a hopeless human. During my time working at a luxury hotel as a front desk agent earning $11.42 per hour, I felt the sting of hopelessness the most.

The regret of feeling my time was being stolen from me lingered every time I clocked in. Eventually, I decided to do something about it.

I gave myself permission to hope for something better. I began establishing pathways to success and regained agency by learning from self-help books and seeking mentorship.

Because I took action toward something I desired, I now feel more hope and joy than I ever felt hopelessness. Hope changed me.

Hope Actually Improves Your Life

Wishful thinking doesn’t work, and false hope is equally ineffective. Real hope, however, is directly tied to success in all areas of life.

Studies show that hopeful people tend to:

  • Demonstrate better problem-solving skills
  • Cultivate healthier relationships
  • Maintain stronger motivation to achieve goals
  • Exhibit better work ethic
  • Have a positive outlook on life

These benefits can impact work life, family life, habit-building, mental health, physical health, and spiritual practice. Imagine how much better your life could be by applying real hope to all these areas.

How to Develop the Skill to Hope

As acclaimed French writer Jean Giono wrote in The Man Who Planted Trees:
“There are also times in life when a person has to rush off in pursuit of hopefulness.”

If you are at one of those times, here are ways to develop the skill to hope:

1. Dream Again

To cultivate hope, you need to believe in its possibility. Start by:

  • Reflecting on what you’re passionate about, your values, and what you want to achieve.
  • Writing your dreams down, sharing them with someone encouraging, or saying them out loud.
  • Creating a vision board to make your dreams feel more tangible.

Dreams are the foundation of hope—they give you something meaningful to aspire toward.

2. Create an Environment of Hope

  • Set Goals: Write down your goals and create a plan to achieve them.
  • Visualize Success: Use inspirational quotes, photos, or tools like dumbbells or canvases to remind yourself of your goals.
  • Build a Resource Library: Collect books, eBooks, or audiobooks about hope and success to inspire you.

An environment that fosters hope will keep you motivated, resilient, and focused.

3. Face the Challenges

Don’t avoid challenges—overcoming them builds confidence. Participating in challenging activities, like strategic games, can enhance your problem-solving skills and reinforce hope.

4. Commit to Wisdom

Seek wisdom from those who have achieved what you aspire to. Whether through books, blogs, or social media platforms, learn from their journeys. Wisdom provides the foundation for real, actionable hope.

5. Take Note of Small Wins

Reflecting on past victories can fuel your hope for the future. Ask yourself:

  • What challenges have I already overcome?
  • How did I feel when I succeeded?

By remembering those feelings of happiness, relief, or satisfaction, your brain will naturally adopt a more hopeful mindset.

Conclusion

Hope is more than wishful thinking—it’s a powerful skill that can transform your life. By dreaming again, creating a hopeful environment, facing challenges, seeking wisdom, and celebrating small wins, you can develop the real hope necessary for success in all aspects of life.

Let hope guide you toward a brighter, more fulfilling future.

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Life

The 5 Stages of a Quarter-Life Crisis & What You Can Do

A quarter-life crisis isn’t a sign you’ve lost your way; it’s a sign you’re fighting for a life that’s truly yours.

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what is a quarter life crisis
Image Credit: Midjourney

The quarter-life crisis is a well-defined set of stages—Trapped, Checking Out, Separation, Exploration, Rebuilding—one goes through in breaking free from feelings of meaninglessness, lack of fulfillment, and misalignment with purpose. I detail the stages and interweave my story below. (more…)

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Life

Here’s The Thing About Learning, Unlearning, and Relearning

Stop hoarding and start sharing your knowledge and wealth for the benefit of humankind

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sharing your knowledge
Image Credit: Midjourney

Few people have the habit of hoarding their wealth without spending.  However, it limits their motivation as they tend to get into their comfort zones.  When people start spending money, then there will be depletion in their coffers. (more…)

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Life

3 Steps That’ll Help You Take Back Control of Your Life Immediately

The key to finding “enough” is recognizing that the root of the problem is a question of self-esteem and deservedness

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How to build self worth
Image Credit: Midjourney

“It’s never enough.” (more…)

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