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5 Secret Essentials To Having A Confident Mindset

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Develop a confidence mindset

Being confident takes effort. It is a state of mind that fluctuates as we react to our circumstances, mood, physical health, and a whole host of unknown subconscious factors.

My life’s work is about understanding how to maintain this powerful mindset. Based on the theory that true ‘happiness’ is really about feeling self-confident, I have devised all sorts of ways to build and maintain high self-worth.

Here’s a few things to help you maintain yours.

 

UNDERSTAND THAT ‘victim’ is a mindset, nothing more, nothing less

As my coach Jacob Sokol says, you can either be a Victim or a Creator. The choice is always yours.

In working with offenders I quickly learned something fascinating: they do not choose victims at random. They are in fact attracted to victims. How can that be, when some people are victims for the first time?

Because being a Victim is not defined by having something bad happen to you. It’s about thinking of yourself as a victim. Here’s a fairly simple question that will determine whether you are a Victim or a Creator:

Do you believe life generally happens to you, or do you believe that you create your life?

Explore how you react to life. Do you see yourself surrounded by opportunities? Do you feel like you can handle whatever comes your way?

Or, do you see yourself as being the subject of luck and circumstance? Is it just a matter of ‘playing the hand you were dealt’?

Victims are powerless. If you want power, you need to stop being a victim. And nothing in your life will change that, you have to change it yourself.

Try living for a month by the motto “Everything that happens to me is for my benefit, and is my responsibility to manage” and see how you go.

 

Try to give rather than get

Most people try to get things out of life. This is the quickest way to push the things you want out of your reach. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger.

In order to “get”, you must give. And you must give fully, with no condition or expectation of reward. Try to think of life as deal in VALUE.

To receive value, you must first give it. Make giving value the goal of every interaction. When you are talking to someone, ask yourself “How I can give this person the opportunity to leave here better than when they came in?

This does NOT mean people-please. When you people-please, you are not giving, you are trying to get. Get liked. Get friends. Get approval. Get a reputation as the Nice Guy.

Giving is about ensuring that the person receives what they want, not what you want. Ask before you give help. Ask permission to serve others. Expect nothing in return.

You will be rewarded. This reward will not be what you think you want, but it will be what you actually need. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

 

Mindset Picture QUote
 

Doing it all by yourself is pointless

As a perfectionist people pleaser (what a mouthful), I used to try and do it all myself. And because I was hardworking and clever it worked OK… sort of.

Little did I know, I was missing out on amazing things because of my pride and inability to be vulnerable. I had to struggle and fight for every little bit of success, for every inch of progress.

Then one day I was promoted to Service Manager and was put in charge of a team of people for the first time. I quickly settled into my old pattern of doing it all myself, as well as trying to do everyone else’s work for them as well.

Not surprisingly, I completely burned out.

I decided to let go and start allowing others to support me. This is when I was subjected to another epiphany: teams are greater than the sum of their individual parts. 10 people collaborating can achieve things that 30 people working on individually would struggle to achieve.

And I didn’t miss out on anything. In fact, the more recognition and delegation I gave to the team, the better I felt. They loved me more as a leader when I allowed them to be in charge of the good stuff, rather than hogging it all to myself.

When I later became a full time coach I reverted back to my old ways, mostly because I was working alone. Then, when Michael Wells approached me to start Brojo, I opened up to the idea of collaboration again. Thank God I did that!

I suck at technical stuff, design and organising venues. I’m an artist, I like to create and perform. Michael was 10x better at all that stuff than me, and without him this thing might never have started.

Let go of your pride and let other people help you. You’re denying them pleasure by keeping it all to yourself. You’ll end up getting more out of it than you ever expected, and certainly more than you can do alone.

 

Slow the hell down

Mindfulness is now one of the most central concepts in my life.

I have learned that true bliss comes from being present, curious and aware of what is happening in real-time. There is a time and place for mentally drifting, such as getting creative or planning, but for the most part confidence comes from the simple joy of being present.

We are all so damn BUSY. We thrive on busyness as a coping mechanism to avoid boredom. People are busy from the moment they wake, all the way through the work day, until the moment they sleep. They go a million miles per hour and without even being aware of what they are doing.

People even have busy holidays. I once went on a one-month vacation tour of the USA for a leisure holiday, and most of our group were just on the go, all day every day. It was exhausting to watch them from the comfort of the lazy, unplanned holiday the rest of us were having.

You can do more with less. Rather than doing a billion things a day, do what’s important and do it well. Figure out what actually matters to your goals. Most stuff doesn’t, but we keep ourselves busy with crap to avoid the uncomfortable stuff that does matter.

Try this: no chores for a week. No internet social media scrolling. No socialising with people you don’t adore. Spend a week only doing the important uncomfortable things, and SLOWLY participate in life rather than rushing around.

Soak it all in – you only ever get to do anything once. Enjoy it.

 

Vulnerability Is Invincible

For too many years I hid everything negative about myself. My anger, my dislikes, my disagreements, and mostly, my weaknesses.

It was like dragging around a massive concrete ball. Constantly having to be hypersensitive to what I was saying and revealing. I treated conversations like defusing a bomb; with the utmost care and concern.

As I started building my confidence, I experimented with disclosure. I started slowly but tentatively revealing the darker aspects of myself. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The result shocked me.

None of the bad things I thought would happen actually came to fruition. Instead, I was met mostly with love, understanding and sympathy. People seemed to like me more when they learned about my weaknesses. They certainly appreciated the honesty and shamelessness.

When you are completely vulnerable, when there are no secrets left, you become invincible. No one can use your weaknesses against you, because it’s all out in the open. It’s like having someone trying to bluff you in poker when you can see their cards.

For some reason it really inspires others. You gain instant trust and affection from people when you open up. This does not mean complaining or unloading your trauma on them. It just means being honest when you don’t know what to do, when you doubt yourself, and when you have feelings of shame about your behaviour.

Just remember: everyone else has these problems too. If you can be bold enough to reveal it, you will help others find peace with their own darkness.

Dan is a lifestyle and success coach, with his own company The Inspirational Lifestyle Ltd. He lives in Auckland, New Zealand, and loves to share his advice and opinions on how to attain success. Make sure you checkout more of Dans articles at: TheInspirationalLifestyle.com

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Life

Failing is More Important Than Succeeding

Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures.

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People often consider failure a stigma.  Society often doesn’t respect the people who failed and avoids and criticizes their actions. Failure is an integral part of life as life is incomplete without failures. Not to have endeavored is worse than failing in life as at some stage of your life you regret not having tried in your life.  (more…)

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Life

5 Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

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Emotional Attachment Trauma

Trauma caused during specific stages of a child’s development, known as attachment trauma, can have lasting effects on a person’s sense of safety, security, predictability, and trust. This type of trauma is often the result of abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care from a primary caregiver.

Individuals who have not fully processed attachment trauma may display similar patterns of behavior and physical or psychological symptoms that negatively impact their adult lives, including the choices they make in relationships and business.

Unfortunately, many people may not even be aware that they are struggling with trauma. Research estimates that 6% of the population will experience PTSD in their lifetime, with a majority of males and females having experienced significant trauma.

Unresolved attachment trauma can significantly impair the overall quality of a person’s life, including their ability to form healthy relationships and make positive choices for themselves. One well-known effect of unhealed attachment trauma is the compulsion to repeat past wounds by unconsciously selecting romantic partners who trigger their developmental trauma.

However, there are other less recognized but equally detrimental signs of unprocessed developmental trauma.

 

Five possible indications of unresolved attachment trauma are:

 

1.  Unconscious Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a common pattern among individuals with unprocessed attachment trauma. This cycle often begins with hurting others, which is then followed by hurting oneself. It is also common for those with attachment trauma to have heightened emotional sensitivity, which can trigger this cycle.

This pattern can manifest in lashing out, shutting down, or impulsive behavior that leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Many people with attachment trauma are not aware of their wounds and operate on survival mode, unconsciously testing or challenging the emotional investment of those around them, and pushing them away out of self-preservation and fear of abandonment.

This can lead to a pattern of making poor choices for themselves based on impulsivity.

 

2. Persistent Pain

 
Chronic pain is a common symptom that can stem from early trauma. Studies have shown a connection between physical conditions such as fibromyalgia, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, chest pain, and chronic fatigue with the aftermath of chronic developmental trauma, particularly physical abuse.
 
Research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, have a higher incidence of somatic symptoms and a history of physical and emotional abuse in childhood compared to those with a secure attachment style.
 
 

3. Behaviors That Block Out Trauma

 
Trauma blocking practises are used to avoid the pain and memories connected with traumatic events.
 
Emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape via briefly pleasurable activities that distract from terrible memories or suffering are common examples. Unfortunately, this escape habit stops people from successfully processing and recovering from their trauma.
 
Furthermore, when the pain resurfaces, more and more diversions are necessary to continue ignoring it. This can be seen in compulsive behaviours such as drug or alcohol addiction, emotional eating, numbing oneself through relationships, workaholism, excessive or dangerous exercise routines, compulsive internet or technology use, or any other compulsive behaviour used to distract yoursef from intrusive thoughts and emotions.
 
These actions have the potential to prolong a cycle of avoidance and repression, preventing persons from healing and progressing.
 

4. A strong need for control

 
It’s understandable that some people may struggle with control issues in their adult lives, especially if they felt helpless or vulnerable during their childhood.
 
This can happen if someone had an overbearing caregiver who didn’t let them make their own choices, expected too much from them, or didn’t take care of them properly. As adults, they might try to control everything in their life to feel more in control and less anxious or scared. This might be because they didn’t feel like they had control over their life when they were a child.
 
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different and it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling with control issues.
 
 

5. Psychological Symptoms That Are Not Explained

 
Individuals with a history of developmental trauma may experience a range of psychological symptoms, including obsessive-compulsive behavior, intense mood swings, irritability, anger, depression, emotional numbing, or severe anxiety.
 
These symptoms can vary in intensity and may occur intermittently throughout the day. People with this type of trauma may attempt to “distract” themselves from these symptoms by denying or rationalizing them, or may resort to substance abuse or behavioral addictions as coping mechanisms. This can be a maladaptive way of trying to numb their symptoms.
 
 

What to do next if you’re suffering from emotional attachment trauma?

 
Everyone’s experience of healing from trauma is unique. It’s important to be aware of whether you have experienced childhood developmental trauma and how it may be affecting your relationships as an adult. Sometimes, the effects of trauma can be overwhelming and we may try to push them away or avoid them.
 
If you notice that you’re engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can support you on your healing journey. Remember, you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start healing.
 

There are several ways that people can work to overcome emotional attachment trauma:

  1. Therapy: One of the most effective ways to overcome emotional attachment trauma is through therapy. A therapist can help you process your experiences, understand the impact of your trauma on your life, and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms.
  2. Support groups: Joining a support group of people who have had similar experiences can be a great way to find validation, empathy, and a sense of community.
  3. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation, pilates, prayer time with God or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and develop a sense of spiritual connection and self-regulation.
  4. Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): This is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to help individuals process and recover from traumatic events.
  5. Building a safety net: Building a support system of people you trust, who are there for you when you need them, can help you feel more secure and safe in your life.

It’s important to remember that healing from emotional attachment trauma is a process and it may take time. It’s also important to find a therapist who is experienced in treating trauma, who you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you develop a personalized treatment plan.

 
 
If you desire to work with me on healing your wounds and unlocking the aspects of you that were never realized so you can achieve more success in your life then head over to awebliss.com and join my weekly LIVE online mentorship calls.
 
 
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Life

3 Simple Steps to Cultivate Courage and Create a Life of Meaning

we cultivate meaning in our lives when we pursue our calling

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Our deepest human desire is to cultivate meaning in our lives. Our deepest human need is to survive. (more…)

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Life

Grit: The Key to Your Ultimate Greatness

Grit is an overlooked aspect of success, but it plays a critical role.

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A grit mindset is an essential key to your greatness. It’s what separates those who achieve their goals from those who give up and never reach their potential. It’s also the difference between success and failure, happiness and misery. If you want to be great and achieve your dreams, then you need grit. Luckily, it’s something that can be learned. Please keep reading to learn more about grit and discover four ways to develop it. (more…)

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