Success Advice
How to Network When You’re Nervous and Hate Walking Up to Strangers
How to network when you’re nervous starts with accepting that the nerves are normal and planning around them instead of waiting for them to disappear. Go in with a small goal, like introducing yourself to two people, ask curious questions instead of trying to impress, and remember that the sweaty hands and shaky voice are far less obvious to everyone else than they feel to you. Then build your network in circles, so you’re not relying on one nerve-racking room to change your career.
This came up in my conversation with startup mentor Terence Mauri, a coach who works with ambitious leaders around the world. We’d been talking about how he ended up working with McLaren, the Formula 1 company, and his answer was simple: networking. Then we got onto why something we all did naturally as kids feels so hard as adults.
Funny thing is, Terence and I had a great example of it before we even started recording. We’d been speaking beforehand just to get to know each other, and we had this instant connection. I said I think we’re on the same wavelength. He agreed. That’s what a good introduction looks like. It’s not a pitch. It’s two people finding out they like each other.
Why networking feels harder as an adult
Here’s what I said to Terence, and it’s the whole problem in one picture. When we’re young, we’re kids in the playground, we go up and just introduce ourselves to random other kids, with no shame at all. From a young age we do it. It’s just as we grow older, it’s almost weird to go up and introduce yourself to someone.
Nothing about the skill changed. A kid in the playground doesn’t have better social skills than an adult at a conference. What changed is the story running in the background: what if they think I’m boring, what if I interrupt, what if I’ve got nothing to offer?
Terence put a name on it straight away. “It’s that self-imposter syndrome where you put everybody else on a pedestal and you allow that inner critic to sabotage” you, he said. The other person becomes more important, more successful and more interesting than you in your head, and suddenly saying hello feels like asking for a favor.
The good news is that the playground version of you hasn’t gone anywhere. The skill is still there under the self-consciousness. You don’t need to learn how to connect with people from scratch. You need to stop putting them on a pedestal long enough to say hello, ask a question and find out whether you’re on the same wavelength. Most of the time, the other person is quietly hoping someone will make the first move.
The sweaty hands and the Smurf voice
Terence didn’t pretend he was above it. He talked about the fear of speaking to others and said, “I know I’ve had it.” Then he described it perfectly: “It’s when your hands go sweaty, your knees shake, the pitch of your voice can go up and make you sound like a Smurf.” And hopefully, he added, all of it doesn’t happen at once.
I laughed and said that would just freak everyone out. But that moment matters, because it shows something people forget. Even someone who coaches ambitious leaders around the world gets the shaky voice. Nervous doesn’t mean you’re bad at this. It means you care about the outcome.
Terence also threw out a big number, that around 90% of people deal with this fear at some point. I couldn’t find a solid source for that figure, so I’m leaving it out. Here’s one that is solid. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 7.1% of U.S. adults had social anxiety disorder in the past year, and about 12.1% experience it at some point in their lives. That’s the clinical end of the scale. Everyday nerves at a networking event are far more common than that, and if your anxiety is stopping you from living your life, it’s worth talking to a professional.
Nobody notices your nerves as much as you do
There’s good research on why the sweaty hands feel so loud. Psychologists at Cornell, led by Thomas Gilovich, called it the spotlight effect: we consistently overestimate how much other people notice about us. In one well-known study, students wearing an embarrassing T-shirt into a room guessed that about half the people there noticed it. In reality it was closer to a quarter.
The same team also described the illusion of transparency, the feeling that your nerves are written all over your face when people mostly can’t see them. A related line of research on first conversations found something researchers called the liking gap: after talking with someone new, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them.
Put those together and the voice in your head is wrong on three counts. People notice your nerves less than you think, they can see them less than you think, and they probably liked you more than you think. The Smurf voice is mostly a private experience.
Build three circles of contacts, not one big room
This is where Terence’s framework helps nervous people the most. He calls it growing your posse, and he says everybody needs three kinds.
- A personal posse: your friends and family, the people closest to you, who give you emotional support.
- An operational posse: the people you work with day to day.
- A big ideas crowd: people you may not know personally but who should be on your radar, because they give you access to new information, new knowledge and new opportunity.
Why does this help if you’re nervous? Because it stops networking being one terrifying event. Your personal circle is already there. Your operational circle grows every time you do your job well and stay in touch. Only the third circle involves strangers, and even then, a lot of it can start with reading someone’s work, following them and sending a thoughtful message before you ever meet in a room.
Terence calls the result an intelligence network and says it’s “absolutely key.” It’s also, in his words, “relationship capital that we are in control of.” He thinks everybody should have a very clear plan to network intelligently and keep growing those ties around the world. “We’re all hardwired to connect,” he said.
I agreed with him on the spot. It’s like strength in numbers, right? Link with people, collaborate, and you become more powerful.
Start with warm introductions from people who already know you
If walking up to strangers is the hardest part, don’t start there. Your personal and operational circles are full of people who already trust you, and each of them knows people you don’t.
A warm introduction changes the whole feel of a first conversation. Instead of “who are you and why are you talking to me,” it starts with “a friend of ours said we should meet.” The pressure drops for both of you. Ask one person in your circle a week who they think you should know, and why. Be specific about what you’re working on, so they can picture the right person.
This is also where your nerves can work for you. Nervous people tend to prepare. They read up on the person, think about what they could offer and show up with real questions. That’s a better first impression than a confident person winging it with a business card.
Use the big ideas crowd before you meet in a room
Terence’s third circle, the big ideas crowd, is people who should be on your radar even if you don’t know them personally. For a nervous networker, that’s good news, because you can start building those relationships long before you ever shake hands.
Read what they publish. Share it with a genuine comment. Reply with a thoughtful question rather than a pitch. When you do finally meet them at an event, you’re not a stranger anymore. You’re the person who asked that good question about their last talk. That’s a much easier opener than “so, what do you do?”
Terence also pointed to Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In as a book he recommends partly for “the power of networking and growing your posse.” Whatever you read, the principle is the same: relationships compound, and the early, awkward ones are what make the later, easier ones possible.
What to do when your mind goes blank
Everyone has had the moment where you walk up to someone, say your name and then nothing comes. It feels huge. It usually isn’t.
Keep two or three easy questions in your back pocket: what brought you here, what are you working on right now, what’s been the best part of the event so far. Questions take the spotlight off you and put it on the other person, which is exactly where nervous people want it. If you lose your train of thought, say so with a smile. “Sorry, I completely lost my thread” is human, and most people warm to it.
How networking got Terence inside McLaren
When I asked Terence about his standout boardroom moment, he didn’t have to think. It was McLaren. He described a business built on excellence and a disregard for the status quo, down to a building designed to promote focus, concentration and collaboration between departments.
“The caliber of the individuals was so high,” he said, and the appetite to grow and succeed “was infectious.” He described the McLaren chairman, Ron Dennis, as absolutely obsessed with perfection.
And how did he get in that room? “It’s through the networking,” he said. “It was really through growing the posse.” Not a cold pitch, not a lucky break. Years of building relationships across those three circles until one of them opened a door he couldn’t have opened on his own.
That’s worth holding onto when the nerves hit. The conversation you’re dreading might feel small. You won’t know which introduction leads to your McLaren moment, which is exactly why it’s worth making a lot of them.
How to network when you’re nervous: practical moves
None of this means you have to become the loudest person in the room. A few simple moves make a big difference:
- Set a small, specific goal before you arrive, like meeting two new people or asking one good question.
- Prepare one simple opener: your name, what you do in a sentence and a question back.
- Ask curious questions and listen. People rarely remember your pitch, but they remember feeling interesting.
- Look for people standing alone or in small groups. They’re often just as relieved as you are when someone says hello.
- Breathe slowly before you walk in. It won’t remove the nerves, but it takes the edge off the shaky voice.
- Follow up within a day or two with something specific from the conversation.
- Afterward, write down what actually went well, not just the awkward bits your inner critic replays.
Notice that none of these need you to feel confident first. They work while you’re nervous. Confidence comes after you’ve done it a few times, not before. There’s a difference between real confidence and putting on a show, and I’ve written about confidence vs ego before. Earned confidence comes from reps, and networking is no different.
Turn down the inner critic, then act anyway
Terence’s view is that the inner critic doesn’t fully go away, it just loses its grip when you stop letting it make your decisions. He has a Finnish word he loves for this, sisu, which he describes as resilience and grit, “the ability to face that angry bear outside your door.” For a nervous networker, that bear is usually self-doubt and the fear of looking silly.
Take the pedestal away first. The person you’re scared to approach probably felt the same way at their first event. Their success doesn’t make them less human, and it doesn’t make you less worth talking to.
Then keep the rest of your energy for the work that matters. Networking is part of the job, not the whole job, and it fits best around a clear plan for how to stay focused as an entrepreneur.
When I asked Terence for his last 30 seconds of advice to the world, part of what he said was “transcend your fears, and do it now.” That’s the whole idea in one line. You don’t wait to stop being nervous. You go and say hello while you still are.
FAQ
How do you network when you’re nervous?
Set a small goal, prepare one simple opener and focus on asking curious questions instead of impressing people. Accept the nerves as normal; most people notice them far less than you think.
Is it normal to feel anxious at networking events?
Yes. Nerves at events are very common. NIMH estimates 7.1% of U.S. adults had social anxiety disorder in the past year, and everyday nervousness is far more widespread. If anxiety limits your life, talk to a professional.
How can introverts network without burning out?
Build relationships in circles: lean on your personal and work contacts, then add a few new people at a time. Set a clear goal, take breaks and follow up one-to-one, where introverts often shine.
What is the spotlight effect?
The spotlight effect is our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice our appearance and behavior. Research led by Cornell psychologist Thomas Gilovich found people think they’re noticed far more than they really are.
What should I say when I introduce myself at an event?
Keep it short: your name, what you do in one sentence and a question about them. Something simple like asking what brought them there works because it hands the conversation back.
Success Advice
How to Turn Pain Into Purpose: Make Your Biggest Mess Your Mission
How to turn pain into purpose starts with a decision you make before you feel ready: whatever this is, it’s going to be used for something. Coach Nash Mackey, who lost his eldest brother and then his younger sister to suicide within months of each other, calls it turning the mess in your life into the mission. You still grieve. You talk it out, focus on what you can control and link the loss to something bigger than yourself.
This article talks about suicide and grief. If you’re struggling, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Nash and I have worked together for many years and coached hundreds of people together. I initially started out coaching him, and then I’ve seen him become somebody who coaches others. Every time I brought Nash in to coach the coaches I was training and certifying, they loved him. He doesn’t just theoretically understand things. He lives it and applies it. And if you really want to grow in personal development, that’s the point: you must implement.
Where his question came from
Nash trained as a combat medic at 17 and worked in emergency departments and operating theatres. He saw how real the consequences are of the decisions we make, the habits we form and the beliefs we hold. That work got heavy, and for a while he turned to alcohol and what he calls low-grade habits.
Out of that came the question that still drives him: what makes humans come alive? That question really becomes your compass. When I asked what coming alive looks like day to day, he said he measures it by two things, fulfillment and purpose. “Purpose for me is, it has to have an impact on other people’s lives,” he said. “If it’s just for myself, I know it won’t sustain.”
Decide to use it before you know how it ends
When Nash got the call from his dad that his brother might have ended his life, he made a decision in the car on the way there. “I made an internal commitment that I was already going to use this for impact,” he said. “Regardless of how this goes… I am going to use this.”
He calls finding his brother the most intense situation he’s ever been in. A few months later, his younger sister ended her life too. “Burying my brother and then a few months later burying my sister,” he said. “It felt like we were in a movie.”
The commitment didn’t stop the grief. It gave the grief somewhere to go. “I could be crushed by this because it felt big,” he said. “So I was like, how can I use this? What can I do with this?”
Don’t carry it alone
I asked Nash what tools he’d suggest for anyone going through grief, loss or a heavy season that’s challenged their identity. This is the nerdy coach stuff we love.
He started with a military saying: two is one, one is none. You don’t go it alone. Nash called me during that time, and I jumped on a call with him. “I want to talk it out,” he said of why he picked up the phone. “I can’t hold this in.” He says he processes by talking in real time.
He also did something most people won’t try. The first thing he did when he got home was get into an ice bath, because for him it “brings everything to the surface.” He’s clear that’s his experience, not a rule for everyone. His bigger point is about stress. When you’re in a heightened state, he finds people often try to calm down too soon. Sometimes he’ll meet that energy with a bit of deliberate stress, then breathe and bring himself back down. That’s the heart of nervous system regulation: you don’t skip the stress, you learn to come back from it. If you’re thinking about cold exposure, check with your doctor first.
Breathwork is a big part of Nash’s work, and it’s something he helped me go through when I was feeling overloaded. I had an unexplainable symptom. I was overloading my system with supplements and had other stresses compounding. He gave me access to an audio, and the breathwork really helped.
Focus on the controllables and see life beyond it
Nash has a young family. “You’ve got little mouths to feed,” he said. “I’m like, okay, my primary role here is to be here for my family.” “What are the controllables here? I’ve got to focus on those because it is pointless spiraling.”
He also pointed to Viktor Frankl, who held on to a vision of life beyond the concentration camps. “It’s not about not feeling through what needs to be felt through,” Nash said. “It’s like, what’s on the other side of this that I’m going to hold on to?” When his sister died, he went back to the same practices that got him through his brother’s death, even though he didn’t want to.
I said to Nash that personal development sometimes teaches us we control every single aspect of our life, and that’s not always the case. What we can control is our perceptions, our decisions and our actions. Sometimes things just catch us on the blind side. He couldn’t control what happened to his brother or his sister. Accepting that is close to the Stoic idea of amor fati: say yes to what already happened, then get to work on what you can still shape.
Turn the mess into the mission
Three days after his brother’s death, Nash kept a promise to a client who was attempting a Guinness World Record for a cause. Watching her carry a message through a physical challenge planted an idea. He had a deep value on health and fitness. Could he do something like that?
He did. He set the Guinness World Record for the most T-rotation push-ups in 24 hours, with 6,181. He says they weren’t doing it for money. The point was the message: check in with yourself, be courageous if you’re struggling, reach out to someone who can genuinely support you, then make a change.
“Whatever the biggest mess is, that becomes the mission,” he said. “The mess needs to be cleaned up by someone. Who’s going to grab the mop and start mopping?”
I told Nash he’s a living, breathing, walking example of diving into life and coming alive. He’s since carried the same message into more endurance challenges. “There’s power in knowing your values, linking your values and committing to causes bigger than yourself,” he said. “We can sit around, we can be crushed or we can say, how am I going to use this?”
Grief comes in waves
My heart goes out to Nash. I know the feeling of loss. There’s a lot of grief that comes with losing a brother and a sister so close together, and grief comes in waves. Sometimes you feel like you’re drowning in it. I told him I’d imagine he learned a lot about capacity, and that I applaud him for moving through it and coming out even stronger.
Loss like that also makes us face our own mortality. How long am I going to be here? What do I want to do with my life while I’m here? Nash said he’s always felt the fragility of life. His youngest daughter needed major heart surgery right after she was born. Those experiences, he said, gave him empathy. “When I have a client who shows up and they’ve been through an extreme thing, while it’s different, I know what it’s like to have been in huge adversity.”
Someone who mentored both of us used to say that when you continue to live in a fantasy, it slowly and surely becomes a nightmare. Exploring both sides, the grief of life and the joy of life, keeps you balanced in the center.
Check what’s driving you
I’ve had a lot of guests on Addicted2Success. Sometimes it’s great to hear the motivational pump-up, but it’s also good to hear the technical side: what’s actually happening in my body and my brain, and what can I do about it? So I asked Nash what he does with high achievers burning the candle at both ends.
“Look at the driver of success. That’s always where I start,” he said. He’s seen pro athletes driven by a need to impress a parent or a coach since they were six, and founders holding huge companies because they feel deeply lonely or not good enough. “Don’t lie to yourself,” he said, “because it will erode in the background.”
He also shared a line from Robyn Moore, the Australian voice of Blinky Bill. When he asked what keeps her so driven, she told him: “I’m not driven. I’m drawn.” Purpose that pulls you is healthier than pain that pushes you.
We talked about the Superman complex too: trying to manage everything because no one else can do it perfectly like you. Then Nash turned the question on me. I told him that asking what success looks like when it can’t just be about achievement opens a box a lot of people haven’t looked in. That was a big thing for me. I was in a very insecure stage, dating a woman and giving away so much, without much coming back. My friend Ben finally asked me, “Why do you think I’m friends with you?” Then he listed probably about 50 things for five minutes. The more he said, the more I realized I wasn’t accepting those things. I started tearing up. How does he see that, but I don’t? I’d just been in this performance. You’ve got to find something deeper than accolades.
The biggest thing for me was forgiveness. I realized I wanted to be chosen. I didn’t feel I had that reciprocal love from my father, and I had to achieve things for him to pay attention. It wasn’t until I had a forgiveness conversation with him, and sealed it with what I’m grateful for, that it transformed our relationship. I redefined what it meant to actually love and be loved.
Don’t build your identity around the wound
I asked Nash something controversial. Have we gone too far into validating people’s trauma and not far enough into teaching them how to become strong again? Don’t be a feather in the wind. Build your house on rock, not on sand.
He pointed to The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, which draws on Alfred Adler’s psychology. Nash was careful. He acknowledges trauma is real, and he has a lot of compassion for people who are in it. His concern is identity. “When people start forming an identity around ‘I’m a traumatized person,'” he said, “I see that as, well, a pretty unproductive way to live.”
I like how he said we should challenge our beliefs. Just because you’re told something for a long time doesn’t mean you should adopt it. And we can’t over-identify with the trauma, which can be limiting. None of that means skipping professional help. It means not letting the worst thing that happened become the only thing you are.
Build capacity before you ask for more
When I asked about the biggest lie in personal development, Nash said it’s that you can reap a harvest without planting seeds.
His fix is to own where your feet are. Bring order to what you already have: the messy shed, the chaotic room. “Why would you expect more when you’re not looking after what you have?” And if you’re overwhelmed, he said, you’re literally declaring you’re at capacity. Daily habits should build mental, emotional, physical and spiritual capacity, so you can hold more.
Even after a world record, he told me he feels like he’s playing at a level three out of 10. I said, “Man, I don’t know what level I’m playing at if you’re at a level three, breaking records.” For him, the next level isn’t doing more. It’s depth.
When I asked what makes a life well lived, he talked about the day people stand up to say a few words about you. “If there’s more people than not who feel a little bit of love within their systems when they reflect on you as an individual, I think that’s a life well lived.”
How to turn pain into purpose: 7 steps
- Decide, as early as you can, that this will be used for something.
- Don’t carry it alone. Call someone you trust and talk it out.
- Feel what needs to be felt, then come back down with breath, movement or rest.
- List what you can control today and put your energy there.
- Picture the life on the other side of this and hold on to it.
- Pick one cause or message bigger than yourself and take one action for it.
- Build capacity with daily habits before you ask life for more.
FAQ
How do you turn pain into purpose?
Decide the pain will be used for something, get support, focus on what you can control and connect the loss to a cause bigger than you. Nash Mackey calls it turning your mess into your mission.
Can you find purpose while you’re still grieving?
Yes. Nash Mackey says purpose doesn’t replace grief. You still feel what needs to be felt. Purpose gives the grief somewhere to go and something on the other side to hold on to.
What does “turn your mess into your mission” mean?
It means taking the hardest thing in your life and using it to help others. For Nash Mackey, that meant a Guinness World Record to encourage people to check in and reach out.
Is it unhealthy to build your identity around trauma?
Nash Mackey says trauma is real but forming your whole identity around it can keep you stuck. Acknowledge it, get professional help when you need it and don’t let it become all you are.
Where can I get help if I’m struggling right now?
In the US, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency number or crisis line.
Success Advice
How to Master Your Inner Game: Why Procrastination Is Never the Real Problem
How to master your inner game comes down to one shift: stop fighting the effect and go find the cause. Strategy and mindset coach Jeffrey Combs puts it bluntly. Procrastination is an effect, not a cause, and if you keep telling yourself you don’t know why you do what you do, you’ve got no ability to respond. Find the cause, simplify how you work and put your energy into skills instead of chasing success.
The first time I ever saw Jeffrey speak was out in San Diego. One thing that really stood out to me was that he was standing at the door, greeting each and every person who walked into the room before he jumped on stage. I highly respect that.
By his own count, Jeffrey has coached more than 9,000 clients and has been an entrepreneur for over 30 years. I remember that back in the late 90s he was a successful network marketer. He moved into speaking and then found his niche in coaching. He once said his real skill is helping people find the cause behind their effect, so I asked him how he pinpointed that.
Procrastination is an effect, not a cause
His answer started with his own life. “First of all, I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic,” he said. When we spoke, he had more than 26 years of sobriety with no relapses, after spending 14 years addicted to alcohol and drugs that, in his words, “allowed me to dull the pain.”
Getting clean didn’t fix everything. Jeffrey said he spent the first several years of his sobriety as “an angry, dry drunk, not really understanding why I couldn’t succeed.” He’d experience success, then sabotage it, or something would happen and it would all go away. That was the effect, and it kept leading him to the same disappointment.
What changed things was learning how cause and effect works in the brain. “If anyone listening has tendencies of procrastination, procrastination is an effect, it’s not a cause,” he said. “The causes that create our feelings are based on a series of events and, most importantly, how we perceive them.”
Once you understand the cause, he said, you can let go of the effects. “But if you continue to live in the effect and live in denial and tell yourself you don’t know why you do what you do, then there’s no ability to respond.”
That’s the inner game in one line. Most people attack the symptom. They download another productivity app, set another alarm and promise themselves Monday will be different. Jeffrey’s point is that the behavior is downstream. If the way you perceive events hasn’t changed, the effect keeps coming back. John Demartini comes at a related question from a different direction, on values, in why you’re not sabotaging yourself.
Where his cause-and-effect lens came from
I asked Jeffrey who put him on to neuroscience. Did he read a book, or did somebody coach him on it?
Nobody coached him. He started reading voraciously in the 80s as he got clean and sober. He also shared stages with Dr. Joe Dispenza early in Joe’s speaking career and booked him to speak at his own events, so he watched what Joe was doing and kept reading. Over time he pieced together the basics of what happens in the brain chemistry “that creates an emotional addiction that leads to an identity.”
We actually had Joe Dispenza on the Addicted2Success podcast and he was incredible. The knowledge he shared with us about the brain and the mindset showed what an unlimited world there is for us to discover.
Get off the practice shelf
We have a lot of entrepreneur listeners, and there’s so much information out there: podcasts, blogs, live events, video lessons. The biggest thing is finding the right information, so I asked Jeffrey how entrepreneurs cut through that noise.
He started with what people get wrong. “What many people do is they practice shelf,” he said, meaning their shelves are full of self-help books, podcast downloads and seminar notes. “They become seminar goers, but not active producers.”
He’s blunt about the money side, too. People rack up credit card debt on seminars and coaching and call it an asset. “It’s an asset when it’s applied. It’s a liability when it’s procrastinated on.”
Then he described the trap most people live in without noticing. “If you keep getting ready to get ready, waiting for that perfect mythical magical moment, you’ll never live your dreams,” he said. “You’ll just live in a wish, tiptoeing quietly through life, arriving at your grave safely, living the greatest pain, the pain of regret.”
His fix isn’t another book. It’s a business model you can run. If you’re not systemized, organized, methodical and detail conscious, he said, there’s a high probability you’ll be overwhelmed, procrastinate and end up disappointed. That’s the chain to break.
Inner knowing beats more know-how
To Jeffrey, the deeper problem is where people look for answers. “They never apply what they learn,” he said. “They keep looking for more technical know-how.”
He argued that school trains us to answer tests analytically and logically, and doesn’t reward creativity. Yet ideas, branding, intellectual property and the vision for a business don’t come from technical know-how. “It comes from your inner knowing, your being,” he said. “And that’s where so many people miss the mark.”
How to train your inner ear
I was listening to one of Jeffrey’s podcasts where he said people need to start focusing more on what’s meant and not said. So I asked him the best way to train your inner ear.
“You have to get out of your head,” he said. You have to stop living in the analytical, egoic mind, which is what he calls a human doing. “You have to learn to do less and be more.”
That doesn’t mean you stop setting goals. He wants you to learn how to “goal get”: how to achieve, produce, create results and live in the solution. The person still hunting for the next seminar speaker, the next event, the next rally is living in the problem. “It’s never out in front of you. It’s always within you.”
He also talked about attachment. When you’re attached to the outcome and overwhelmed by anxiety, he said, you’re separate from the result instead of one with it. I told him he was right. It’s good to separate yourself from the outcome and keep that anxiety out of your life.
Simplify or live in fight or flight
In one of his podcasts, Jeffrey talked about the power of simplicity. I think as entrepreneurs we tend to overcomplicate everything that comes our way, so I asked him for the steps every aspiring entrepreneur needs to take to simplify.
He laid it out as a chain. “If you’re complicated, you’re going to be unorganized. If you’re unorganized, you’re going to be overwhelmed. If you’re overwhelmed, your body’s in a constant state of fight or flight. There’s no joy. There’s no peace.”
The other side is simple work you can repeat. “If what you do is simple, you can duplicate it,” he said. Through repetition and experience, it becomes what you do and who you are. You build a reflex where you respond instead of react.
If you’re complicated, overwhelmed and not systematic, you’ll be winging it, and your brain never really relaxes. Dwell on the problem long enough, he warned, and you’ll create more of them to feed the craving. “You become addicted to disappointment.”
That’s a bad addiction to have, that’s for sure.
It’s also why simplifying is an inner-game move, not just an operations tweak. One clear offer and one checklist for the work that matters will do more for your head than a perfect plan you never touch.
Successful people focus on skills, not success
When I interviewed Joe Dispenza, he mentioned that most of the thoughts we have are the same ones we had the day before, and that we run mostly on autopilot from the unconscious. That’s where our habits come from. So I asked Jeffrey about the most common habits he sees in the successful people he’s coached.
“They do the same thing over and over with very little fanfare,” he said. “They can produce without recognition. They’re not seeking approval. They become very skilled.”
Then he made the distinction at the heart of this whole conversation. If he writes the word success on a whiteboard, that’s what most people want. If he writes skills, very few people focus on it. “The most successful people are highly skilled and they have great habits.”
Most people, he said, want instant gratification. They hit a little dip, look at their credit card statements and tell themselves, “I’m not where I should be,” without realizing they haven’t paid the price yet. “If you don’t master, number one, your emotional state and master the skills of the vocation, you’ll always be average.”
I told him we were going to have to change the website address to addictedtoskills.com.
Be patient while you’re productive
I asked Jeffrey about the biggest life lesson he’s learned. “Be patient,” he said. He got clean and sober at 31 and wanted 10 years of sobriety right away. Even with the drugs and alcohol put down, he stayed in an overwhelmed, addictive state.
“Patience isn’t something you do. Patience is what you become,” he said. “But you also have to be patient while you’re productive.” It’s the production while you’re patient, he explained, that creates the compounding effect. Focus only on reaping and you won’t master the skills to sow.
When I asked about the best advice he’d ever received from a mentor or someone he’d shared a stage with, he said the best advice he’s had is his own: listen to what he means, trust what he feels and don’t go against his own intuition.
I love it. Listen to yourself.
I can actually vouch for Jeffrey. I know a number of my friends have had amazing turnarounds and breakthroughs in their business and their life. His work lives at goldenmastermind.com.
I closed by asking what his last 30-second speech to the world would sound like. “Master the skills. Stay in the game long enough to master the skills. Be patient and focus on being a tortoise, not a hare,” he said. “Let go of trying to be the best and be your best, one day at a time, over a long career.”
How to master your inner game: 7 steps
- Name the effect you keep repeating, like procrastination, quitting or blowing up a good month.
- Ask what event and what perception sit underneath it. That’s the cause.
- Pick one book or course you’ve already bought and apply it this week before buying another.
- Strip one process down until it’s simple enough to repeat on a bad day.
- Write down a skill you’re building, not a result you’re chasing.
- Do the work, then let go of the outcome. Watching the pot won’t make it boil.
- Measure yourself against your best, not the best, one day at a time.
FAQ
What does it mean to master your inner game?
It means understanding the thoughts, perceptions and emotional patterns that drive your behavior, so you can change the cause instead of fighting the effects. Jeffrey Combs frames it as cause and effect.
Is procrastination a cause or an effect?
Jeffrey Combs calls procrastination an effect. He says the cause is a series of events and how you perceive them, often made worse by overwhelm and waiting for a perfect moment.
What is the practice shelf?
It’s Jeffrey Combs’ term for shelves full of self-help books, downloads and seminar notes that never get applied. He says knowledge is an asset when it’s applied and a liability when it’s procrastinated on.
How do you train your inner ear?
Get out of your head, do less and be more, and stay present. Jeffrey Combs says the answers aren’t in the next seminar. They come from your own inner knowing and trust.
Why focus on skills instead of success?
Because skills are what produce success. Jeffrey Combs says the most successful people are highly skilled, have great habits and do the same work over and over with very little fanfare.
Success Advice
Why Your Environment Shapes Your Success More Than Willpower
You can have an ambitious goal, a detailed plan, and a calendar full of good intentions, yet still end the day wondering where your focus went. You sit down to work, notice the pile on your desk, reach for your phone, then realise the room is too cold to concentrate.
Willpower matters, but relying on it to overcome the same obstacles every morning is exhausting. Your surroundings shape how easily you start tasks, maintain concentration, and build lasting habits. Understanding how your surroundings affect productivity can help you make practical changes without overhauling your routine.
Remove the Friction Between Intention and Action
Think about the last task you kept putting off. Was the work genuinely difficult, or did getting started involve several small irritations? Maybe your notebook was missing, your laptop needed charging, or you had to clear a space before you could begin.
These minor inconveniences create opportunities to procrastinate. Make important tasks easier to start by preparing what you need beforehand. If you plan to write in the morning, leave your notes ready. If you exercise after work, pack your kit the night before.
Physical comfort deserves equal attention. A cramped desk, uncomfortable chair, or poorly heated room can make sustained concentration difficult. Temperature is particularly easy to overlook. When your workspace feels too cold, you may spend more time getting comfortable than tackling your priorities. Addressing heating problems can make long working sessions more manageable.
For home offices where space is limited, vertical radiators offer an alternative to traditional horizontal designs. UK Radiators provides different heating options, which can help you plan around available wall space while considering your heating requirements.
Create a Clearer Workspace for Clearer Priorities
A cluttered desk can compete for your attention before you’ve even opened your laptop. Unfinished paperwork, scattered notes, and unrelated objects remind you of everything else you could be doing.
Rather than organising your entire home, concentrate on the space directly involved in your work. Keep frequently used equipment within reach and move unrelated items elsewhere. Give paperwork a designated place instead of letting it accumulate beside your keyboard.
Your digital workspace matters too. An overloaded desktop, dozens of open browser tabs, and constant notifications can make even straightforward tasks feel disorganised. Close unnecessary windows before starting demanding work. Keep the documents you need accessible and separate active projects from completed ones.
Think of your desk as a place for your current priorities, not a storage area for every responsibility you have.
Use Light and Noise to Protect Your Concentration
Lighting and sound affect the quality of your working conditions, but they require different approaches. Start with light. Natural daylight can make a workspace more pleasant, although direct sunlight on a screen may create distracting glare. Position your desk to take advantage of daylight without making your monitor difficult to see.
For detailed work, use a suitable desk lamp rather than relying entirely on overhead lighting. As evening approaches, adjust the brightness to suit your tasks and avoid working under unnecessarily harsh light.
Noise requires a little experimentation. Some people concentrate comfortably with background music, while others find even quiet conversations distracting. The type of work matters too. Routine administrative tasks may tolerate more background activity than writing, studying, or solving complex problems.
If possible, reserve quieter periods for demanding work. Use headphones, silence unnecessary notifications, or agree on interruption-free periods with colleagues or family members. You don’t need complete silence. What matters is creating conditions that allow you to concentrate without constantly recovering from interruptions.
Make Good Habits Easier to Repeat
Motivation often feels strongest when you set a goal. Maintaining that enthusiasm weeks later is another matter. That’s where habit formation becomes important. Instead of expecting yourself to make the same decision every day, connect new behaviours to routines you already follow.
For example, review your daily priorities immediately after making your morning coffee. Read a few pages after brushing your teeth, or spend ten minutes planning tomorrow’s work before shutting down your computer. These familiar activities provide reliable reminders without requiring complicated schedules.
You can also make a habit easier to repeat by reducing its initial demands. If you want to read regularly, begin with a few pages rather than setting an ambitious daily target. If you’re developing a writing routine, commit to opening your document and drafting one paragraph.
Small actions give you something achievable to return to, including on difficult days. Consistency matters more than creating an impressive routine you abandon after a week.
Test What Actually Works for You
There’s no universal formula for the perfect productive environment. A quiet home office may suit one person, while another works better with gentle background activity. Some people prefer a tidy desk with almost nothing on it; others need visual reminders of ongoing projects.
Rather than copying someone else’s setup, pay attention to your working patterns. For a week, notice when your concentration slips. Is it during a particular task, at a certain time, or after repeated interruptions?
Change one thing at a time. Adjust your lighting, reorganise your desk, or schedule demanding work during quieter hours. Then consider whether the adjustment makes starting and finishing tasks easier. This approach helps you distinguish genuine improvements from changes that simply look productive.
Success Starts With What You Repeat
Willpower can help you push through a difficult moment, but it shouldn’t have to carry your entire routine. The relationship between environment and success becomes clearer when you examine your typical workday. Comfortable conditions reduce unnecessary interruptions, organised spaces support attention, and familiar routines make productive behaviour easier to maintain.
You don’t need an expensive office or a complete lifestyle overhaul to benefit. Start by identifying one obstacle that regularly slows you down. Make a practical adjustment and give yourself time to assess the difference.
Once that change becomes part of your routine, consider the next improvement. Success still requires effort, patience, and commitment. But when your surroundings support the way you want to work, you can direct more of that effort towards making meaningful progress.
Success Advice
10 Creative Ways to Recognize Top Employees for Their Hard Work
Some employees have a knack for making everyone’s working day a little easier. They’re the ones who find solutions when projects go wrong, help struggling colleagues, and put extra thought into everything they do.
But how do you recognize their efforts in a way that feels genuinely special?
The usual employee recognition ideas, such as gift cards and thank-you emails, certainly have their place. However, if someone has made an exceptional contribution, why not do something a little different?
Creative employee recognition is about making people feel seen as individuals. A thoughtful surprise, an unusual award, or an experience tailored to their interests can leave a lasting impression.
If you’re looking for something beyond the standard Employee of the Month certificate, here are ten ideas worth trying.
1. Create a Mini Workplace Hall of Fame
Why should sports stars and celebrities have all the fun?
Turn a corner of your office into a mini Hall of Fame celebrating employees who have made outstanding contributions. Give each honoree a framed photograph, a short description of their achievements, and perhaps a fun fact about their personality.
You could even organize a small unveiling ceremony, complete with a red carpet and a few words from their colleagues. Keep the display updated throughout the year so different employees have their chance in the spotlight.
For remote teams, create a digital Hall of Fame on your company’s internal website.
2. Design a One-of-a-Kind Achievement Award
Forget the standard trophy with someone’s name engraved underneath. Why not create an award that reflects what makes an employee special?
- For instance, someone who always finds solutions to difficult problems could receive a “Master of Making Things Work” award.
- An employee who keeps everyone calm during stressful projects might appreciate a “Coolest Head in the Office” award.
Make the presentation memorable, too. Invite colleagues to share stories about the recipient before revealing their award. Personalized keepsakes can make these occasions particularly meaningful. An award that reflects a specific accomplishment is something employees can proudly display for years.
3. Treat Them to a Mystery Experience Day
Some of the best rewards aren’t things you can put on a shelf. Instead of another gift voucher, arrange a surprise experience based on the employee’s interests.
For someone who loves cooking, this might mean a pasta-making workshop. An adventurous colleague could enjoy an indoor climbing session, while a creative employee might appreciate a pottery class.
Give them a mysterious invitation with a few clues about what’s planned. Of course, check their availability and comfort level beforehand. The activity should be a pleasant surprise, not an unwanted obligation.
4. Create a Personalized Career Time Capsule
Imagine receiving a box filled with reminders of your proudest work moments. A career time capsule is a thoughtful way to recognize someone who has reached a major milestone or completed an exceptional project.
Fill a keepsake box with photographs, memorable project notes, funny workplace moments, and handwritten messages from colleagues. Present the box during a team gathering and invite the employee to revisit some of their favorite memories.
This is especially meaningful for long-serving employees whose contributions span several years.
5. Celebrate Their Success With a Dazzling 3D Crystal Award
Some achievements deserve more than a traditional trophy or a printed certificate. For employees who have gone above and beyond, a personalized 3D crystal award can turn their proudest professional moment into a beautiful keepsake.
Beyond Memories offers crystal awards featuring intricate laser engravings inside the glass. These can be personalized with an employee’s name, a photograph, a company logo, or details of their achievement.
Imagine surprising your top salesperson with a crystal commemorating their biggest success, or presenting a retiring colleague with an engraved keepsake celebrating years of dedication.
You could even arrange a special presentation ceremony, inviting colleagues to share a few words about the recipient before revealing the award.
Unlike a certificate that might end up tucked away in a drawer, an elegant crystal award can take pride of place on an employee’s desk or at home, serving as a lasting reminder of their hard work.
6. Name Something in the Office After Them
Here’s an idea that can get the whole workplace talking. Temporarily name something in the office after an outstanding employee. It could be a meeting room, the office coffee station, or even a popular lunchtime spot.
Imagine walking into work and discovering that the usual conference room has become “The Sarah Innovation Suite” in recognition of a brilliant project. Add a small plaque explaining the achievement behind the name.
Keep the tribute lighthearted and relevant to the employee. Someone who dislikes being the centre of attention might prefer a smaller, more discreet gesture.
To make the gesture even more memorable, you could pair the temporary room-naming privilege with a personalized crystal award from Beyond Memory, engraved with the employee’s name and their honorary room title. That way, even when the meeting room returns to its usual name, they’ll have a keepsake to remember the recognition.
7. Give Them a Passion Project Day
Your best employees may have brilliant ideas that never quite make it onto their regular to-do lists.
Reward their hard work by giving them a paid day to pursue a professional passion project. Perhaps someone wants to redesign an outdated internal process, experiment with a new creative approach, or develop a resource that would help colleagues.
Let them choose a project and provide the tools they need. At the end of the day, invite them to share what they’ve created, without turning the experience into another performance assessment.
The reward lies in having the freedom to pursue something interesting.
8. Let Them Design the Ultimate Team Outing
Rather than choosing another predictable team-building activity, hand the planning over to your star employee.
Give them a reasonable budget and invite them to organize an outing everyone can enjoy. They might choose a cooking competition, an escape room, an afternoon at an arcade, or a relaxed outdoor picnic.
The employee gets to choose an experience that reflects their interests while sharing the occasion with colleagues. Just make sure participation is optional, and the activity is accessible to the team.
9. Create a Personal Achievement Museum
For someone who has delivered an outstanding project, create a temporary exhibition celebrating their work.
Think of it as a miniature museum dedicated to their achievements. Display photographs, early sketches, project milestones, and examples of problems they helped solve. Add small information cards explaining the story behind each item.
You could even organize an informal exhibition opening where colleagues walk around and hear about the employee’s accomplishments. This works particularly well for creative projects, major company milestones, and collaborative achievements where individual contributions might otherwise go unnoticed.
10. Give Them a Golden Ticket
Remember the excitement of finding a golden ticket? Bring a little of that anticipation into the workplace.
Create a special golden ticket that employees can redeem for a reward of their choice. Depending on your budget, options might include an extra paid day off, a professional workshop, a special lunch, or tickets to an event.
Present the ticket inside an envelope or small gift box to make the occasion more memorable. You could even introduce a limited number of golden tickets throughout the year, each recognizing a particularly impressive contribution. The fun is in the presentation, but the reward itself should be worthwhile.
Conclusion: Make Their Hard Work Worth Celebrating
Recognizing outstanding employees doesn’t have to mean handing out the same certificates and gift vouchers year after year. Sometimes, the most memorable gestures come from doing something unexpected.
A personalized achievement museum, a dazzling crystal with their personal details, a surprise experience, or a meeting room temporarily named after a colleague can turn an ordinary workday into a special occasion.
The trick is to think about the individual. What would genuinely make them smile? Which achievement are they proudest of? Would they enjoy a public celebration or something more personal?
Start with those questions, then choose a reward that fits. After all, when someone puts extraordinary effort into their work, a little imagination can go a long way in showing just how much that effort is appreciated.
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