“Your problem isn’t talking,” my speech therapist said. “You just get so caught up in what you’re going to say and how other people perceive you, you don’t truly listen to anyone.” As a shy kid with a debilitating stutter who prided himself on his listening skills, this is the last thing I wanted to hear. But ultimately, my therapist was right.

Our ability to verbally communicate effectively and build connections with others is rooted in how well we dig in, absorb, and understand the thoughts, feelings, challenges, and desires of others. After all, if we aren’t catching what other people are saying, it’s impossible to add value to a conversation.

Much of the advice we’re given to be a better listener is to be an active listener. In my two-decade career in communication and entrepreneurship, the best listeners choose to be present, curious, and empathetic. 

As with any qualities that sound nice, suspending our ego and putting our agenda aside in favor of prioritizing the person in front of us is hard. Here are three mindsets you can adopt to make becoming a stronger listener easier as you build meaningful relationships with others.

Be More Present by Adopting the Mindset of a Feather

I’m sure being alive two hundred years ago wasn’t easy, but our modern world often feels out of control. Between work, money, family, health issues, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life, it’s amazing we have the headspace to listen to anyone. 

However, it’s not just our present concerns and future worries that pull us away from being in the moment in conversations. We may not think about it very much, but we all carry with us a vast catalog of past experiences that silently influence our interactions. 

The more we can unpack these concerns, and enter a conversation in a state of lightness—like a feather—the better we can create the space for connections with others.

Maybe you carry concerns about money with you. Or maybe the mental boulder that impedes you from listening is work stress. Or maybe at times you worry too much about what other people think of you. 

Take inventory for one week. Track your internal chatter and write down the thoughts and worries you consistently carry into conversations that pull you away from truly listening to people.

This isn’t about downplaying the importance of these thoughts and concerns. They’re valid. It’s about making the choice to put them aside in the moment so you can better zero in on the person in front of you. 

By choosing the mindset of a feather, the door opens for us to be blown away by the people we meet.

“The art of conversation lies in listening.” –Malcolm Forbes

Be More Curious by Adopting the Mindset of a Biographer

Building connections with people is an art, and like with all art, everyone will have a different interpretation. 

For me, its essence lies in creating the space for people to reveal themselves. It’s setting the foundation for identifying how your story and the story of the person in front of you best collide.

Sure, we can kick off conversations by asking people for their story, but this question can often feel too big as we struggle with where to begin. 

Instead, to get to the heart of who someone is, adopt the mindset of a biographer whose job demands asking thoughtful questions and listening to people’s responses as they slowly piece together their experiences, interests, and tastes.

During my first conversation with Kim Dabbs, author of You Belong Here and Global Director of ESG and Social Innovation at Steelcase, she asked me, “Where do you call home?” It’s a small shift in language from the typical question “Where are you from?” but it got me talking about the places I’ve lived and why small-town Spain brings out the best in me. 

Similarly, asking a question about what kind of music people were into during high school allows them to think back to what they were like growing up, while reflecting on how their tastes have evolved. 

Then, you can ask specific follow-up questions to dive deeper into their background and experiences.

Biographers take years to research someone and collect bits of their story one piece at a time as their relationship evolves and strengthens. Don’t be afraid to get to know other people in small bites.

Be More Empathetic by Adopting the Mindset of a Smart Parrot

My job as a communication strategist, leadership lecturer, and career coach is to make my clients and students feel seen and heard. 

One way to accomplish this is reflective listening. This isn’t simply repeating back what people say, but taking a moment before summarizing what you’ve heard in your own words. 

In other words: being a smart parrot that can put one plus one together.

If someone is going on about how awful their boss is and how much work they have on their plate, rather than downplay their feelings, one-upping them with your own challenges, or offering advice on how to fix it, summarize what you heard. 

This could come in the form of “It sounds like you’re overwhelmed from…” Or, “It seems like you have a lot on your plate…”

When someone is sharing their worries and concerns, we want to jump in and help. Though well-intentioned, this can often backfire. Much of the time when people talk, they simply need to let things out and to feel like someone is there for them. 

It’s not about the information. It’s about people feeling understood and connected. The phrase, “What I’m hearing…” also allows people to dial in to ensure they’re communicating correctly, and if not, it gives them space to clarify themselves.

If you don’t understand something, Denise Young Smith, former Chief of HR at Apple and author of When We Are Seen, recommends saying, “This is new to me and I want to understand it. 

Can we start again…,” which I think is a nice way of letting people know that we’re listening and we care.

What Could I Learn if I Just Keep Listening?

Being told we need to be better listeners can feel like homework – the conversational equivalent of someone telling us to eat more brussel sprouts – but it’s homework worth doing. 

Listening is the true foundation for building meaningful connections with others. By learning to be an active listener, you open the door to becoming the kind of person people respect and gravitate towards.