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Change Your Mindset

How to Let Go of Unconscious Patterns That No Longer Serve You

Spending more and more time going inward will free you to move forward.

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Image Credit: Midjourney

I was chatting with a friend of mine who was recently laid off. The experience has been overwhelming for him in a myriad of ways, including feeling inadequate and not good enough to get another job.

He scrolls through job postings on LinkedIn and sees jobs in his industry that might be a good fit but chooses not to apply to them. Why? It’s safer to reject himself before others have a chance to reject him.

In contrast, I have another friend who was recently laid off and she is enjoying this journey and using it as an opportunity to explore what might be next. She feels excited and ready to take on a new adventure. And, she’s having a ton of conversations with various people about what they do so she can compile a list of opportunities that would feel expansive to her.

What is the difference here? The exact same event occurred, but how these two friends are dealing with it, the thoughts, and emotions they are experiencing, and actions they are taking are so very different. 

I believe the answer can be found in the book, The myth of normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture, where author Gabor Maté MD explores two essential needs: attachment and authenticity.

The purpose of attachment, he states, “is to facilitate either caretaking or being taken care of.”

Authenticity is “the quality of being true to oneself.”

Attachment wins when we are young

When we are young, attachment wins because we need help to physically survive. Because we don’t have many tools when we’re young to help keep ourselves safe, we’ll often hide how we feel, even from ourselves. 

An example of this might be a parent who repeatedly yells at, talks down to and reprimands a child for not meeting their expectations. The parent, in so many ways, let’s the child know that they aren’t enough.

While the child may feel anger toward the parent, that’s not a safe feeling to feel because they need their help (attachment). So, they turn the anger inward – they may start being harsh with themselves each time they feel they didn’t meet an expectation. This helps protect them in a couple of ways. 

First, they don’t make the parent even angrier by showing their anger. And second, because they are taking the place of the parent, so the parent can see they are being harsh with themselves, and they can back off.

“The conscious mind determines the actions, the unconscious mind determines the reactions; and the reactions are just as important as the actions.” – E. Stanley Jones

Authenticity wins when we are older

But, as we get older, being authentic is a higher priority to us. Unfortunately, if we had to hide how we felt all those years, over time that chips away at our ability to be authentic. 

Dr. Maté states, “As these patterns get wired into our nervous system, the perceived need to be what the world demands becomes entangled with our sense of who we are and how to seek love. Inauthenticity is thereafter misidentified with survival because the two were synonymous during the formative years.”

In this example, we’ve got an adult who feels it isn’t safe to feel anger and is very hard on themselves when they feel they haven’t met an expectation. In fact, they may even decide it’s too scary to even try (like my friend who was laid off). 

And, they aren’t consciously doing it, so it’s difficult to consciously address it. All they know is they feel “stuck.”

An exercise to try if you’re feeling stuck

If you’re feeling stuck in some way, it’s likely a part of you that is working to keep you safe, day and night. So, what can be done? Go inward. Acknowledge and befriend this part. Find out what it needs. This will help you to integrate it and move forward. 

Here’s an exercise to try:

  1. Find a quiet time and calm your mind.
  2. Reflect on a recent event, conversation, etc. that felt uncomfortable to you. This might be a feeling of inadequacy, anxiousness, resentment, etc.
  3. Identify the emotion (anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, etc.) that comes up as you reflect on the situation.
  4. Identify where you feel this emotion in your body (chest, neck, stomach, throat, etc.).
  5. Identify what the sensation in your body feels like (shallow breathing, heaviness, burning throat, neck pain, etc.). Simply sit with this sensation. Feel into it.
  6. Thank the part for trying to protect you for so long. It only has good intentions.
  7. Ask this part, “What is it that you need?” Don’t try to force thoughts – the answer won’t come from your mind. Just sit with this question and see what comes up for you.

Continuing the integration

Spending more and more time going inward will help integrate these parts, which will free you to move forward. For example, at a time in my life when I was in the middle of a career pivot, I felt exhausted and foggy – unable to get any traction. 

During this exercise, I was able to identify a part of me that didn’t want a career change because it was too scary and unstable. Instead, it wanted to stay with what was known, dependable, and safe. So, I was able to use that information to decide what to do next. 

In my case, I decided to work a few hours with former clients as well as new ones. With this mix of work (both old and new), the exhaustion and fog dissipated.

Is there an area of your life where you feel stuck or don’t know what to do? Try this exercise and see what comes up for you.

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Change Your Mindset

How to Stay Motivated When Nothing Feels Exciting Anymore (The Strategy Nobody Talks About)

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Let’s be honest. There are seasons where even your biggest dreams feel flat. You know you should be excited. You know you have goals. But the fire is gone and everything feels like a chore.

I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. And what I’ve learned is that the usual advice… “just find your why again” or “watch another motivational video”… actually makes it worse.

Because when motivation dies, it’s rarely because you forgot your goals. It’s because you’ve been running on emotion instead of systems. And emotions are temporary by design.

The real strategy is to stop chasing motivation and start engineering momentum.

Momentum is motivation’s quieter, more reliable cousin. It doesn’t require you to feel inspired. It only requires you to take the smallest possible action that moves you forward—and then protect that streak like your life depends on it.

Here’s the exact process I use when I feel stuck:

  1. Shrink the game ridiculously small. When I’m in a flat season, I don’t try to crush my biggest goal. I ask: “What’s the tiniest action that still counts as progress?” One paragraph. One sales call. One workout. One healthy meal. The goal is to win the day so completely that quitting feels harder than continuing.
  2. Track the streak, not the results. Results take time. Streaks give you dopamine today. I keep a simple calendar and mark an X every day I show up. The chain becomes more important than the outcome. James Clear talks about this in Atomic Habits, and it works because the human brain hates breaking a chain once it’s formed.
  3. Change your environment before you try to change your mind. Motivation follows action, but action follows environment. I’ve rearranged my office, deleted distracting apps, or even gone to a new coffee shop just to break the pattern of procrastination. Sometimes your brain needs new inputs to create new outputs.
  4. Remember that flat seasons are data, not failure. Every high performer I know has gone through periods where nothing felt exciting. Those seasons aren’t signs you’re off path—they’re signs you’re leveling up. The old goals no longer light you up because you’ve outgrown them. This is the moment to either go deeper on what you have or quietly upgrade to something bigger.

The beautiful part is that once you build momentum through tiny, consistent actions, the excitement eventually returns… stronger than before. Because now it’s based on evidence instead of hope.

You don’t need to feel motivated to start. You only need to decide that showing up is non-negotiable.

The fire comes back for people who refuse to let the flat season define them.

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Change Your Mindset

The Brutal Truth About Why Most People Never Reach Their Full Potential (And the One Shift That Changes Everything)

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interior raw film shot, apartment. A man trying to reach his full potential and he has personal development books on the floor around him. A vibe of extreme minimalism and focus. They are building themselves from nothing. Gritty texture.
Image Credit: Joel Brown - Addicted2Success

You’ve felt it, haven’t you? That quiet frustration when another year slips by and your big goals still feel just out of reach. You’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’re simply stuck in the same invisible pattern that keeps 99% of people playing small while a tiny fraction seem to explode forward.

I’ve watched it happen for years… smart, driven people who read the books, watch the videos, even set the goals… and then quietly settle. The reason isn’t what most gurus tell you. It’s not lack of knowledge. It’s not even lack of discipline.

It’s identity.

Most people are still trying to achieve success while secretly identifying as the version of themselves that hasn’t succeeded yet. They wake up every morning as the “almost there” person. And the brain protects that identity at all costs.

The shift that changes everything is simple but brutal: You don’t become successful and then change how you see yourself. You decide who you’re going to be first—right now, before the evidence shows up—and then you act like that person until the results catch up.

Think about it. The entrepreneur who builds a seven-figure business doesn’t wait until the money hits the bank to start thinking like a CEO. She starts making decisions like one today. The writer who finally publishes the book doesn’t wait for permission or perfect conditions. He sits down and writes like someone who’s already a bestselling author.

This isn’t fake-it-till-you-make-it fluff. This is identity-based behavior change—the kind backed by real psychology and lived by every person who’s ever broken through.

Here’s how you actually do it:

Start by asking yourself one dangerous question every morning: “What would the future version of me—the one who already has what I want… do today?”

Then do that. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Especially if it feels uncomfortable.

Stop negotiating with your old self. The one who hits snooze. The one who scrolls instead of creates. The one who says “I’ll start Monday.”
That version of you is comfortable. And comfort is the silent killer of potential.

I’ve seen people transform their lives in weeks once they stopped trying to “get motivated” and started acting from a new identity. The results compound faster than you expect because every action reinforces who you now are.

The game isn’t about doing more. It’s about becoming someone who naturally does what success requires.

So right now, decide.

Who are you becoming? And what’s one thing that version of you would do differently today?

Because the moment you decide—and act like it’s already true—the world starts bending in your favor.

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Personal Development

How to Combat Feeling Stuck and Overwhelm in the Workplace

Feeling stuck at work isn’t just burnout, it’s a signal something deeper needs to change. Here’s how to break the cycle and take back control.

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productivity and energy management at work

When you overstep the boundary of dangerous exhaustion, taking a break no longer works. That means your body and nervous system can no longer regenerate, even if you create the perfect temporary conditions for it.  (more…)

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Personal Development

Why Emotional Intelligence is Your Secret Weapon for Success in 2026

In a world where AI is everywhere, the real edge comes down to something far more human—and most people are overlooking it.

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Image Credit: Joel Brown - Addicted2success

As we navigate the mid-point of this decade, the landscape of achievement has shifted beneath our feet. (more…)

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