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Why Leaders Get Feedback All Wrong and How to Fix It

Transform feedback into confidence and unlock your leadership potential

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Feedback in leadership
Image Credit: Midjourney

What’s feedback for? How about coworker feedback? To fix weaknesses, right?

Put aside what leaders might say in the cool of the moment. Caught in the heat of receiving feedback, leaders often act as if they only have eyes for the negative feedback—what they perceive as criticism. But when the feedback at meetings shifts from the positives to the negatives, they see things differently:

  • “This is where the gold is.”
  • “This is what I can do something about.”

That’s also the view of feedback in everyday life. If someone says, “I’ve got some feedback for you,” what’s your feeling? Not good.

“I’m going to get criticized, faulted for something.”

If you equate feedback with criticism, then naturally, inevitably, inescapably, that’s what feedback is for: fixing weaknesses. In this view, you go over the positive feedback first to soften the blow. It’s little more than an anesthetic, a swab that makes the needle hurt less.

Accentuate the Positive

Viewing feedback in negative terms is a huge oversight—a stunning blind spot. Positive feedback represents just as much leverage to make leaders better. It contains just as much developmental value. Its value resides in its ability to boost a leader’s confidence.

Is there anything more basic to a person’s functioning, to their performance, than self-confidence?

Meet Penelope Lewes

Penelope Lewes hears over and over that she’s extremely bright—brilliant even. After some reflection, it hits her:

“I’m smarter than I thought I was. And that frees up energy for other people.”

Her realization generated heat—energy for change—but also light, a clear idea of what to change. She went back to the office and immediately put her freed-up energy to good use for other people. She started stopping by people’s offices: “I chat with people and ask them how it’s going.”

She also started taking direct reports out to lunch. She enjoyed these contacts more than she expected, and that just motivated her to keep it up.

In the three weeks before we met again, she made a second change. She put a stop to overscheduling herself. She was asked to serve on a company-wide task force and declined. She was invited to join the board of a non-profit and turned that down, too.

“I used to feel I had to do these extra things to make me feel worthy,” she explained. “Now I know I’m a smart person and I’m worthy already.”

By the way, the two things she worked on were two of the top criticisms of her:

  1. Her relationships needed work.
  2. She grievously overloaded herself.

That’s the potential two-part boost that positives can deliver:

  1. A higher opinion of oneself.
  2. A boost in morale.

This is especially true for the high proportion of leaders who underestimate themselves, either across the board or in a particular respect, like intelligence.

Here’s the Catch

But there’s a twist. When it comes to drinking in praise, there’s many a slip between the cup and the lip. It happens all the time. Give someone a compliment and they squirm.

Something stands in the way of taking in praise. What’s the chief culprit? Humility.

Humility gets drilled into our skulls as kids:

  • “Thou shalt not toot your own horn.”
  • “Keep a low profile.”
  • “Let your work speak for itself.”
  • “Don’t get a swelled head.”

Humility is bossy, coercive, and its staying power is remarkable. Decades later, it’s still forcing us to avoid certain things and embrace others.

Here’s how one person managed to get his humility to loosen its grip. Despite being deeply identified with being humble, he stood back and saw his humility for what it was—objectively. Naming it helped. He called it the “deflater” (self-worth deflater).

Then, instead of downplaying how able and accomplished he was, he gave himself fuller credit:

“Now I’m more comfortable with myself, more confident,” he reported.

As a result, he did his job better. He grappled with humility and won.

Bob Kaplan is the author of GRAPPLING: Leaders Striving To Improve, a series of short stories that bring executive coaching to life. His unique style is both entertaining and offers a novel way of learning about leadership and self-improvement. The book is based on his decades of experience consulting to CEOs and other senior leaders, including founders. He is founder and president of his own leadership-consulting firm, Kaplan DeVries. He invented a 360 survey, the Leadership Versatility Index, that earned a patent for its unique way of assessing leaders because it assesses leaders for overused strengths, not just strengths and weaknesses. He and his colleagues also take a unique approach to delivering feedback. They place unusually heavy emphasis on the positive feedback—as a chance to boost the leader’s confidence. His last book was Fear Your Strengths: What You’re Best Could Be Your Biggest Problem. An honorary senior fellow at the Center for Creative Leadership, he has a B.A. and Ph.D. from Yale University. He lives in New York City with his wife Becky. You can reach him at bobkaplan@kaplandevries.com.

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Success Advice

Why One-Size-Fits-All Leadership Will Always Fail (and What Works Instead)

The surprising truth about leadership styles that can make or break your team’s success.

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Why one-size-fits-all leadership doesn’t work
Image Credit: Midjourney

Leadership has always been as much about people as it is about performance. Ken Blanchard, in his influential book, “The One Minute Manager”, put it simply: different strokes for different folks. (more…)

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Success Advice

What Every New CEO Must Do in Their First 100 Days (or Risk Failure)

Your first 100 days as CEO could define your entire legacy, here’s how to make every move count

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leadership tips for new CEO
Image Credit: Midjourney

When Tim Cook took over from Steve Jobs at Apple, the world watched with bated breath. Jobs wasn’t just a CEO; he was a visionary, an icon, and a legend of innovative leadership. (more…)

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Entrepreneurs

The Leadership Shift Every Company Needs in 2025

Struggling to keep your team engaged? Here’s how leaders can turn frustrated employees into loyal advocates.

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Bridging the gap between employees and employers
Image Credit: Midjourney

In workplaces around the world, there’s a growing gap between employers and employees and between superiors and their teams. It’s a common refrain: “People don’t leave companies, they leave bad bosses.”

While there are, of course, cases where management could do better, this isn’t just a “bad boss” problem. The relationship between leaders and employees is complex. Instead of assigning blame, we should explore practical solutions to build stronger, healthier workplaces where everyone thrives.

Why This Gap Exists

Every workplace needs someone to guide, supervise, and provide feedback. That’s essential for productivity and performance. But because there are usually far more employees than managers, dissatisfaction, fair or not, spreads quickly.

What if, instead of focusing on blame, we focused on building trust, empathy, and communication? This is where modern leadership and human-centered management can make a difference.

Tools and Techniques to Bridge the Gap

Here are proven strategies leaders and employees can use to foster stronger relationships and create a workplace where people actually want to stay.

1. Practice Mutual Empathy

Both managers and employees need to recognize they are ultimately on the same team. Leaders have to balance people and performance, and often face intense pressure to hit targets. Employees who understand this reality are more likely to cooperate and problem-solve collaboratively.

2. Maintain Professional Boundaries

Superiors should separate personal issues from professional decision-making. Consistency, fairness, and integrity build trust, and trust is the foundation of a motivated team.

3. Follow the Golden Rule

Treat people how you would like to be treated. This simple principle encourages compassion and respect, two qualities every effective leader must demonstrate.

4. Avoid Micromanagement

Micromanaging stifles creativity and damages morale. Great leaders see themselves as partners, not just bosses, and treat their teams as collaborators working toward a shared goal.

5. Empower Employees to Grow

Empowerment means giving employees responsibility that matches their capacity, and then trusting them to deliver. Encourage them to take calculated risks, learn from mistakes, and problem-solve independently. If something goes wrong, turn it into a learning opportunity, not a reprimand.

6. Communicate in All Directions

Communication shouldn’t just be top-down. Invite feedback, create open channels for suggestions, and genuinely listen to what your people have to say. Healthy upward communication closes gaps before they become conflicts.

7. Overcome Insecurities

Many leaders secretly fear being outshone by younger, more tech-savvy employees. Instead of resisting, embrace the chance to learn from them. Humility earns respect and helps the team innovate faster.

8. Invest in Coaching and Mentorship

True leaders grow other leaders. Provide mentorship, career guidance, and stretch opportunities so employees can develop new skills. Leadership is learned through experience, but guided experience is even more powerful.

9. Eliminate Favoritism

Avoid cliques and office politics. Decisions should be based on facts and fairness, not gossip. Objective, transparent decision-making builds credibility.

10. Recognize Efforts Promptly

Recognition often matters more than rewards. Publicly appreciate employees’ contributions and do so consistently and fairly. A timely “thank you” can be more motivating than a quarterly bonus.

11. Conduct Thoughtful Exit Interviews

When employees leave, treat it as an opportunity to learn. Keep interviews confidential and use the insights to improve management practices and culture.

12. Provide Leadership Development

Train managers to lead, not just supervise. Leadership development programs help shift mindsets from “command and control” to “coach and empower.” This transformation has a direct impact on morale and retention.

13. Adopt Soft Leadership Principles

Today’s workforce, largely millennials and Gen Z, value collaboration over hierarchy. Soft leadership focuses on partnership, mutual respect, and shared purpose, rather than rigid top-down control.

The Bigger Picture: HR’s Role

Mercer’s global research highlights five key priorities for organizations:

  • Build diverse talent pipelines

  • Embrace flexible work models

  • Design compelling career paths

  • Simplify HR processes

  • Redefine the value HR brings

The challenge? Employers and employees often view these priorities differently. Bridging that perception gap is just as important as bridging the relational gap between leaders and staff.

Treat Employees Like Associates, Not Just Staff

When you treat employees like partners, they bring their best selves to work. HR leaders must develop strategies to keep talent engaged, empowered, and prepared for the future.

Organizational success starts with people, always. Build the relationship with your team first, and the results will follow.

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Entrepreneurs

What Makes an Entrepreneurial Leader? Traits of the World’s Best Innovators

Inside the mindset of entrepreneurial leaders who transform risk, passion, and vision into world-changing results.

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entrepreneurial leadership skills and traits
Image Credit: Midjourney

When you think of Richard Branson (Virgin Group), Bill Gates (Microsoft), Steve Jobs (Apple), Rupert Murdoch (News Corporation), and Ted Turner (CNN), one thing becomes clear: they are not just entrepreneurs, they are entrepreneurial leaders. (more…)

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