How to Network When You’re Nervous and Hate Walking Up to Strangers

How to network when you’re nervous starts with accepting that the nerves are normal and planning around them instead of waiting for them to disappear. Go in with a small goal, like introducing yourself to two people, ask curious questions instead of trying to impress, and remember that the sweaty hands and shaky voice are far less obvious to everyone else than they feel to you. Then build your network in circles, so you’re not relying on one nerve-racking room to change your career.

This came up in my conversation with startup mentor Terence Mauri, a coach who works with ambitious leaders around the world. We’d been talking about how he ended up working with McLaren, the Formula 1 company, and his answer was simple: networking. Then we got onto why something we all did naturally as kids feels so hard as adults.

Funny thing is, Terence and I had a great example of it before we even started recording. We’d been speaking beforehand just to get to know each other, and we had this instant connection. I said I think we’re on the same wavelength. He agreed. That’s what a good introduction looks like. It’s not a pitch. It’s two people finding out they like each other.

Why networking feels harder as an adult

Here’s what I said to Terence, and it’s the whole problem in one picture. When we’re young, we’re kids in the playground, we go up and just introduce ourselves to random other kids, with no shame at all. From a young age we do it. It’s just as we grow older, it’s almost weird to go up and introduce yourself to someone.

Nothing about the skill changed. A kid in the playground doesn’t have better social skills than an adult at a conference. What changed is the story running in the background: what if they think I’m boring, what if I interrupt, what if I’ve got nothing to offer?

Terence put a name on it straight away. “It’s that self-imposter syndrome where you put everybody else on a pedestal and you allow that inner critic to sabotage” you, he said. The other person becomes more important, more successful and more interesting than you in your head, and suddenly saying hello feels like asking for a favor.

The good news is that the playground version of you hasn’t gone anywhere. The skill is still there under the self-consciousness. You don’t need to learn how to connect with people from scratch. You need to stop putting them on a pedestal long enough to say hello, ask a question and find out whether you’re on the same wavelength. Most of the time, the other person is quietly hoping someone will make the first move.

The sweaty hands and the Smurf voice

Terence didn’t pretend he was above it. He talked about the fear of speaking to others and said, “I know I’ve had it.” Then he described it perfectly: “It’s when your hands go sweaty, your knees shake, the pitch of your voice can go up and make you sound like a Smurf.” And hopefully, he added, all of it doesn’t happen at once.

I laughed and said that would just freak everyone out. But that moment matters, because it shows something people forget. Even someone who coaches ambitious leaders around the world gets the shaky voice. Nervous doesn’t mean you’re bad at this. It means you care about the outcome.

Terence also threw out a big number, that around 90% of people deal with this fear at some point. I couldn’t find a solid source for that figure, so I’m leaving it out. Here’s one that is solid. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 7.1% of U.S. adults had social anxiety disorder in the past year, and about 12.1% experience it at some point in their lives. That’s the clinical end of the scale. Everyday nerves at a networking event are far more common than that, and if your anxiety is stopping you from living your life, it’s worth talking to a professional.

Nobody notices your nerves as much as you do

There’s good research on why the sweaty hands feel so loud. Psychologists at Cornell, led by Thomas Gilovich, called it the spotlight effect: we consistently overestimate how much other people notice about us. In one well-known study, students wearing an embarrassing T-shirt into a room guessed that about half the people there noticed it. In reality it was closer to a quarter.

The same team also described the illusion of transparency, the feeling that your nerves are written all over your face when people mostly can’t see them. A related line of research on first conversations found something researchers called the liking gap: after talking with someone new, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them.

Put those together and the voice in your head is wrong on three counts. People notice your nerves less than you think, they can see them less than you think, and they probably liked you more than you think. The Smurf voice is mostly a private experience.

Build three circles of contacts, not one big room

This is where Terence’s framework helps nervous people the most. He calls it growing your posse, and he says everybody needs three kinds.

• A personal posse: your friends and family, the people closest to you, who give you emotional support.
• An operational posse: the people you work with day to day.
• A big ideas crowd: people you may not know personally but who should be on your radar, because they give you access to new information, new knowledge and new opportunity.

Why does this help if you’re nervous? Because it stops networking being one terrifying event. Your personal circle is already there. Your operational circle grows every time you do your job well and stay in touch. Only the third circle involves strangers, and even then, a lot of it can start with reading someone’s work, following them and sending a thoughtful message before you ever meet in a room.

Terence calls the result an intelligence network and says it’s “absolutely key.” It’s also, in his words, “relationship capital that we are in control of.” He thinks everybody should have a very clear plan to network intelligently and keep growing those ties around the world. “We’re all hardwired to connect,” he said.

I agreed with him on the spot. It’s like strength in numbers, right? Link with people, collaborate, and you become more powerful.

Start with warm introductions from people who already know you

If walking up to strangers is the hardest part, don’t start there. Your personal and operational circles are full of people who already trust you, and each of them knows people you don’t.

A warm introduction changes the whole feel of a first conversation. Instead of “who are you and why are you talking to me,” it starts with “a friend of ours said we should meet.” The pressure drops for both of you. Ask one person in your circle a week who they think you should know, and why. Be specific about what you’re working on, so they can picture the right person.

This is also where your nerves can work for you. Nervous people tend to prepare. They read up on the person, think about what they could offer and show up with real questions. That’s a better first impression than a confident person winging it with a business card.

Use the big ideas crowd before you meet in a room

Terence’s third circle, the big ideas crowd, is people who should be on your radar even if you don’t know them personally. For a nervous networker, that’s good news, because you can start building those relationships long before you ever shake hands.

Read what they publish. Share it with a genuine comment. Reply with a thoughtful question rather than a pitch. When you do finally meet them at an event, you’re not a stranger anymore. You’re the person who asked that good question about their last talk. That’s a much easier opener than “so, what do you do?”

Terence also pointed to Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In as a book he recommends partly for “the power of networking and growing your posse.” Whatever you read, the principle is the same: relationships compound, and the early, awkward ones are what make the later, easier ones possible.

What to do when your mind goes blank

Everyone has had the moment where you walk up to someone, say your name and then nothing comes. It feels huge. It usually isn’t.

Keep two or three easy questions in your back pocket: what brought you here, what are you working on right now, what’s been the best part of the event so far. Questions take the spotlight off you and put it on the other person, which is exactly where nervous people want it. If you lose your train of thought, say so with a smile. “Sorry, I completely lost my thread” is human, and most people warm to it.

How networking got Terence inside McLaren

When I asked Terence about his standout boardroom moment, he didn’t have to think. It was McLaren. He described a business built on excellence and a disregard for the status quo, down to a building designed to promote focus, concentration and collaboration between departments.

“The caliber of the individuals was so high,” he said, and the appetite to grow and succeed “was infectious.” He described the McLaren chairman, Ron Dennis, as absolutely obsessed with perfection.

And how did he get in that room? “It’s through the networking,” he said. “It was really through growing the posse.” Not a cold pitch, not a lucky break. Years of building relationships across those three circles until one of them opened a door he couldn’t have opened on his own.

That’s worth holding onto when the nerves hit. The conversation you’re dreading might feel small. You won’t know which introduction leads to your McLaren moment, which is exactly why it’s worth making a lot of them.

How to network when you’re nervous: practical moves

None of this means you have to become the loudest person in the room. A few simple moves make a big difference:

1. Set a small, specific goal before you arrive, like meeting two new people or asking one good question.
2. Prepare one simple opener: your name, what you do in a sentence and a question back.
3. Ask curious questions and listen. People rarely remember your pitch, but they remember feeling interesting.
4. Look for people standing alone or in small groups. They’re often just as relieved as you are when someone says hello.
5. Breathe slowly before you walk in. It won’t remove the nerves, but it takes the edge off the shaky voice.
6. Follow up within a day or two with something specific from the conversation.
7. Afterward, write down what actually went well, not just the awkward bits your inner critic replays.

Notice that none of these need you to feel confident first. They work while you’re nervous. Confidence comes after you’ve done it a few times, not before. There’s a difference between real confidence and putting on a show, and I’ve written about confidence vs ego before. Earned confidence comes from reps, and networking is no different.

Turn down the inner critic, then act anyway

Terence’s view is that the inner critic doesn’t fully go away, it just loses its grip when you stop letting it make your decisions. He has a Finnish word he loves for this, sisu, which he describes as resilience and grit, “the ability to face that angry bear outside your door.” For a nervous networker, that bear is usually self-doubt and the fear of looking silly.

Take the pedestal away first. The person you’re scared to approach probably felt the same way at their first event. Their success doesn’t make them less human, and it doesn’t make you less worth talking to.

Then keep the rest of your energy for the work that matters. Networking is part of the job, not the whole job, and it fits best around a clear plan for how to stay focused as an entrepreneur.

When I asked Terence for his last 30 seconds of advice to the world, part of what he said was “transcend your fears, and do it now.” That’s the whole idea in one line. You don’t wait to stop being nervous. You go and say hello while you still are.

FAQ

How do you network when you’re nervous?

Set a small goal, prepare one simple opener and focus on asking curious questions instead of impressing people. Accept the nerves as normal; most people notice them far less than you think.

Is it normal to feel anxious at networking events?

Yes. Nerves at events are very common. NIMH estimates 7.1% of U.S. adults had social anxiety disorder in the past year, and everyday nervousness is far more widespread. If anxiety limits your life, talk to a professional.

How can introverts network without burning out?

Build relationships in circles: lean on your personal and work contacts, then add a few new people at a time. Set a clear goal, take breaks and follow up one-to-one, where introverts often shine.

What is the spotlight effect?

The spotlight effect is our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice our appearance and behavior. Research led by Cornell psychologist Thomas Gilovich found people think they’re noticed far more than they really are.

What should I say when I introduce myself at an event?

Keep it short: your name, what you do in one sentence and a question about them. Something simple like asking what brought them there works because it hands the conversation back.