How to Turn Pain Into Purpose: Make Your Biggest Mess Your Mission

How to turn pain into purpose starts with a decision you make before you feel ready: whatever this is, it’s going to be used for something. Coach Nash Mackey, who lost his eldest brother and then his younger sister to suicide within months of each other, calls it turning the mess in your life into the mission. You still grieve. You talk it out, focus on what you can control and link the loss to something bigger than yourself.

This article talks about suicide and grief. If you’re struggling, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Nash and I have worked together for many years and coached hundreds of people together. I initially started out coaching him, and then I’ve seen him become somebody who coaches others. Every time I brought Nash in to coach the coaches I was training and certifying, they loved him. He doesn’t just theoretically understand things. He lives it and applies it. And if you really want to grow in personal development, that’s the point: you must implement.

Where his question came from

Nash trained as a combat medic at 17 and worked in emergency departments and operating theatres. He saw how real the consequences are of the decisions we make, the habits we form and the beliefs we hold. That work got heavy, and for a while he turned to alcohol and what he calls low-grade habits.

Out of that came the question that still drives him: what makes humans come alive? That question really becomes your compass. When I asked what coming alive looks like day to day, he said he measures it by two things, fulfillment and purpose. “Purpose for me is, it has to have an impact on other people’s lives,” he said. “If it’s just for myself, I know it won’t sustain.”

Decide to use it before you know how it ends

When Nash got the call from his dad that his brother might have ended his life, he made a decision in the car on the way there. “I made an internal commitment that I was already going to use this for impact,” he said. “Regardless of how this goes… I am going to use this.”

He calls finding his brother the most intense situation he’s ever been in. A few months later, his younger sister ended her life too. “Burying my brother and then a few months later burying my sister,” he said. “It felt like we were in a movie.”

The commitment didn’t stop the grief. It gave the grief somewhere to go. “I could be crushed by this because it felt big,” he said. “So I was like, how can I use this? What can I do with this?”

Don’t carry it alone

I asked Nash what tools he’d suggest for anyone going through grief, loss or a heavy season that’s challenged their identity. This is the nerdy coach stuff we love.

He started with a military saying: two is one, one is none. You don’t go it alone. Nash called me during that time, and I jumped on a call with him. “I want to talk it out,” he said of why he picked up the phone. “I can’t hold this in.” He says he processes by talking in real time.

He also did something most people won’t try. The first thing he did when he got home was get into an ice bath, because for him it “brings everything to the surface.” He’s clear that’s his experience, not a rule for everyone. His bigger point is about stress. When you’re in a heightened state, he finds people often try to calm down too soon. Sometimes he’ll meet that energy with a bit of deliberate stress, then breathe and bring himself back down. That’s the heart of nervous system regulation: you don’t skip the stress, you learn to come back from it. If you’re thinking about cold exposure, check with your doctor first.

Breathwork is a big part of Nash’s work, and it’s something he helped me go through when I was feeling overloaded. I had an unexplainable symptom. I was overloading my system with supplements and had other stresses compounding. He gave me access to an audio, and the breathwork really helped.

Focus on the controllables and see life beyond it

Nash has a young family. “You’ve got little mouths to feed,” he said. “I’m like, okay, my primary role here is to be here for my family.” “What are the controllables here? I’ve got to focus on those because it is pointless spiraling.”

He also pointed to Viktor Frankl, who held on to a vision of life beyond the concentration camps. “It’s not about not feeling through what needs to be felt through,” Nash said. “It’s like, what’s on the other side of this that I’m going to hold on to?” When his sister died, he went back to the same practices that got him through his brother’s death, even though he didn’t want to.

I said to Nash that personal development sometimes teaches us we control every single aspect of our life, and that’s not always the case. What we can control is our perceptions, our decisions and our actions. Sometimes things just catch us on the blind side. He couldn’t control what happened to his brother or his sister. Accepting that is close to the Stoic idea of amor fati: say yes to what already happened, then get to work on what you can still shape.

Turn the mess into the mission

Three days after his brother’s death, Nash kept a promise to a client who was attempting a Guinness World Record for a cause. Watching her carry a message through a physical challenge planted an idea. He had a deep value on health and fitness. Could he do something like that?

He did. He set the Guinness World Record for the most T-rotation push-ups in 24 hours, with 6,181. He says they weren’t doing it for money. The point was the message: check in with yourself, be courageous if you’re struggling, reach out to someone who can genuinely support you, then make a change.

“Whatever the biggest mess is, that becomes the mission,” he said. “The mess needs to be cleaned up by someone. Who’s going to grab the mop and start mopping?”

I told Nash he’s a living, breathing, walking example of diving into life and coming alive. He’s since carried the same message into more endurance challenges. “There’s power in knowing your values, linking your values and committing to causes bigger than yourself,” he said. “We can sit around, we can be crushed or we can say, how am I going to use this?”

Grief comes in waves

My heart goes out to Nash. I know the feeling of loss. There’s a lot of grief that comes with losing a brother and a sister so close together, and grief comes in waves. Sometimes you feel like you’re drowning in it. I told him I’d imagine he learned a lot about capacity, and that I applaud him for moving through it and coming out even stronger.

Loss like that also makes us face our own mortality. How long am I going to be here? What do I want to do with my life while I’m here? Nash said he’s always felt the fragility of life. His youngest daughter needed major heart surgery right after she was born. Those experiences, he said, gave him empathy. “When I have a client who shows up and they’ve been through an extreme thing, while it’s different, I know what it’s like to have been in huge adversity.”

Someone who mentored both of us used to say that when you continue to live in a fantasy, it slowly and surely becomes a nightmare. Exploring both sides, the grief of life and the joy of life, keeps you balanced in the center.

Check what’s driving you

I’ve had a lot of guests on Addicted2Success. Sometimes it’s great to hear the motivational pump-up, but it’s also good to hear the technical side: what’s actually happening in my body and my brain, and what can I do about it? So I asked Nash what he does with high achievers burning the candle at both ends.

“Look at the driver of success. That’s always where I start,” he said. He’s seen pro athletes driven by a need to impress a parent or a coach since they were six, and founders holding huge companies because they feel deeply lonely or not good enough. “Don’t lie to yourself,” he said, “because it will erode in the background.”

He also shared a line from Robyn Moore, the Australian voice of Blinky Bill. When he asked what keeps her so driven, she told him: “I’m not driven. I’m drawn.” Purpose that pulls you is healthier than pain that pushes you.

We talked about the Superman complex too: trying to manage everything because no one else can do it perfectly like you. Then Nash turned the question on me. I told him that asking what success looks like when it can’t just be about achievement opens a box a lot of people haven’t looked in. That was a big thing for me. I was in a very insecure stage, dating a woman and giving away so much, without much coming back. My friend Ben finally asked me, “Why do you think I’m friends with you?” Then he listed probably about 50 things for five minutes. The more he said, the more I realized I wasn’t accepting those things. I started tearing up. How does he see that, but I don’t? I’d just been in this performance. You’ve got to find something deeper than accolades.

The biggest thing for me was forgiveness. I realized I wanted to be chosen. I didn’t feel I had that reciprocal love from my father, and I had to achieve things for him to pay attention. It wasn’t until I had a forgiveness conversation with him, and sealed it with what I’m grateful for, that it transformed our relationship. I redefined what it meant to actually love and be loved.

Don’t build your identity around the wound

I asked Nash something controversial. Have we gone too far into validating people’s trauma and not far enough into teaching them how to become strong again? Don’t be a feather in the wind. Build your house on rock, not on sand.

He pointed to The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, which draws on Alfred Adler’s psychology. Nash was careful. He acknowledges trauma is real, and he has a lot of compassion for people who are in it. His concern is identity. “When people start forming an identity around ‘I’m a traumatized person,'” he said, “I see that as, well, a pretty unproductive way to live.”

I like how he said we should challenge our beliefs. Just because you’re told something for a long time doesn’t mean you should adopt it. And we can’t over-identify with the trauma, which can be limiting. None of that means skipping professional help. It means not letting the worst thing that happened become the only thing you are.

Build capacity before you ask for more

When I asked about the biggest lie in personal development, Nash said it’s that you can reap a harvest without planting seeds.

His fix is to own where your feet are. Bring order to what you already have: the messy shed, the chaotic room. “Why would you expect more when you’re not looking after what you have?” And if you’re overwhelmed, he said, you’re literally declaring you’re at capacity. Daily habits should build mental, emotional, physical and spiritual capacity, so you can hold more.

Even after a world record, he told me he feels like he’s playing at a level three out of 10. I said, “Man, I don’t know what level I’m playing at if you’re at a level three, breaking records.” For him, the next level isn’t doing more. It’s depth.

When I asked what makes a life well lived, he talked about the day people stand up to say a few words about you. “If there’s more people than not who feel a little bit of love within their systems when they reflect on you as an individual, I think that’s a life well lived.”

How to turn pain into purpose: 7 steps

1. Decide, as early as you can, that this will be used for something.
2. Don’t carry it alone. Call someone you trust and talk it out.
3. Feel what needs to be felt, then come back down with breath, movement or rest.
4. List what you can control today and put your energy there.
5. Picture the life on the other side of this and hold on to it.
6. Pick one cause or message bigger than yourself and take one action for it.
7. Build capacity with daily habits before you ask life for more.

FAQ

How do you turn pain into purpose?

Decide the pain will be used for something, get support, focus on what you can control and connect the loss to a cause bigger than you. Nash Mackey calls it turning your mess into your mission.

Can you find purpose while you’re still grieving?

Yes. Nash Mackey says purpose doesn’t replace grief. You still feel what needs to be felt. Purpose gives the grief somewhere to go and something on the other side to hold on to.

What does “turn your mess into your mission” mean?

It means taking the hardest thing in your life and using it to help others. For Nash Mackey, that meant a Guinness World Record to encourage people to check in and reach out.

Is it unhealthy to build your identity around trauma?

Nash Mackey says trauma is real but forming your whole identity around it can keep you stuck. Acknowledge it, get professional help when you need it and don’t let it become all you are.

Where can I get help if I’m struggling right now?

In the US, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency number or crisis line.